I'm probably really going out on a limb here and I'm probably digging a hole, and I'm opening myself to a lot of ridicule, but here goes anyway...
I just got out of a two year relationship with someone who I had pseudo-sex with probably about 8 times total (mostly due to him going out for sex at clubs and coming home bragging that he just sucked off 20 people in a night). During the last month of the relationship, he decided to bring in a 3rd person to make a triad--this person was one of those people who somehow thinks that the way you make a relationship last is by pointing out and nagging about all the personality quirks someone has, and ranks on the way someone does everything until they change--this didn't go over very well with me, and it eventually became an abusive situation. The only positive thing that came out of it is the new guy helped me find my sobriety--it's been 2 1/2 months of sobriety now--clean and sober--weed was my thing. After some really nasty comments were made to me (calling me an emotional 8 year old and that having sex with me would be like having sex with a 14 year old and would be like rape), I said I needed to take a couple days off, and the response was "well, if you do that, you're not welcome back until you've 'fully recovered', and recovered from all of your problems and personality quirks." Needless to say, I grabbed my things and left, and moved in with my folks for a while. One thing I've learned out of this is that I don't think I'll ever try a triad again, and I don't even think I'll mess with an "open" relationship again.
The more time goes on, the less I know whether I'm gay or not. When I see boards like this one, it makes me wonder more and more whether I'm a closeted bi or even possibly a straight person. I came out of the closet by the time I was 17. All of my fantasies about men have always revovled around what I wish I was and not who I wish I was with. It's been confusing. Seeing people be very open about liking bigger guys here, in addition to many personal revelations I've seen on here, has really made me think about things.
I was one of those kids raised by parents (dad died when I was 4, raised by my enabling mother and verbally abusive grandmother) who really didn't know how to raise guys--clueless--"the conversation" didn't happen until I was 16 (it took until then to even know that women had "two holes"), and the churches I had went to, during "sunday school" taught that looking at the opposite sex naked is a sin and you'll burn in hell fire and brimstone (let's just say that I'm definately not religious now, spiritual, but not religious), and my mom and grandma taught that looking at women is degrading to women. So, being that I didn't have any social skills--I was the nerdy outcast (who in elementary school was the laughing stock of the school and got called sissy, wussy, fa**ot, by a lot of people, including abusive teachers which I won't go into)--I didn't even know how to talk to girls, and when I finally had the chance, it was with someone really controlling and demanding to the point of absurdity, so I never even took it to the point of a kiss--so at 17 I decided that I was gay and that I liked heavy rugged-looking types. Until I was in my later 20's, I always went for the "father figure" types. Well, now I don't have that anymore--it's as if I learned everything I could from those "father figures", and now, at 33, things are more confusing than ever. I'm finally happy with who I am--I can look in the mirror and not see some twindly skinny nerd who lets everyone push him around, I see someone with confidence and talent and someone who's caring but blunt. But I have no idea what my sexuality is anymore.
I'm not even sure why I'm saying this--I guess it's because I can't afford a therapist right now, and this community seems to have a lot of cool people in it who offer a wide variety of viewpoints, and it's a very open-minded community that isn't going to judge me for being fat or for enjoying being fat, and hopefully isn't going to judge me for speaking from the heart. Whenever I've talked about this on a "gay" message board or to gay people I know, they try to convince me that I'm gay and that bisexuality is a myth. Whenever I talk about this with totally straight people, they start to denounce gay people and say that they've basically just been putting up with me "being gay" and I end up finding out how homophobic they really are. I thought this message board would be a good place to talk about this because of the openmindedness I've seen here.
Can anyone relate with this? Has anyone went through this? Has anyone known anyone that's went through this? Am I even making any sense? Am I just rambling? How big of a hole have I dug by posting this?
I just got out of a two year relationship with someone who I had pseudo-sex with probably about 8 times total (mostly due to him going out for sex at clubs and coming home bragging that he just sucked off 20 people in a night). During the last month of the relationship, he decided to bring in a 3rd person to make a triad--this person was one of those people who somehow thinks that the way you make a relationship last is by pointing out and nagging about all the personality quirks someone has, and ranks on the way someone does everything until they change--this didn't go over very well with me, and it eventually became an abusive situation. The only positive thing that came out of it is the new guy helped me find my sobriety--it's been 2 1/2 months of sobriety now--clean and sober--weed was my thing. After some really nasty comments were made to me (calling me an emotional 8 year old and that having sex with me would be like having sex with a 14 year old and would be like rape), I said I needed to take a couple days off, and the response was "well, if you do that, you're not welcome back until you've 'fully recovered', and recovered from all of your problems and personality quirks." Needless to say, I grabbed my things and left, and moved in with my folks for a while. One thing I've learned out of this is that I don't think I'll ever try a triad again, and I don't even think I'll mess with an "open" relationship again.
The more time goes on, the less I know whether I'm gay or not. When I see boards like this one, it makes me wonder more and more whether I'm a closeted bi or even possibly a straight person. I came out of the closet by the time I was 17. All of my fantasies about men have always revovled around what I wish I was and not who I wish I was with. It's been confusing. Seeing people be very open about liking bigger guys here, in addition to many personal revelations I've seen on here, has really made me think about things.
I was one of those kids raised by parents (dad died when I was 4, raised by my enabling mother and verbally abusive grandmother) who really didn't know how to raise guys--clueless--"the conversation" didn't happen until I was 16 (it took until then to even know that women had "two holes"), and the churches I had went to, during "sunday school" taught that looking at the opposite sex naked is a sin and you'll burn in hell fire and brimstone (let's just say that I'm definately not religious now, spiritual, but not religious), and my mom and grandma taught that looking at women is degrading to women. So, being that I didn't have any social skills--I was the nerdy outcast (who in elementary school was the laughing stock of the school and got called sissy, wussy, fa**ot, by a lot of people, including abusive teachers which I won't go into)--I didn't even know how to talk to girls, and when I finally had the chance, it was with someone really controlling and demanding to the point of absurdity, so I never even took it to the point of a kiss--so at 17 I decided that I was gay and that I liked heavy rugged-looking types. Until I was in my later 20's, I always went for the "father figure" types. Well, now I don't have that anymore--it's as if I learned everything I could from those "father figures", and now, at 33, things are more confusing than ever. I'm finally happy with who I am--I can look in the mirror and not see some twindly skinny nerd who lets everyone push him around, I see someone with confidence and talent and someone who's caring but blunt. But I have no idea what my sexuality is anymore.
I'm not even sure why I'm saying this--I guess it's because I can't afford a therapist right now, and this community seems to have a lot of cool people in it who offer a wide variety of viewpoints, and it's a very open-minded community that isn't going to judge me for being fat or for enjoying being fat, and hopefully isn't going to judge me for speaking from the heart. Whenever I've talked about this on a "gay" message board or to gay people I know, they try to convince me that I'm gay and that bisexuality is a myth. Whenever I talk about this with totally straight people, they start to denounce gay people and say that they've basically just been putting up with me "being gay" and I end up finding out how homophobic they really are. I thought this message board would be a good place to talk about this because of the openmindedness I've seen here.
Can anyone relate with this? Has anyone went through this? Has anyone known anyone that's went through this? Am I even making any sense? Am I just rambling? How big of a hole have I dug by posting this?
