Yep, I'm right back there. I'm willing to swear that my ana downswings and my boyfriend's diets do not coincide by accident at this point. (Actually, my theory is that as he's building up to a diet-attempt he's incredibly down on himself...often verbally. Which means I adopt the same attitude--but my compulsions are faster-acting than his, so I fall apart more quickly...and, unfortunately, more quietly.)
As I recall, there were some other eating-disorder-prone posters when I first joined the board...I was actually wondering if any of them have been in a situation like this. Frankly, I have no idea what to do anymore. It's not HIS fault that I can't help out-dieting everyone around me, after all. (And I haven't started trying...yet. Which is not to say the impulse isn't there--ye gods, is it!--but one of the 'benefits' of my ED is amazing self-discipline.) Worse still, we've been 'round and 'round the last two nights about it...which makes me feel guilty. And guilt is a fantastic starvation jump-starter. At one point during our discussion he literally told me that if I couldn't hold my ED at bay (I have not even once mentioned falling off the wagon--he's either paranoid or more perceptive than I've given him credit for!) his diet would fail and it would be My Fault.
I love this boy to death, but I'm at wits' end. Before we more or less lived together, his diets were just a difficult spot to ride out...but we eat a minimum of one meal a day together--two on quiet days and three on weekends--and contending with all of his "food rules" has me tied in knots already. I can eat in front of him, because I have to, but I can't eat anything else, anywhere else, and I can't eat unless he's eating. And I can't talk to him about it, can't talk to my friends about it (they all talk to him!) and I don't have a therapist anymore because my insurance doesn't cover it...and I'm out of coping mechanisms. And on top of it, he's watching everything I eat like some kind of demented nutritonal counselor! (Watching me eat is a guarunteed way to be sure I DON'T, for the record.)
So...how do I balance being supportive, staying sane, and (ugh, the worst part) staying attracted to the boy who makes me tingle NOW...but is determined to lose fifty pounds and some change?!
*cries*
This rant brought to you by Ana, Mia, and the number thirteen...or something like that.
As I recall, there were some other eating-disorder-prone posters when I first joined the board...I was actually wondering if any of them have been in a situation like this. Frankly, I have no idea what to do anymore. It's not HIS fault that I can't help out-dieting everyone around me, after all. (And I haven't started trying...yet. Which is not to say the impulse isn't there--ye gods, is it!--but one of the 'benefits' of my ED is amazing self-discipline.) Worse still, we've been 'round and 'round the last two nights about it...which makes me feel guilty. And guilt is a fantastic starvation jump-starter. At one point during our discussion he literally told me that if I couldn't hold my ED at bay (I have not even once mentioned falling off the wagon--he's either paranoid or more perceptive than I've given him credit for!) his diet would fail and it would be My Fault.
I love this boy to death, but I'm at wits' end. Before we more or less lived together, his diets were just a difficult spot to ride out...but we eat a minimum of one meal a day together--two on quiet days and three on weekends--and contending with all of his "food rules" has me tied in knots already. I can eat in front of him, because I have to, but I can't eat anything else, anywhere else, and I can't eat unless he's eating. And I can't talk to him about it, can't talk to my friends about it (they all talk to him!) and I don't have a therapist anymore because my insurance doesn't cover it...and I'm out of coping mechanisms. And on top of it, he's watching everything I eat like some kind of demented nutritonal counselor! (Watching me eat is a guarunteed way to be sure I DON'T, for the record.)
So...how do I balance being supportive, staying sane, and (ugh, the worst part) staying attracted to the boy who makes me tingle NOW...but is determined to lose fifty pounds and some change?!
*cries*
This rant brought to you by Ana, Mia, and the number thirteen...or something like that.
