elroycohen
Steampunk Psycho
~BBW (Multiple), Pro Wrestling - A night at the arena of heavyweights.
International Ladies of the Ring Presents:
Its a Fight Saturday Night
by Elroy Cohen
Main Event Match:
The Pink Puma
5-3, 199 pounds
Mexico City, Mexico via Merridian Township, British Columbia
VS
Lady Virtue
510, 193 pounds
Philadelphia, PA
Were back folks for the main event on ILR. Im Steady Sam Solaman and seated next to me at color commentary is 'Fabulous' Fabian Falluce.
Its gonna be a good one, Sam.
Right you are, Fab.
The sold-out arenas lights dim and a lone spotlight shines on the entrance. Above the opening, a giant screen shows clips of a full-figured blonde strutting down runways in various outfits ranging from swimwear to negligees. Slow jazz music plays over the loudspeakers.
The crowd boos and hisses.
Coming out first, Fab, we have Lady Virtue.
You said it wrong, jackass, its the Lovely Lady Virtue. Get it right.
I bet thats whats on her drivers license. Anyway, the spokesmodel of the federation has recently taken it upon herself to police the leagues many newcomers, which has led to this match tonight.
Thats right, Sam, she has taken the initiative to lay down the law on the disrespectful, rule-breaking rookies that think they can come into this league and run things. Very diplomatic of her.
Or self righteous, seeing how she in no way has been given the authority by the league to act in the manner she has. Shes not even a true wrestler.
The woman shown in the screens images appears from the entryway to a chorus of boos and saunters to the ring with an exaggerated sway of her voluptuous hips, appearing very disinterested in the hoards of fans that reach out to shake her hand as she walks by. A few outreaching fans brush her bare forearm that has the same bronzed fake tan color as the rest her exposed skin. She flashes them a disgusted sneer and flips her full, curly hair in their direction. The wide hips, covered in a pair of high-waisted silver biker shorts tapers up to a waist that appears narrow mostly because of the width of her hips. The watermelon sized breasts also help give the hourglass appearance. The terribly out of proportion rack, supported only by a sparkly silver tank top, bounces rhythmically as she sashays up the ring steps and delicately climbs into the ring. She poses in the center of the ring, giving the crowd a double bicep flex, revealing to the onlookers that she has no visible tone whatsoever. The music dies out and she can be heard complaining to the referee. Her caked on make-up is already starting to run under the intense lights.
Lady Virtue is such a stunning beauty, Sam.
Very attractive, yes, Fab, but her attitude has never sat well with the fans.
What do they know, Sam, they're a bunch of idiots. Theyll probably be cheering for this next loser.
The lights fade into red, green and amber spotlights that dance wildly around the ring and walkway. Lively Mexican music blares throughout the arena. The screen changes to a slow motion montage of a very rotund young lady jumping off the top rope, and flipping in mid air before landing on various opponents.
The crowd cheers wildly. Some hold up homemade signs with sayings such as Pounce on her Puma, or I want to be like the Puma on them.
That would be The Pink Puma and I dont see how you can call her a loser. Shes very energetic but always respectful whenever I talk to her.
You cant be serious, Sam, this chick is nothing but a spotlight hog. At one event she came out three different times to beg for attention from the audience for no good reason.
I was at that event and she had very good reason; the crowd gave her a standing ovation. There was no need for Lady Virtue to come out and blindside her with a chair, Fab.
As usual you got it all wrong, Sam, but thats what brought us to this showdown tonight.
Out from the darkness bounds an apple-shaped woman in a pink bodysuit. Her most prominent feature, her belly, juts out in front of her and wraps around the sides, hanging down low enough to hide the tops of her soft, thick thighs. Despite her cumbersome torso she is a constant flutter of energy on her way down to the ring. Her suit covers all the way down from the neck, even out to her hands. Small black spots, meant to be puma paws, decorate her palms. Across her wide torso the image of a lunging puma, in a slightly darker shade of pink them the rest of the outfit, bares its teeth. She bobs up and down on matching pink wrestling boots with thick white soles cushioning her energetic movements. She has a big smile on her face as she touches as many hands as she can, skipping down the aisle. Her long, slightly stringy auburn-colored hair is kept out of her face with a giant pink bow, showcasing her young-looking, very round, make-up free face. Huge brown eyes alternate from an intense glare up toward the ring and a friendly, almost coy wink to the audience.
This one should be an interesting match-up physically, Sam. Lady Virtue is six foot one in her heels and the pink butterball there is barely over five foot.
Good point, Fab, although even more interesting is the fact that Lady Virtue has absolutely no wrestling training whatsoever.
But shes undefeated here in the ILR.
Shes wrestled four matches in six years and none of those matches ended cleanly.
Nitpicking, Sam, pure nitpicking.
Anyway, weight wise the woman are pretty even; Lady Virtue is listed at 193 and The Pink Puma is 199.
The pink Puma hops up onto the ring apron and flips over the top rope into the ring, looking like a cascading waterfall of pink jelly as she effortlessly glides over the rope. Under the bright lights her bright pink costume gives an odd contrast to the olive tone of her skin.
Lady Virtue keeps her distance, making sure the silver-haired man in a striped shirt is between her and The Puma at all times.
An interesting side note: The Puma has been feverishly training in the Mexican Luche Libre style of wrestling for years now, Fab.
Why is that, Sam, I heard shes from British Canada?
Im sure you mean British Columbia.
Oh no, my sources tell me she has absolutely no Columbian in her at all.
Anyway, she moved down to Mexico City at age sixteen and has become something of a phenom in the art of Luche Libre, even competing with seasoned male wrestlers to push herself to the next level.
It certainly hasnt pushed her to the next level of physical fitness, Sam.
A little stockier then your average Luche Libre, sure, but her weight has actually become an asset to her in the ring since shes able to move around so agilely. And as the few people shes faced her in her short time with the ILF can attest, if she hits you with her trademark 360 splash, its all over.
Can you imagine if she lands that on top of Lady Virtues flawless rack?
Wed need to call a HAZMAT team to clean up all the chemicals that would leak out of those monsters, Fab.
What are you saying? You think theyre not natural?
Man made would be my guess, Fab.
Shut-up, Sam, the actions about to start. Let me do my job.
The bell sounds and the ladies meet at the center of the ring in a collar and elbow tie-up. After a short struggle for power, Lady Virtues height gives her the leverage she needs to propel The Puma onto her backside. The tight pink bodysuit reveals the force of the impact as every roll and bulge on her body ripples violently. Lady Virtue celebrates by turning to the crowd and giving another muscle-free double bicep pose. Behind her Puma pops back up. The pink-suited wrestler grabs a flabby bicep and spins Virtue around, connecting with a thunderous backhand chop right in the middle of the low-cut neckline of her tank top. Virtues huge cannons shudder uncontrollably. The crowd gasps collectively in response to the sickening slap the strike makes.
Lady Virtues height proved to be the advantage there, Sam, forcing the Pink Blob to resort to underhanded means.
That was a perfectly legal open-handed chop, and a beauty at that.
The wrestlers again intertwine in a center of the ring collar and elbow tie-up with the exact same result; Puma gets put on her rear, Virtue celebrates, Puma softens up Virtues melons with the back of her hand. The exposed cleavage now has a light pink streak that Lady Virtue clutches at, looking short of breath as she staggers around the ring. The Puma circles Virtue, bounding from one side of the ring to the other, bouncing off the ropes as she does. With each thrust into the ropes she pumps the crowd up with an energetic yell. Lady Virtue makes a couple attempts to grab and strike at the passing Puma but misses badly. Her very un-ring worthy silver sandals with four inch heels show off her pedicure nicely, but leave her to teeter around futilely.
Ha, the pink kitten is scared now. Shes running all over trying to avoid locking up with Lady Virtue, Sam.
I think the Puma is setting her up for something here, Fab. Lady Virtue looks completely discombobulated.
The fourth time off the ropes Puma leaps into the air at Lady Virtue. She lands yet another blow to the mammeries, this time a flying forearm that lays the taller wrestler out, flat on her back.
Thats no fair, Sam. The pink nightmare is targeting Lady Virtues boobs.
Theyre the size of hot air balloons, Fab, youd have to try real hard not to hit em.
A groggy Lady Virtue pulls herself up to her knees, screaming at the referee that Puma pulled her hair. Signs of early sweat stains under her arms and around her melons, along with still looking out of breath reveal just how un-athletic the ring model is.
The ref holds the visibly frustrated Puma back while he admonishes the supposed foul play.
Still on her knees, Lady Virtue seizes the opportunity to lunge past the ref and attack Pumas stout, stubby little legs. The attack has little effect. Lady Virtue continues futilely pounding away at the well-padded kneecap with her fists. The unfazed Puma shrugs to the crowd, who yell for her to pummel her kneeling opponent.
Questionable tactic there, Fab. With the Pumas low center of gravity I probably wouldnt have recommended going after her legs.
Thats why you never wrestled, you idiot. If you take out the legs of a Luche Libre wrestler it grounds them and makes them a much easier target.
Puma reaches down around Lady Virtues waist and pulls her up off the ground. She spins 180 degrees in the air before Puma lets her drop to the mat with a powerful powerbomb. Virtues chest wobbles like bean bags filled with jelly. Her back arches and face contorts into a pained scowl upon impact. During the powerbomb Virtues silver biker shorts had slid under her belly button, letting a fairly good sized roll of flab hang over what must have been control top shorts.
Youre right I never wrestled, but I know getting powerbombed is not the desired result a wrestler wants, Fab.
Lady Virtue shakes off the cobwebs, gets to her knees and repeats the same ineffectual lunge for The Pumas knee.
Persistence, Sam, thats the key. Shell get it eventually.
Puma reaches down again and this time picks Virtue up into a bear-hug. She is barely able to get her arms around the small of her back as Virtues monstrous chest piles up in a sweaty heap underneath her chin, but once she does she shakes the taller wrestler around like a rag doll. The move actually works against her as Virtues boobs flop back and forth against her cheek, slapping with the force of twenty pound sacks of fat.
Talk about questionable moves, Sam. The kitty cats gonna knock herself out if she keeps that up.
Right you are, Fab. She appears to be losing her grip.
Pumas hands pop free and Lady Virtue comes in with a girlish looking slap on the cheek. Pumas long ponytail whips around from the impact. The crowd ooohs at the resulting slap and then boos as Virtue continues the onslaught, backing Puma up to the corner of the ring. While Puma leans against the ring post for support Lady Virtue holds up a closed fist and then buries it deep into Pumas very abundant potbelly.
That was a closed fist, Fab, the ref needs to step in here.
She has to use the fist, Sam, nothing else would get through all that padding.
The ref yells at Lady Virtue but makes no move to stop her as she continues the abdominal onslaught. Each blow causes the bloated belly to buck and bounce violently, ending with a loud slap against the front of her thighs. Lady Virtue stops momentarily to dig at the front of Pumas bright pink body suit with her nails until she creates a hole. She rips the small hole into a large opening that Pumas fatty gut oozes through like toothpaste getting squeezed out of a tube. Reddish spots from Virtues fist speckle the wide stomach. Now exposed, Lady Virtue continues the pounding on her soft target. Sympathetic groans from the audience follow each painful sounding slap.
Looks like the end for the pink pudge, Sam.
Right you are, Fab. The ref might have to call this one before we find out what The Puma had for lunch.
Look at her, Sam. Her fat arms can barely hold herself up. Shes gonna go any minute.
Confidently strutting back to mid ring, Lady Virtue looks out to the crowd for accolades that never come, then she charges into the corner, slamming her knockers right underneath the chin of the dazed Puma.
Oooh, the dreaded medicine ball avalanche, Sam. Shell feel that.
Thats not even a real move, Fab, you just made that up. At best that was a modified cross-body block.
Hey, if it works ?
Lady Virtue grabs the weary Puma by the hair and pulls her into a headlock. She then takes a series of steps forward and jumps out to the center of the ring with Pumas head still tucked under arm. Virtue lands on her cushiony backside while Puma splats onto the mat belly first.
Normally the bulldog puts a wrestler jaw first to the canvas, Fab.
Yeah, but pinky there has enough burritos stored in her paunch that she went right onto that fat belly. Lady Virtue is rolling her on her back now. Stick a fork in her, Sam, shes done.
The referee slides into position to make the three count.
One Two
Puma lifts a shoulder just in time. Lady Virtue leans backs on her thighs and shakes her fists in frustration. The resulting quivering of breast flesh threatens to pop the paltry little tank top. Instead of going back in for another cover Lady Virtue claws at Pumas neck with her fingernails, her make-up smeared face contorted in anger, like a woman possessed.
More evidence of poor judgment, Fab. Thats clearly an illegal choke and the ref will have to stop this.
Once admonished by the ref, Lady Virtue resorts to pounding downward on Pumas cheek with a series of closed fists, looking more like a child throwing a tantrum then a wrestler. The ref steps between the two to warn Virtue to keep it clean while Puma appears barely conscious on the mat. Virtue steps around the ref and grinds the heel of her boot into the forehead of her fallen opponent. Confident in her dominance of the match, Lady Virtue drags Puma to her feet and shoves her back into the ring corner. After yet another double bicep pose, she goes back to slapping Pumas exposed, jostling, reddened belly.
The crowd, anxious and bored, hurls boos and catcalls at the ring. Slowly, as the open handed slaps continue to reign down on Pumas bobbing pillow of flesh, she appears to regain her wits. Despite the continued slaps she goes from slouched in the corner to grinning and pumping her fists. The crowd reacts with thunderous applause.
Whats happening here? Tubby should be giving up, Sam.
Looks like the crowd is pumping her back up, Fab. Those blows are having no effect.
When the crowds cheering reaches its crescendo Puma grabs Virtue around the neck and spins her around, reversing positions so the taller, bustier one is trapped in the corner. Puma winds up dramatically and lands a deafening slap across the bulbous bosom of Lady Virtue. Virtues eyes bug out and she shrieks as if she had just had a fingernail peeled back and clutches as much of her chest as she can in her arms. Puma peels her hands away and wraps the still screaming womans arms over the top rope, exposing the chest which now has a bright red imprint of a hand across the deep cleavage. Puma lands blow after blow on the vulnerable area, each one with an exaggerated wind-up beforehand. Lady Virtues boobs shake and jiggle as if they are consciously trying to escape. The crowd counts along making it to 9 before Puma stops and turns out to the arena. She clenches her hands together and pulls them apart in front of her own modestly sized tits that bulge under her bodysuit like half-filled water balloons.
This is kind of out of character for Puma, Fab. I think shes signaling to the crowd that she is going to rip off Lady Virtues top.
Thats a brilliant idea.
Oh now all of a sudden youre a fan?
Always have been, Sam. Go Pink Puma!
The crowd erupts into cheers and squeals of joy. As Puma spins around back toward the corner Lady Virtue lashes out with a French tipped finger to her eye. Puma covers her face and staggers out to the center of the ring. After adjusting her top Lady Virtue walks right next to Puma and reaches across her sagging gut with one arm, gripping onto a large love handle and picking the stout wrestler up off the ground until she is parallel with the mat. She then abruptly drops to a seated position, impacting the small of Pumas back with the canvas. She then grapevines her arm underneath Pumas outside leg and with the other arm leans her elbow in between the now flattened out pink lycra encased boobs.
Puma lies motionless as the ref checks her shoulders.
One Two Three!
Thats her move, Sam, Righteous Rehabilitation. Thats her move.
Whatever she calls it, it was a very well executed side-suplex, and it got her the win, Fab.
Dont sound so surprised, Sam. She was undefeated.
Lady Virtue slinks quickly out of the ring. Covering her still reddened cleavage she scurries down the aisle, ignoring the booing fans as she goes. In the ring The Pink Puma still lies flat on her back. Only the gentle rise and fall of her mountainous midsection lets the referee know shes all right.
Well thats all for tonight folks. Tune into Tough-Girl Tuesday Night to see Gwendolyn Hindenburg make good on her bet with Mia Pantelucci to eat her weight in Mamma Panteluccis lasagna if she lost the match at the Maniac Mayhem pay-per-view.
And lose she did, Sam.
Well as always there was some controversy involved, so tune in on Tuesday to see what happens. This is Steady Sam Solaman for Fabulous Fabian Falluce and the rest of the team here at ILR signing off.
