stillblessed23
A half full kinda girl
So recently I have sadly enough had to try and loose some weight since it was making my BP so high and affecting my hormone balance and completely risking my chances of ever having children! Not that I have a boyfriend or anyone to father a child of mine for that matter lol. I, reluctantly joined weight watchers in august and since have actually went from 330 to well 299.4 last week. Part of me was kind of happy to be in two town because I was getting amazing complements left and right. I think on a subconsious level I was kind of sad. I purposely ate my way to 330 and that in it's self had taken me a long time to come to terms with. I had went back and forth between hating it and loving it, Not hating my size persay but hating the side effects like not being able to fit in booths normal size chairs comfortably, slide in desk at school and not to mention my car was becoming uncomfortable. Plus the small fact that it was draining my energy being that I am a full time student, waitress, and help take care of my aunt. Never the less facing the fact that I had to lose weight for this time in my life was kind of hard. I guess I didn't even realize how many snacks and drinks and things of the fattening nature that I snuck in last week because this morning my weight was like 302 or something. I was kinda pissed so I didn't really pay attention to the number. Then for a split second a little chill ran down my spine. After class I headed to Dairy queen and did two things I haven't done since august. I got food without checking what the calories were first, and I ate fast food that wasn't subway. It was AMAZING. When I got home I checked just out of curiousty and my lunch which didn't even fill me up was like a total of 1500 cals.
So here I was, it was like my inner feedee, who is always going to be there let me assure, you came out with a vengence. Since lunch I have wanted to do nothing more than to stuff my face like I used to. It is really hard because I know I am fighting something that I really want but just can't have in this period of my life right now.
I'm compteplating giving in for one day and eating as much as I want especially since T-Day is thursday. A gain next week should be expected lol.
By no means will I let myself get skinny I have no desire too I refuse to. I will probably try to maintain my weight at like 260 for now. If I can get there. I know that it is hard to go against something that you have wanted since you were a child. I think I took the cake too lol. From the age of like 6 I was drawing pictures of fat people, stuffing my aunt's clothes, and doing whatever I had to to sneak yummy food to try and get fat. It was never an accident that I was fat I always wanted to be even before I really knew why, I just always thought it was curvy and pretty.
Any other experiences like mine where you have to fight your inner feedee because you just can't let your desires be fufiled yet would be greatly appreciated. I hope I am not alone in feeling this way, and even as I type this I feel a little bad. The average person will not understand and I absolutely had to vent on here. Thanks everyone for reading. I kind of feel better already.
-Michelle
So here I was, it was like my inner feedee, who is always going to be there let me assure, you came out with a vengence. Since lunch I have wanted to do nothing more than to stuff my face like I used to. It is really hard because I know I am fighting something that I really want but just can't have in this period of my life right now.
I'm compteplating giving in for one day and eating as much as I want especially since T-Day is thursday. A gain next week should be expected lol.
By no means will I let myself get skinny I have no desire too I refuse to. I will probably try to maintain my weight at like 260 for now. If I can get there. I know that it is hard to go against something that you have wanted since you were a child. I think I took the cake too lol. From the age of like 6 I was drawing pictures of fat people, stuffing my aunt's clothes, and doing whatever I had to to sneak yummy food to try and get fat. It was never an accident that I was fat I always wanted to be even before I really knew why, I just always thought it was curvy and pretty.
Any other experiences like mine where you have to fight your inner feedee because you just can't let your desires be fufiled yet would be greatly appreciated. I hope I am not alone in feeling this way, and even as I type this I feel a little bad. The average person will not understand and I absolutely had to vent on here. Thanks everyone for reading. I kind of feel better already.
-Michelle
