This post is a companion to my BHM Dating guide posts, and shares the same disclaimers:
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15198
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15242
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15300
The intentions of these posts are to assist people and any generalizations and assumptions about FFAs, men in general and such are made with the hopes of not offending anyone, but helping those in need.
Additionally, some of what I share may seem contradictory to what I've suggested to BHMs, but I'm approaching this from the perspective of an FFA seeking a potential BHM partner, and addressing her unique needs and concerns.
***
Now to you, the laudable ladies that love large lads, hunting of the wild BHM has its own pitfalls and issues. As a person, it's hard to decide who your are attracted to -- it just kind of happens. As a lover of bigger men, it can be daunting to find and attract the right guy to fire your heart and desires, whether you are a thin svelte woman or the most voluptuous of BBWs. All too many BHM are shy. Many have been hurt and bear emotional scars. The sad fact is that a lot of bigger guy can't grasp the idea of being loved by a woman, particularly since the don't even love themselves. I know all to well; once I was one of them.
At the very core of it is that if you are into a bigger man, and attracted to him, you will need to accept and comes to terms with the type of man he is. Do you like men that simply have a bit more padding? Do you like a big man with a nice round belly? Do you have fantasies of feeding a man until he is enormous? You'll need to accept what your type is and seek him out. If you like smaller men, trying to convince yourself that you'll become attracted to a much larger man may not be an option for you. Conversely, if you like an SSBHM, the thinner BHM man not be to your liking in the end. A great many men will not want to gain weight to the size you may wish. Many want to or are trying to lose their girth via diets and exercise. Many FFAs love all kinds of men, whiles others have their ranges of attraction. Don't apologize for who you are attracted to -- just love the men you dream of and as often as you can.
It's not always about your opinions either. Are your friends and family going to judge you for your choices in men? Can you withstand the scrutiny and stares strangers will cast on you for walking hand in hand with your 450 lbs man? Will friends act as though you are some great humanitarian for being able to love such a 'loser'? Are you going to be able to deal with other men hitting on you and ignoring your guy because he couldn't possibly be with a hottie like you? Many BHMs will be hurt by these occurrences, while others will be able to accept them. Ultimately, you may need to step up and show your love and strength, and not get caught up in what others think. All that should matter is the two of you.
Now finding a BHM to date isn't as easy as it may seem. Sure, you can spot a BHM, as he does stick out, but will he be available and able to date you? Many bigger guys have found love and companionship in the bear and chub gay subcultures. Many of us are taken -- married, engaged and/or loved by women (or men) already. Sure some are lotharios, willing to cheat with you, and later on you, but some would never stray. You will have a lot of misses, as a taken man is invariably more confident than a single one. I get hit on occasionally, and even though I'm a bit of a flirt I'm not looking. This can be difficult for you ladies.
Next, men are not necessarily attracted to someone of your current size, whether you are thin or a BBW. It's common for many rather ignorant people to assume that a bigger man only belongs with a bigger woman. Some guys only like one extreme or another. Some like any and all women. There is a sense of comfort as a big man of being with a big woman as the realities of being large are often shared. A thin woman might forget that her BHM won't fit into that restaurant booth and inadvertently bring attention to his size when he just wants to blend in. If you've never been heavy, you likely won't know what we go through and experience. If you are or have been heavy, that is a common thread a BHM would share. Meeting and finding that right person is often about finding those commonalities to bridge the gaps between two people. However many guys are only attracted to thin women, whether by preference or by influence. This is life -- one man's Goddess might be the next man's Medusa. For the record, I think you are all beautiful.
In much the same way as a BHM finding his lady love, you'll likely need to find a man with common interests, as a relationship built entirely on lust for his chubby body might not be the best way to build a relationship. Of course, if your desire is to nude climb as many BHM mountains as you can, I'm sure you won't have too much difficulty finding them, but we'll just assume your goal is love.
It does fall to the FFA is many cases to be the brave one. Too many BHMs are shy. This comes from the garbage many of us have had to deal with. Being approached by a hot woman usually was a trap and not a sign of sincere interest. I've spent a lot of money on women who only wanted money or attention, or someone to help them move the next weekend, and I would do for them. Users generally outnumber real FFAs in a BHMs life. It was a lesson hard learned, and to this day I'm still cautious.
As discussed here recently and in the past, many BHM tend toward more geeky interests, those more mainstream interests are not uncommon either. Online ads can be effective, if you don't mind an onslaught of genitalia photos along with monosyllabic, rude, one-liner emails. Posting a clear, descriptive and honest ad online expressing that you are interested in a bigger man, and not a thinner/muscle bound guy, may yield positive results.
Out there in public may be the best option. As silly as it sounds, shopping is a great potential for finding BHMs. Clothing stores are an area where an otherwise confident man can buckle under the pressure of whether this shirt goes with this tie. While stalking out your local big and tall shop might seem a little creepy, we do shop there and I've been hit on before in those places. Many department stores have big man sections too, so you can at least sneak a peek of cute bigger guys, from the safety of another section.
In all honesty, most public places are ideal places to look. Times have progressed past the point where a damsel's dropped kerchief was enough to ensnare a potential suitor, still the notion of the man chasing the woman until she catches him is still a hard one to shake. The trick for an FFA is to initiate contact, as even the hardiest of BHMs can still be rather shy in social settings. No lines are needed, but even a simple "do you have the correct time?" followed by an honest compliment can do wonders to start things off. You are just trying to feel him out -- to try and figure if he's available and if he's potentially interested in you. He may initially think you are out of his league, but be friendly and kind. Smile, and look him in the eyes -- not at his belly or round cheeks. The trick is to be approachable and comfortable, but keep him feeling like a man. If your conversation continues, try to connect to any clearly shared interest and see if there is anything there between the two of you. If you are carrying the conversation, he may be uninterested, taken or too insecure to continue. Take my word for it, if he can't meet your eyes and be secure enough to talk, then you won't likely have a good time with him down the line.
In more social places, such as clubs and bars, you can be a bit more bold. Little tricks can work, if you have the nerve. If he's sitting alone, ask if the chair next to him is taken, and sit down if it isn't. Wait for half a minute, and then strike up a conversation. If a guy is standing by the dance floor, start dancing and motion for him to join you. This is a safe and face saving move. If he's standing alone, walk over and stand next to him, wait for 30 seconds and strike up a conversation as mentioned above. If he's with a group of guys, you could wink at him from a distance or even order a drink for him from the waitress. Tip her well and she'll may even help you break the ice. My last girlfriend got me with that one.
Watch his eyes and if he's nervous or uncomfortable, ask him a non-threatening questions to distract him -- to see if it's a fear issue. Avoid topics like politics and religion, and go with safe ones like movies, TV or music. Again, try to establish commonality. Many BHMs are shy and insecure to the core, and are not ready to be in any relationship. Others just need a little bit to get past their defenses. Few will approach you, unless you make yourself approachable. Touch is a good. Briefly grasping his arm or shoulder at a joke is always good. Occasionally shifting closer if sitting beside him is also good. The trick is to look for chemistry and connection.
You typical will set the rate at which things progress if you and he are clicking together. Decide if you want to date this guy, if you want him to kiss you or you want to be decidedly most naughty with him. Do you want him to call you or email you? Is he a potential Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Get Lost? Is this guy just fun, or is he curling your toes just with his presence. Feminizing comments are a no-no, unless you are looking for a completely submissive guy. Do you want a man or do you want a boy? Whatever you want is ultimately what's right for you. You have the power!
Keep the conversation flowing as this is how you will learn most of what you want to know. If you or he are leaving, and he hasn't asked for your number, give it to him yourself. It's wise to give an email or cell number, rather than a home number as Google can often reveal your home address from it. If you are wanting to go out with him, you may need to set it up for him to ask. For an FFA, a dinner and movie date does have an advantage, so mentioning to him a particular movie you want to see may instill in him the nerve to ask you out. If you think he's just too shy, ask him if he'd like to meet you at the theater. This is better than having him pick you up, as there is always the risk of getting a clingy guy initially. He may be better on the phone or in email, so don't lose hope if you don't get asked out in person, and try again via those alternatives. Heck, you can always try asking him out too.
When preparing for the date, dress comfortably but making sure you're attractive and alluring. Don't go for overly sexy otherwise your date may not even notice you have eyes. Keeping things more casual will likely make things less stressful on your BHM, as an overdressed big man often is likely to sweat and feel unattractive. Keep things fun and playful, and be all woman and not so much girlish. If things are progressing, you want to set a mood that is romantic and even sexy, not little sisterly. Things should progress physically, as this is often the best test of chemistry. Always bring a cell phone (turned off), at least one condom (even though a BHM may be rather inexperienced, what experience he has had may not have been the wisest) and means to get home -- whether you drive yourself, or just have money for a cab or public transport.
If things progress to more intimate levels, you may need to force his hand. If the time has come for that first kiss, you may have to make it almost inescapable for him. Put your arms around his neck and lean into him, caressing his shoulders and neck tenderly, if necessary, to surreptitiously ease his tension. Slowly tilt your head and move in. Of course just kissing him outright is pretty much a guarantee. He may not be good kisser, so gently show him the way by action and not word. People can learn quickly with patience and compassion.
Watch for the warning signs of things moving too fast. Slow things down if you must, but if you are still interested in seeing him keep things moving at some level. You may want him on the first date, but it may be wise to let a few dates progress until things are right for both of you. Be wise when making out passionately, as even a BHM might not respect your saying no. If you aren't interested in continuing to see him, let him down gently -- and possibly with a kiss to show that he is desirable. Don't break your BHMs as he might be right for the next FFA rather than being fodder for the next abusive woman. Don't be surprised if he falls for you fast, nor be surprised if he takes a long time to open up. He's a man like any other, with a long history before you. Just take your time, get to know him, let things progress comfortably for both of you ... and have fun.
When at last you are ready to take your BHM to full physical intimacy, you definitely need to be patient and tender. He may be a virgin or have little experience. His ideas of sex may be etched in his psyche via the illustrious world of adult entertainment. Sex the first time with any guy is rarely going to be the most fulfilling, and if things go too fast, play if off as no big deal. If things don't get going successfully, do the same. Enjoy the closeness and touch him lovingly in earnest and sincerely. For a lot of big guys being naked with a woman is the highest state of vulnerability. Give him time and plenty of loving attention. Let your hands and words show how handsome he is to you. Your initial misfiring rocket may later rock your world.
Above all else, communicate in honest and kind words. Think of what you say before you say it. If things were reversed and it would hurt to say it then it's probably not right for him to hear. Help to build his confidence if it's lacking. He's very much the lion with the thorn in his paw. Love him, care for him and let him find his roar -- to compliment your sexy meow!
***
Ladies, I hope this helps. I am open to any and all questions.
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15198
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15242
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15300
The intentions of these posts are to assist people and any generalizations and assumptions about FFAs, men in general and such are made with the hopes of not offending anyone, but helping those in need.
Additionally, some of what I share may seem contradictory to what I've suggested to BHMs, but I'm approaching this from the perspective of an FFA seeking a potential BHM partner, and addressing her unique needs and concerns.
***
Now to you, the laudable ladies that love large lads, hunting of the wild BHM has its own pitfalls and issues. As a person, it's hard to decide who your are attracted to -- it just kind of happens. As a lover of bigger men, it can be daunting to find and attract the right guy to fire your heart and desires, whether you are a thin svelte woman or the most voluptuous of BBWs. All too many BHM are shy. Many have been hurt and bear emotional scars. The sad fact is that a lot of bigger guy can't grasp the idea of being loved by a woman, particularly since the don't even love themselves. I know all to well; once I was one of them.
At the very core of it is that if you are into a bigger man, and attracted to him, you will need to accept and comes to terms with the type of man he is. Do you like men that simply have a bit more padding? Do you like a big man with a nice round belly? Do you have fantasies of feeding a man until he is enormous? You'll need to accept what your type is and seek him out. If you like smaller men, trying to convince yourself that you'll become attracted to a much larger man may not be an option for you. Conversely, if you like an SSBHM, the thinner BHM man not be to your liking in the end. A great many men will not want to gain weight to the size you may wish. Many want to or are trying to lose their girth via diets and exercise. Many FFAs love all kinds of men, whiles others have their ranges of attraction. Don't apologize for who you are attracted to -- just love the men you dream of and as often as you can.
It's not always about your opinions either. Are your friends and family going to judge you for your choices in men? Can you withstand the scrutiny and stares strangers will cast on you for walking hand in hand with your 450 lbs man? Will friends act as though you are some great humanitarian for being able to love such a 'loser'? Are you going to be able to deal with other men hitting on you and ignoring your guy because he couldn't possibly be with a hottie like you? Many BHMs will be hurt by these occurrences, while others will be able to accept them. Ultimately, you may need to step up and show your love and strength, and not get caught up in what others think. All that should matter is the two of you.
Now finding a BHM to date isn't as easy as it may seem. Sure, you can spot a BHM, as he does stick out, but will he be available and able to date you? Many bigger guys have found love and companionship in the bear and chub gay subcultures. Many of us are taken -- married, engaged and/or loved by women (or men) already. Sure some are lotharios, willing to cheat with you, and later on you, but some would never stray. You will have a lot of misses, as a taken man is invariably more confident than a single one. I get hit on occasionally, and even though I'm a bit of a flirt I'm not looking. This can be difficult for you ladies.
Next, men are not necessarily attracted to someone of your current size, whether you are thin or a BBW. It's common for many rather ignorant people to assume that a bigger man only belongs with a bigger woman. Some guys only like one extreme or another. Some like any and all women. There is a sense of comfort as a big man of being with a big woman as the realities of being large are often shared. A thin woman might forget that her BHM won't fit into that restaurant booth and inadvertently bring attention to his size when he just wants to blend in. If you've never been heavy, you likely won't know what we go through and experience. If you are or have been heavy, that is a common thread a BHM would share. Meeting and finding that right person is often about finding those commonalities to bridge the gaps between two people. However many guys are only attracted to thin women, whether by preference or by influence. This is life -- one man's Goddess might be the next man's Medusa. For the record, I think you are all beautiful.
In much the same way as a BHM finding his lady love, you'll likely need to find a man with common interests, as a relationship built entirely on lust for his chubby body might not be the best way to build a relationship. Of course, if your desire is to nude climb as many BHM mountains as you can, I'm sure you won't have too much difficulty finding them, but we'll just assume your goal is love.
It does fall to the FFA is many cases to be the brave one. Too many BHMs are shy. This comes from the garbage many of us have had to deal with. Being approached by a hot woman usually was a trap and not a sign of sincere interest. I've spent a lot of money on women who only wanted money or attention, or someone to help them move the next weekend, and I would do for them. Users generally outnumber real FFAs in a BHMs life. It was a lesson hard learned, and to this day I'm still cautious.
As discussed here recently and in the past, many BHM tend toward more geeky interests, those more mainstream interests are not uncommon either. Online ads can be effective, if you don't mind an onslaught of genitalia photos along with monosyllabic, rude, one-liner emails. Posting a clear, descriptive and honest ad online expressing that you are interested in a bigger man, and not a thinner/muscle bound guy, may yield positive results.
Out there in public may be the best option. As silly as it sounds, shopping is a great potential for finding BHMs. Clothing stores are an area where an otherwise confident man can buckle under the pressure of whether this shirt goes with this tie. While stalking out your local big and tall shop might seem a little creepy, we do shop there and I've been hit on before in those places. Many department stores have big man sections too, so you can at least sneak a peek of cute bigger guys, from the safety of another section.
In all honesty, most public places are ideal places to look. Times have progressed past the point where a damsel's dropped kerchief was enough to ensnare a potential suitor, still the notion of the man chasing the woman until she catches him is still a hard one to shake. The trick for an FFA is to initiate contact, as even the hardiest of BHMs can still be rather shy in social settings. No lines are needed, but even a simple "do you have the correct time?" followed by an honest compliment can do wonders to start things off. You are just trying to feel him out -- to try and figure if he's available and if he's potentially interested in you. He may initially think you are out of his league, but be friendly and kind. Smile, and look him in the eyes -- not at his belly or round cheeks. The trick is to be approachable and comfortable, but keep him feeling like a man. If your conversation continues, try to connect to any clearly shared interest and see if there is anything there between the two of you. If you are carrying the conversation, he may be uninterested, taken or too insecure to continue. Take my word for it, if he can't meet your eyes and be secure enough to talk, then you won't likely have a good time with him down the line.
In more social places, such as clubs and bars, you can be a bit more bold. Little tricks can work, if you have the nerve. If he's sitting alone, ask if the chair next to him is taken, and sit down if it isn't. Wait for half a minute, and then strike up a conversation. If a guy is standing by the dance floor, start dancing and motion for him to join you. This is a safe and face saving move. If he's standing alone, walk over and stand next to him, wait for 30 seconds and strike up a conversation as mentioned above. If he's with a group of guys, you could wink at him from a distance or even order a drink for him from the waitress. Tip her well and she'll may even help you break the ice. My last girlfriend got me with that one.
Watch his eyes and if he's nervous or uncomfortable, ask him a non-threatening questions to distract him -- to see if it's a fear issue. Avoid topics like politics and religion, and go with safe ones like movies, TV or music. Again, try to establish commonality. Many BHMs are shy and insecure to the core, and are not ready to be in any relationship. Others just need a little bit to get past their defenses. Few will approach you, unless you make yourself approachable. Touch is a good. Briefly grasping his arm or shoulder at a joke is always good. Occasionally shifting closer if sitting beside him is also good. The trick is to look for chemistry and connection.
You typical will set the rate at which things progress if you and he are clicking together. Decide if you want to date this guy, if you want him to kiss you or you want to be decidedly most naughty with him. Do you want him to call you or email you? Is he a potential Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Get Lost? Is this guy just fun, or is he curling your toes just with his presence. Feminizing comments are a no-no, unless you are looking for a completely submissive guy. Do you want a man or do you want a boy? Whatever you want is ultimately what's right for you. You have the power!
Keep the conversation flowing as this is how you will learn most of what you want to know. If you or he are leaving, and he hasn't asked for your number, give it to him yourself. It's wise to give an email or cell number, rather than a home number as Google can often reveal your home address from it. If you are wanting to go out with him, you may need to set it up for him to ask. For an FFA, a dinner and movie date does have an advantage, so mentioning to him a particular movie you want to see may instill in him the nerve to ask you out. If you think he's just too shy, ask him if he'd like to meet you at the theater. This is better than having him pick you up, as there is always the risk of getting a clingy guy initially. He may be better on the phone or in email, so don't lose hope if you don't get asked out in person, and try again via those alternatives. Heck, you can always try asking him out too.
When preparing for the date, dress comfortably but making sure you're attractive and alluring. Don't go for overly sexy otherwise your date may not even notice you have eyes. Keeping things more casual will likely make things less stressful on your BHM, as an overdressed big man often is likely to sweat and feel unattractive. Keep things fun and playful, and be all woman and not so much girlish. If things are progressing, you want to set a mood that is romantic and even sexy, not little sisterly. Things should progress physically, as this is often the best test of chemistry. Always bring a cell phone (turned off), at least one condom (even though a BHM may be rather inexperienced, what experience he has had may not have been the wisest) and means to get home -- whether you drive yourself, or just have money for a cab or public transport.
If things progress to more intimate levels, you may need to force his hand. If the time has come for that first kiss, you may have to make it almost inescapable for him. Put your arms around his neck and lean into him, caressing his shoulders and neck tenderly, if necessary, to surreptitiously ease his tension. Slowly tilt your head and move in. Of course just kissing him outright is pretty much a guarantee. He may not be good kisser, so gently show him the way by action and not word. People can learn quickly with patience and compassion.
Watch for the warning signs of things moving too fast. Slow things down if you must, but if you are still interested in seeing him keep things moving at some level. You may want him on the first date, but it may be wise to let a few dates progress until things are right for both of you. Be wise when making out passionately, as even a BHM might not respect your saying no. If you aren't interested in continuing to see him, let him down gently -- and possibly with a kiss to show that he is desirable. Don't break your BHMs as he might be right for the next FFA rather than being fodder for the next abusive woman. Don't be surprised if he falls for you fast, nor be surprised if he takes a long time to open up. He's a man like any other, with a long history before you. Just take your time, get to know him, let things progress comfortably for both of you ... and have fun.
When at last you are ready to take your BHM to full physical intimacy, you definitely need to be patient and tender. He may be a virgin or have little experience. His ideas of sex may be etched in his psyche via the illustrious world of adult entertainment. Sex the first time with any guy is rarely going to be the most fulfilling, and if things go too fast, play if off as no big deal. If things don't get going successfully, do the same. Enjoy the closeness and touch him lovingly in earnest and sincerely. For a lot of big guys being naked with a woman is the highest state of vulnerability. Give him time and plenty of loving attention. Let your hands and words show how handsome he is to you. Your initial misfiring rocket may later rock your world.
Above all else, communicate in honest and kind words. Think of what you say before you say it. If things were reversed and it would hurt to say it then it's probably not right for him to hear. Help to build his confidence if it's lacking. He's very much the lion with the thorn in his paw. Love him, care for him and let him find his roar -- to compliment your sexy meow!
***
Ladies, I hope this helps. I am open to any and all questions.
