InsecureGirl
Well-Known Member
Hey all,
I decided to be brave and finally register and post a message here. I'd been viewing the boards for a while..
So, anyway.. about me.. well I'm 20 years old, from the UK, England... I've got long blonde hair and blue eyes, I'm 5'5 and as a guess 210 lbs? That's just a guess.. haha. I've not weighed myself for like 7 years. Too afraid to.
So, basically I'm posting here to share with you how I'm starting to feel a little bit better about myself after reading the forum. I'm very insecure with my body.. most girls my age are all twigs and I get depressed sometimes because I'm not.. and then other times I think 'No, wait.. I don't care what people think.. accept me for who I am..' (Oh I ramble, so please excuse me if this doesn't make much sense) The thing is, I've not always been this weight, I was sick.. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for a while.. and now look at me.. I've blown up like a balloon.. and then I get depressed about being fatter than everyone else, so what do I do? I eat for comfort.. and then I feel fat for eating.. so I eat some more.. I'm like caught in this vicious cycle.
And then there's the whole thing about feeling crap everywhere... the world we live in is so size-ist.. especially in the UK I find. I have only found one shop that sells clothes in bigger sizes that don't make me look like a sack of potatoes.. I've yet to find one that sells clothes for my age.. some of the stuff that they offer would suit a woman in her late 40's.. early 50's.. but not me. And then I have this whole issue with chairs, they are so small.. most have arms too.. so, I don't want to embarrass myself by trying to squeeze my butt into it. So, I just stand up like an idiot and say 'Oh, I think I'll stand thanks' even when I'm desperate to sit down. I'm so paranoid that my doctor will be disgusted with me and tell me to diet that I refuse to let them weigh me. And yes I understand this is a rant of mine, but hopefully it'll make me feel better and some people can sympathize with how I'm feeling..
I used to constantly suck in my stomach, in fear that someone might see that I have a plump belly.. but lately after reading the forums and seeing people can actually be happy whatever size I've started to not suck it in.. let it all hang out. haha. It's just this whole thing of people saying 'I'm fat and happy' and then someone skinny turning around and going 'They just say it, they don't really mean it' It makes me mad.. And I think the reason I'm agoraphobic and haven't left my house in over a year is to do with the fact of how I feel about my weight. I haven't let -anyone- know this.. so here it is.. I can't stand the thought of people looking at me and thinking horrible thoughts 'Oh my god, look at how fat that young girl is.. she really let herself go..' or whatever.. also standing next to young thin girls in skimpy outfits is less than helpful. Who wants to see me standing next to them in a mini skirt? I sure wouldn't be able to.. not with my thunder thighs that rub together. I just worry constantly about what people will think and how out of place I'll look. I realise I'm not that big.. but to myself I feel enormous.. I've even been looking at pro-ana sites lately hoping I'll make myself feel better.. maybe follow the advice and then I'll feel happy again. Yes, I know.. I'm being really stupid.
Anyway, this probably doesn't make any sense.. if someone manages to read it and stuff.. please reply..
A special thank you to wagimawr for helping me out of my shell and giving me the courage to post here.
I decided to be brave and finally register and post a message here. I'd been viewing the boards for a while..
So, anyway.. about me.. well I'm 20 years old, from the UK, England... I've got long blonde hair and blue eyes, I'm 5'5 and as a guess 210 lbs? That's just a guess.. haha. I've not weighed myself for like 7 years. Too afraid to.
So, basically I'm posting here to share with you how I'm starting to feel a little bit better about myself after reading the forum. I'm very insecure with my body.. most girls my age are all twigs and I get depressed sometimes because I'm not.. and then other times I think 'No, wait.. I don't care what people think.. accept me for who I am..' (Oh I ramble, so please excuse me if this doesn't make much sense) The thing is, I've not always been this weight, I was sick.. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for a while.. and now look at me.. I've blown up like a balloon.. and then I get depressed about being fatter than everyone else, so what do I do? I eat for comfort.. and then I feel fat for eating.. so I eat some more.. I'm like caught in this vicious cycle.
And then there's the whole thing about feeling crap everywhere... the world we live in is so size-ist.. especially in the UK I find. I have only found one shop that sells clothes in bigger sizes that don't make me look like a sack of potatoes.. I've yet to find one that sells clothes for my age.. some of the stuff that they offer would suit a woman in her late 40's.. early 50's.. but not me. And then I have this whole issue with chairs, they are so small.. most have arms too.. so, I don't want to embarrass myself by trying to squeeze my butt into it. So, I just stand up like an idiot and say 'Oh, I think I'll stand thanks' even when I'm desperate to sit down. I'm so paranoid that my doctor will be disgusted with me and tell me to diet that I refuse to let them weigh me. And yes I understand this is a rant of mine, but hopefully it'll make me feel better and some people can sympathize with how I'm feeling..
I used to constantly suck in my stomach, in fear that someone might see that I have a plump belly.. but lately after reading the forums and seeing people can actually be happy whatever size I've started to not suck it in.. let it all hang out. haha. It's just this whole thing of people saying 'I'm fat and happy' and then someone skinny turning around and going 'They just say it, they don't really mean it' It makes me mad.. And I think the reason I'm agoraphobic and haven't left my house in over a year is to do with the fact of how I feel about my weight. I haven't let -anyone- know this.. so here it is.. I can't stand the thought of people looking at me and thinking horrible thoughts 'Oh my god, look at how fat that young girl is.. she really let herself go..' or whatever.. also standing next to young thin girls in skimpy outfits is less than helpful. Who wants to see me standing next to them in a mini skirt? I sure wouldn't be able to.. not with my thunder thighs that rub together. I just worry constantly about what people will think and how out of place I'll look. I realise I'm not that big.. but to myself I feel enormous.. I've even been looking at pro-ana sites lately hoping I'll make myself feel better.. maybe follow the advice and then I'll feel happy again. Yes, I know.. I'm being really stupid.
Anyway, this probably doesn't make any sense.. if someone manages to read it and stuff.. please reply..
A special thank you to wagimawr for helping me out of my shell and giving me the courage to post here.
