FillingOut
Member
I know a lot has been said on these boards in regards to being in conflict with oneself. It's frightening for me sometimes to read these boards and realize how much I have in common with so many of you, but not wanting to admit it.
I've spent a long time in denial about myself. I didn't really realize that gaining turned me on until I was about 22 years old, and then I didn't want to accept it. However, I have found that the only way I want a girl to find me sexy is if she wants me to be big, soft, and round.
I've been so resentful of the price I've had to pay for my sexuality. I'm sure some of you have, or even are, saying to yourselves: "Why me...and why does it have to be THIS?" Granted, there are far, far worse things than being into fat out there, but still, fat admiration is not part of the mainstream in the way that, say, S&M has become.
I've been scared for so long to admit that I wanted to be large and soft, and my mind is still sort of racing with my decision. I guess a part of me is still "giving myself permission" to do what I want to do, or to do what turns me on and makes me feel sexy. Because of my hatred of this part of myself, I've become isolated, not dating, not socializing, etc. I figured that all that was pretty much not available to me because of the sexual barriers.
I'm still dipping my feet in the waters here. I'm so scared not because I don't know what to do, but because what to do has become more and more clear. It's strange to think "how big would you like to be?" and make adjustments to your diet in the same way you would if you were going to lose weight, and I don't know about any of you, but even the planning, even the mathematics of it, is completely erotic to me. I don't even want to get that much bigger, but the idea of intentionally fattening myself up a bit more sounds wonderful.
Anyway, I've got to head back to work. Just felt like I needed to let my feelings out.
Will
I've spent a long time in denial about myself. I didn't really realize that gaining turned me on until I was about 22 years old, and then I didn't want to accept it. However, I have found that the only way I want a girl to find me sexy is if she wants me to be big, soft, and round.
I've been so resentful of the price I've had to pay for my sexuality. I'm sure some of you have, or even are, saying to yourselves: "Why me...and why does it have to be THIS?" Granted, there are far, far worse things than being into fat out there, but still, fat admiration is not part of the mainstream in the way that, say, S&M has become.
I've been scared for so long to admit that I wanted to be large and soft, and my mind is still sort of racing with my decision. I guess a part of me is still "giving myself permission" to do what I want to do, or to do what turns me on and makes me feel sexy. Because of my hatred of this part of myself, I've become isolated, not dating, not socializing, etc. I figured that all that was pretty much not available to me because of the sexual barriers.
I'm still dipping my feet in the waters here. I'm so scared not because I don't know what to do, but because what to do has become more and more clear. It's strange to think "how big would you like to be?" and make adjustments to your diet in the same way you would if you were going to lose weight, and I don't know about any of you, but even the planning, even the mathematics of it, is completely erotic to me. I don't even want to get that much bigger, but the idea of intentionally fattening myself up a bit more sounds wonderful.
Anyway, I've got to head back to work. Just felt like I needed to let my feelings out.
Will
