So, a question I've been dying to ask other BHMs is, do you sometimes find that, when faced with a social situation that even has just a _potential_ for being awkward, do you sometimes mentally act out scenes in your mind where you are accosted, resulting in a great rise of anger and aggressiveness on your part?
I guess for me it is something of a defense method. I'll be in some normal situation, buying a snack or something at a convenience store, then in line for the register I'll see a pack of thin jock types in front of me, sniggering about something. Who knows, maybe one of them just turned 18 and is getting his first porno, I don't know - but in my head? They are laughing at me, standing there with my chips or whatever, heavier than two or more of them. And I'll imagine the times when I actually was ridiculed by complete strangers - and it makes me very, very angry. And all in one moment, I'm suddenly so angry I'm seeing red, in line behind some stupid kids (or twenty somethings, or older) who are complete strangers to me, and I realize that I have to very quickly dump all this rage _now_ before anyone realizes that for a split second I considered beating the crap out of some people I don't even know, who have done nothing to me but be thin and happy in my presence.
I've had this problem since high school, and I used to think it would go away before I became an adult... but I'm 27 now, and sometimes I _still_ get my hackles raised and see red when I think about how I _might_ get treated by these people. And, I guess what I want to know is, is this something that other people here can relate to? For context, though I've had my bouts of depression, I'm not crazy or a fighter, only a couple of stupid scuffles in elementary and high school, and when I say scuffle I mean less than a minute kind of things. As with many folks here I've had to deal with a lot of bullshit in my life for being `bigger,' but nothing I would consider really serious. Am I alone in this?
I guess for me it is something of a defense method. I'll be in some normal situation, buying a snack or something at a convenience store, then in line for the register I'll see a pack of thin jock types in front of me, sniggering about something. Who knows, maybe one of them just turned 18 and is getting his first porno, I don't know - but in my head? They are laughing at me, standing there with my chips or whatever, heavier than two or more of them. And I'll imagine the times when I actually was ridiculed by complete strangers - and it makes me very, very angry. And all in one moment, I'm suddenly so angry I'm seeing red, in line behind some stupid kids (or twenty somethings, or older) who are complete strangers to me, and I realize that I have to very quickly dump all this rage _now_ before anyone realizes that for a split second I considered beating the crap out of some people I don't even know, who have done nothing to me but be thin and happy in my presence.
I've had this problem since high school, and I used to think it would go away before I became an adult... but I'm 27 now, and sometimes I _still_ get my hackles raised and see red when I think about how I _might_ get treated by these people. And, I guess what I want to know is, is this something that other people here can relate to? For context, though I've had my bouts of depression, I'm not crazy or a fighter, only a couple of stupid scuffles in elementary and high school, and when I say scuffle I mean less than a minute kind of things. As with many folks here I've had to deal with a lot of bullshit in my life for being `bigger,' but nothing I would consider really serious. Am I alone in this?
