My partner and i were watching a show last night called "come dine with me" and there was a women contestant that i said looked really pretty. She WAS a big woman but that wasnt the only reason i thought that. She was wearing traditional African dress and looked really colourful and shimmering. As usual, my partner disagrees because of her size.
She then said "It makes me feel really unsure about what you find attractive in me when the things you sem to find attractive i despise in myself".
We had the usual discussion (see countless threads) about how it upsets me when she is mean to other women and in particular big women.
She said that one of the reasons she didnt find big women attractive is because she knows what it feels like to live as one. She went on to say that it wasnt just an athstetic thing for her but that being her size makes her uncomfortable for much of the time. She talked about getting sore when her legs rubbed together and about feeling uncomfortable and hot especially when it gets warmer. She talked about not being able to do things that she wanted to because of her size and about an activity she couldnt join in with at work that day because her size made it impossible for her.
Then i started to cry and i couldnt stop. I felt like a monster.
My partener was asking me why i was so upset and said "you dont have to feel sorry for me"!
i said "its not just that, though i do feel terrible that it makes you so sad but its more than that"
Eventually, through tears i explained that the only way i could express it was a feeling of guilt.
Because here i am being turned on by the very thing that causes her so much pain and heart ache!
I think before i tried to live with my head in the sand and dorce myself to believe that size really doesnt affect people, society does, but on a very practical everyday level it really does affect my partner.
She told me not to be silly and it was ok that i was a "wee chubby chaser" lol (it all became kind of jokey then, i think because she was trying to make me less sad)
I have to say that then i felt sort of maniacal..like you know when you get that you dont know whether to laugh or cry..and end up just feeling a bit panicky.
She then talked about going to see a play last week and about not being able to fit in the seat properly and about having to sit in a particular way and about feeling uncomfortable the whole way through..
and i said to her "you see even stuff like that is hot somehow although i KNOW it shouldnt be"!
I'm not saying that i find peoples pain or discomfort a turn on of course!
I'm not a total monster..and this was a lot of the reason i got so upset and felt so sad.
Last night just really caught me off guard.
I would never want my partner to feel bad but as i explained to her, this is my sexuality and a part of me that i just cant help..
i felt really vulnerable telling her about this..She has always known i love big women of course and its something that i have always felt proud of and have never felt "abnormal" or stigamatised, well not partticularaly anyway. The fact is though, although i try i dont always feel comfortable being an Fa especially when what excites me most is what makes my partner feel the worst!
i have quite a lot more thoughts about this but i can feel myself getting upset again and have tears in my eye as i type this..
I think i just feel really conflicted as i always felt so strong and secure about being attracted to fat people but i feel awful when i know its something that a lot of fat people i know dont like about thierselves..
hmm i think i will have some chamomile tea and try not to feel so bad about this..
mer
She then said "It makes me feel really unsure about what you find attractive in me when the things you sem to find attractive i despise in myself".
We had the usual discussion (see countless threads) about how it upsets me when she is mean to other women and in particular big women.
She said that one of the reasons she didnt find big women attractive is because she knows what it feels like to live as one. She went on to say that it wasnt just an athstetic thing for her but that being her size makes her uncomfortable for much of the time. She talked about getting sore when her legs rubbed together and about feeling uncomfortable and hot especially when it gets warmer. She talked about not being able to do things that she wanted to because of her size and about an activity she couldnt join in with at work that day because her size made it impossible for her.
Then i started to cry and i couldnt stop. I felt like a monster.
My partener was asking me why i was so upset and said "you dont have to feel sorry for me"!
i said "its not just that, though i do feel terrible that it makes you so sad but its more than that"
Eventually, through tears i explained that the only way i could express it was a feeling of guilt.
Because here i am being turned on by the very thing that causes her so much pain and heart ache!
I think before i tried to live with my head in the sand and dorce myself to believe that size really doesnt affect people, society does, but on a very practical everyday level it really does affect my partner.
She told me not to be silly and it was ok that i was a "wee chubby chaser" lol (it all became kind of jokey then, i think because she was trying to make me less sad)
I have to say that then i felt sort of maniacal..like you know when you get that you dont know whether to laugh or cry..and end up just feeling a bit panicky.
She then talked about going to see a play last week and about not being able to fit in the seat properly and about having to sit in a particular way and about feeling uncomfortable the whole way through..
and i said to her "you see even stuff like that is hot somehow although i KNOW it shouldnt be"!
I'm not saying that i find peoples pain or discomfort a turn on of course!
I'm not a total monster..and this was a lot of the reason i got so upset and felt so sad.
Last night just really caught me off guard.
I would never want my partner to feel bad but as i explained to her, this is my sexuality and a part of me that i just cant help..
i felt really vulnerable telling her about this..She has always known i love big women of course and its something that i have always felt proud of and have never felt "abnormal" or stigamatised, well not partticularaly anyway. The fact is though, although i try i dont always feel comfortable being an Fa especially when what excites me most is what makes my partner feel the worst!
i have quite a lot more thoughts about this but i can feel myself getting upset again and have tears in my eye as i type this..
I think i just feel really conflicted as i always felt so strong and secure about being attracted to fat people but i feel awful when i know its something that a lot of fat people i know dont like about thierselves..
hmm i think i will have some chamomile tea and try not to feel so bad about this..
mer
