Deven
Wendigo
I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
With self-esteem issues come the "leeches." The guys that seem to target us, the ones that sense that we aren't all that confident. That we don't feel beautiful. They tell us what we want to hear, they tell us that we are perfect. Then they shatter our hearts, or leave us with no choice but to leave them.
I thought I had finally found Mr. Perfect. He's known me for 4 years, we've been best friends, lovers, you name it. He appreciates my opinions, my brutal honesty, my spelling/grammar corrections. He doesn't complain when I experiment with recipes and he is the unfortunate taste tester. We can watch the most fucked up movies, but he doesn't complain. He has spent every Holiday with me for the past year.
So, upon his urging, I move two hours from my friends and family. I quit my job, pack up, get my own place, and move to be closer to him. Yet, he tells me that he's afraid of committing, that he's been burned too many times. Yet, he had told me he loved me (and no, not to get into my pants. He said that and didn't even make a move.)
We start talking ifs. IF we get into a relationship. IF we get married. He asks me about kids names, marriage, how we want to raise them. Then one day, he drops this bombshell: "If we get together, I want you to lose weight."
I was left dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. Now, I have all these doubts, and am looking at myself in the mirror. I've had countless plastic surgeries, knee/back surgeries. I relearned how to walk when told it was impossible. I usually use these things to boost my ego, to make me remember that I am smart, talented, and capable. Then I get taken down a few pegs, almost back to where I started.
So now I sit, and I wonder. I thought I found someone who valued me, valued my intelligence. I thought that I knew him. I loved him. I have barely spoken to him in the past month and a half, and I feel like I'm lighter sometimes. I feel like this weight has been lifted, and I am not being hurt by him. Then, there's times when I think, "Maybe if I lose the weight, he'll want me."
I decided to look elsewhere, as hard as it is. I will also move back home soon. It was just a hard wake up call that took me back down the self-esteem ladder.
I apologize for the length of this post. If it's in a wrong space or need to be moved, you have my sincerest apologies.
I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
With self-esteem issues come the "leeches." The guys that seem to target us, the ones that sense that we aren't all that confident. That we don't feel beautiful. They tell us what we want to hear, they tell us that we are perfect. Then they shatter our hearts, or leave us with no choice but to leave them.
I thought I had finally found Mr. Perfect. He's known me for 4 years, we've been best friends, lovers, you name it. He appreciates my opinions, my brutal honesty, my spelling/grammar corrections. He doesn't complain when I experiment with recipes and he is the unfortunate taste tester. We can watch the most fucked up movies, but he doesn't complain. He has spent every Holiday with me for the past year.
So, upon his urging, I move two hours from my friends and family. I quit my job, pack up, get my own place, and move to be closer to him. Yet, he tells me that he's afraid of committing, that he's been burned too many times. Yet, he had told me he loved me (and no, not to get into my pants. He said that and didn't even make a move.)
We start talking ifs. IF we get into a relationship. IF we get married. He asks me about kids names, marriage, how we want to raise them. Then one day, he drops this bombshell: "If we get together, I want you to lose weight."
I was left dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. Now, I have all these doubts, and am looking at myself in the mirror. I've had countless plastic surgeries, knee/back surgeries. I relearned how to walk when told it was impossible. I usually use these things to boost my ego, to make me remember that I am smart, talented, and capable. Then I get taken down a few pegs, almost back to where I started.
So now I sit, and I wonder. I thought I found someone who valued me, valued my intelligence. I thought that I knew him. I loved him. I have barely spoken to him in the past month and a half, and I feel like I'm lighter sometimes. I feel like this weight has been lifted, and I am not being hurt by him. Then, there's times when I think, "Maybe if I lose the weight, he'll want me."
I decided to look elsewhere, as hard as it is. I will also move back home soon. It was just a hard wake up call that took me back down the self-esteem ladder.
I apologize for the length of this post. If it's in a wrong space or need to be moved, you have my sincerest apologies.
