"And that dream involves fucking three hot Swedish masseuses at the same time. I'll let that sink in for a few seconds.
Notice that nowhere in that dream did I mention a desire to help you, John Q. Taxpayer, or you, Suzy Homemaker. Why not? Because honestly, I am not a people person. I do not like your kind, and if I had my way I'd pit half of you against the other half in gladatorial combat for my amusement.
I am not a gladhander; in fact, if you try to shake my hand I will have my bodyguards bludgeon you senseless. I will not kiss your children, as children are germ-ridden and worthless, and I care not to bestow upon them such an honor.
(Bestow means "to convey as a gift." Lord knows you don't look like the smartest bunch of mooks to ever fall off the turnip wagon, and I want you all to be perfectly clear as to the level of contempt I hold for the lot of ya'.)
You may be wondering just why I am running for office. The answer is simple: Power. Lots of power. Power to abuse as I see fit. The power to crush the weak and fortify the strong. I would do this because I've no use for pussies, unless they're attached to women.
Perhaps you're wondering where I stand on the key issues? I would hope so; despite needing your votes I don't want them if you're too much of a twit to put some thought and effort into the democratic process.
I believe that abortion is merely proactive population control, and anything that keeps me from dealing with more people gets a solid thumbs up.
I believe that the church attendance should be mandatory. I stand a greater chance of staying in power if I reside in a country full of drones who are afraid of killing me.
I believe that gun control should be abolished outright. Workplace shootings make for good TV.
And finally, I will discontinue school funding at once. Yes, all of it. Our children are a lost cause, and our future will likely involve global thermonuclear war. Book smarts don't help much when it comes to being incinerated, and the money's therefore better spent on building bigger bombs.
Ladies and gentleman, in case it has not been made perfectly clear, voting for me is the second-worst decision you could ever make. The worst decision, however, is voting for the other guy, because unlike me, he doesn't have the balls to speak his mind.
Thank you, and goodnight."
Admit it, you'd vote for me.
(For the record, this is creative satirical writing, assuming I'm remembering correctly the definition of satire.)
Notice that nowhere in that dream did I mention a desire to help you, John Q. Taxpayer, or you, Suzy Homemaker. Why not? Because honestly, I am not a people person. I do not like your kind, and if I had my way I'd pit half of you against the other half in gladatorial combat for my amusement.
I am not a gladhander; in fact, if you try to shake my hand I will have my bodyguards bludgeon you senseless. I will not kiss your children, as children are germ-ridden and worthless, and I care not to bestow upon them such an honor.
(Bestow means "to convey as a gift." Lord knows you don't look like the smartest bunch of mooks to ever fall off the turnip wagon, and I want you all to be perfectly clear as to the level of contempt I hold for the lot of ya'.)
You may be wondering just why I am running for office. The answer is simple: Power. Lots of power. Power to abuse as I see fit. The power to crush the weak and fortify the strong. I would do this because I've no use for pussies, unless they're attached to women.
Perhaps you're wondering where I stand on the key issues? I would hope so; despite needing your votes I don't want them if you're too much of a twit to put some thought and effort into the democratic process.
I believe that abortion is merely proactive population control, and anything that keeps me from dealing with more people gets a solid thumbs up.
I believe that the church attendance should be mandatory. I stand a greater chance of staying in power if I reside in a country full of drones who are afraid of killing me.
I believe that gun control should be abolished outright. Workplace shootings make for good TV.
And finally, I will discontinue school funding at once. Yes, all of it. Our children are a lost cause, and our future will likely involve global thermonuclear war. Book smarts don't help much when it comes to being incinerated, and the money's therefore better spent on building bigger bombs.
Ladies and gentleman, in case it has not been made perfectly clear, voting for me is the second-worst decision you could ever make. The worst decision, however, is voting for the other guy, because unlike me, he doesn't have the balls to speak his mind.
Thank you, and goodnight."
Admit it, you'd vote for me.
(For the record, this is creative satirical writing, assuming I'm remembering correctly the definition of satire.)
