terpsichore
Well-Known Member
hi from a former lurker. 
mostly visits to this forum just consisted of me reading posts and being like 'omg i thought it was just me but it's not!'
so lately i've been feeling like a hypocrite and a bad person, because i'm a FFA and also anorexic. i know i have a total double standard - drooling over chubby guys while at the same time hating myself and wanting to crawl out of my skin if i'm at a 'normal' weight. i feel bad about it, but at the same time i don't know why i feel bad- it's not like i choose what's attractive to me. And i've tried dating guys of all shapes and sizes, because sometimes i was attracted to a guy because of personality, or because he had a gorgeous smile, or because he was funny or musically talented, etc. But legit physical/sexual attraction is just never there unless a guy is at least slightly overweight.
i honestly don't think one has much to do with the other. i guarantee i would still swoon over fat guys and abercrombie models would still leave me cold and a bit grossed out, even if i magically woke up tomorrow completely cured of any and all ED'ed thoughts. and it's 100% genuine attraction (ok, more like pure unmitigated lust ); i'm not and never have been into using other people- fat or thin, real-life or internet pictures- as ED 'triggers'.
yesterday i was in class and there was this one guy who was so incredibly gorgeous i had to will myself not to stare at him like a creep; he looked like he belonged in a Renaissance painting where beautifully soft voluptuous creatures lounge on velvet and drink wine. worse yet, at one point we were playing a game where we all stood in a circle and tossed a beach ball to each other. (it's a class for teaching English and the ball had questions and conversation-starters written all over it.) whenever he reached to grab an errant ball and his shirt lifted up, i was blushing furiously and my concentration was just gone.
then we took a break for lunch and i must have been more obvious about flirting with him than i thought, because he asked for my number. :blush: he didn't actually eat anything on break and said he was on a diet and wanted to lose weight, and of course in my head i was like wtf nooooo, you can't do that, you're fucking perfect right now! then feeling like a total hypocrite because obviously i want to lose weight too, and will resort to some pretty unhealthy measures to do so, and it doesn't matter if other people think i'm fine as-is. so i feel bad for wanting someone else to be fat when i'm clearly not okay with that for myself at all.
idk. anyone else relate? how do you deal with feeling like this?
mostly visits to this forum just consisted of me reading posts and being like 'omg i thought it was just me but it's not!' so lately i've been feeling like a hypocrite and a bad person, because i'm a FFA and also anorexic. i know i have a total double standard - drooling over chubby guys while at the same time hating myself and wanting to crawl out of my skin if i'm at a 'normal' weight. i feel bad about it, but at the same time i don't know why i feel bad- it's not like i choose what's attractive to me. And i've tried dating guys of all shapes and sizes, because sometimes i was attracted to a guy because of personality, or because he had a gorgeous smile, or because he was funny or musically talented, etc. But legit physical/sexual attraction is just never there unless a guy is at least slightly overweight.
i honestly don't think one has much to do with the other. i guarantee i would still swoon over fat guys and abercrombie models would still leave me cold and a bit grossed out, even if i magically woke up tomorrow completely cured of any and all ED'ed thoughts. and it's 100% genuine attraction (ok, more like pure unmitigated lust
); i'm not and never have been into using other people- fat or thin, real-life or internet pictures- as ED 'triggers'. yesterday i was in class and there was this one guy who was so incredibly gorgeous i had to will myself not to stare at him like a creep; he looked like he belonged in a Renaissance painting where beautifully soft voluptuous creatures lounge on velvet and drink wine. worse yet, at one point we were playing a game where we all stood in a circle and tossed a beach ball to each other. (it's a class for teaching English and the ball had questions and conversation-starters written all over it.) whenever he reached to grab an errant ball and his shirt lifted up, i was blushing furiously and my concentration was just gone.
then we took a break for lunch and i must have been more obvious about flirting with him than i thought, because he asked for my number. :blush: he didn't actually eat anything on break and said he was on a diet and wanted to lose weight, and of course in my head i was like wtf nooooo, you can't do that, you're fucking perfect right now! then feeling like a total hypocrite because obviously i want to lose weight too, and will resort to some pretty unhealthy measures to do so, and it doesn't matter if other people think i'm fine as-is. so i feel bad for wanting someone else to be fat when i'm clearly not okay with that for myself at all.
idk. anyone else relate? how do you deal with feeling like this?
