philosobear
Thriving circuitously
This is what it's like, I suppose, letting your fantasies out into real life. The possibility of losing control. Because it builds up. At first I just had the private idea of getting fat. And I tried, occasionally, eating until I was completely full, watching a tiny bit of flesh grow around my belly button. But it never lasted long. Thirteen year-olds have no staying power, and in fantasy they are the same. But the feeling was perennial...as surely as I lost interest, so that seed of a thought came back, a warm upwelling behind the rougher, greyer texture of living. Teenage angst exhausted me, and I loved and lost a couple of times, but still this strange little flower kept blooming out of the concrete in the night time of me. What would it be like to be fat? An innocent question, but one that comes with a draught of warmth, that leads me away into dreams and a private world I can call my own.
The nearer you let it get, the harder it is to pull back. I can keep my fantasies going for years on end now, and they start to encroach on the daytime world. I have been eating too much for a year. Slowly I have filled out, thickened and softened, and I have found that not all women see it as a crime. One girl has become very dear to me, and she knows my thoughts. We share them. And that makes it come nearer. She is delicious. She is near to my addiction, creamy and curved and heavier than I had thought possible for a woman so lovely. And you would think that would be enough...but this same little flower simply smells sweeter more light I allow it. It is coming into bloom. But I have things I want to be light and small for. Real life fantasies demand lasting choices. These are what we come to. These are what we come to. And now is the choice, because it has become very hard to pull back.
The nearer you let it get, the harder it is to pull back. I can keep my fantasies going for years on end now, and they start to encroach on the daytime world. I have been eating too much for a year. Slowly I have filled out, thickened and softened, and I have found that not all women see it as a crime. One girl has become very dear to me, and she knows my thoughts. We share them. And that makes it come nearer. She is delicious. She is near to my addiction, creamy and curved and heavier than I had thought possible for a woman so lovely. And you would think that would be enough...but this same little flower simply smells sweeter more light I allow it. It is coming into bloom. But I have things I want to be light and small for. Real life fantasies demand lasting choices. These are what we come to. These are what we come to. And now is the choice, because it has become very hard to pull back.
