Abusive Relationships

[Green Eyed Fairy]

Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we?

How about those abusive relationships?

I have been in them. Trying hard to not fall back into my usual pattern with any new guy I meet now.

I have posted this on the boards in various threads, more than once, after reading posts by women I thought might be in an abusive relationship. Seems fitting to start off with this list:

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
*Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
*Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
*Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
*Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
*Abuses drugs or alcohol.
*Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
*Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
*Has a history of bad relationships.
*Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
*You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
*Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
*Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
*Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
*You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

I started thinking about this topic and wanted to pull up that list of warnings signs.....all this inspired by a new man I have been talking to on the phone. Haven't met him in the flesh yet......and he seems quite nice actually.
However......something about him......keeps reminding me of my relationship with my very possessive/jealous/disturbed first husband.


I think there should be clarity about exactly what abuse is, too.

What Is Abuse?

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, guy or girl. It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want.

The first step in getting out of an abusive relationship is to realize that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person.
Signs of Abusive Relationships

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:

* harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
* tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
* frequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
* coerces or threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship
* twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
* demands to know where you are at all times
* constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are also red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. When someone says stuff like "If you loved me, you would . . . " that's also a warning of possible abuse. A statement like this is controlling and is used by people who are only concerned about getting what they want — not caring about what you want. Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html#

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Opinions? Experiences? Things you have learned or seen? Anything to add?

Input from the men is okay, too. Just don't want any bashing/blaming of people that have been in/are in abusive relationships. The intent of this thread is to "hash it out" and perhaps find an understanding/insight of each other and how we can make our lives/relationships better.

 

[Tau]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[Dr. Feelgood]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[BBW4Chattery]

 

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[Neen]

 

[TraciJo67]

 

[joswitch]

 

[Dr. Feelgood]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[Jane]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

 

[KittyKitten]

 

[cinnamitch]

 

[KittyKitten]

 

[mossystate]