I'll try to keep it short and sweet, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. :blush: I'm at least glad I'm in like company, and maybe someone can share their experiences in similar situations.
I'm a 26-year-old female, and for as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed (for lack of a better word, perhaps) about gaining, FA, and all. I would stuff, water bloat, and play pretend, but in reality, I have always been obsessive about my own size. I am disgusted and horrified if I gain weight or have extra fat on my body, and I kick myself whenever I go weeks without going to the gym.
That being said, however, I am very, very much into my boyfriends gaining weight. My first boyfriend was a big guy. I've dated big and thin fellows, and with the latter, I always want to try to get them to gain weight. It's a joke around family and friends that my boyfriends will get fat if they hang around me too much, but we always attribute it to my love of cooking and baking. I'm quite a neurotic nurturer, and I'm always in the kitchen making things from soup for a sick co-worker to plates of desserts for social gaming and drinking buddies. It's how I show that I care for people, yet it has transcended that.
I'm afraid I'm getting too into it. I find myself counting calories and finding the most caloric meals on restaurant websites to give to my boyfriend. I'll sneak things in (like replacing cream for milk in recipes or drinks) to make it heartier. But I have never told this boyfriend my preference. He's a tall, thin guy, and the weight he has put on is already noticeable because of how skinny he is. I feel guilty that I don't reveal this, but how much am I really obligated to reveal?
I've joked, more than once, that I warned him that getting into a relationship with me will more than likely yield some weight gain for him. Over a meal I've made for us all, our friends will comment that he's gonna get fat. He'll say, "Oh, I know!" and grab his (little) belly for emphasis. Sometimes, he will make comments about it, but they're never angry or frustrated. They're more remarks on it, sometimes interjected with "ughs" or "I need to lose weight," but it's not like he does anything about it. Hell, to even try to alleviate my guilt, I'll invite him to go hiking or to the gym with me, but he never comes with.
He doesn't like big girls, and he's said off-handedly, that if he ever got "fat like that" (referring to say, someone on TV) or if he weighed the weight of an acquaintance (200lbs +), he'd kill himself. Now, duh, of course he wouldn't actually do THAT. But I can't help but feel that I'm lying or being manipulative or evil here.
I do cook for him, a lot. He's used to it now. He'll ask me what I'm cooking, he'll ask me to make him stuff, so it's not like I'm forcing this on him. But I think I'm getting too ambitious, too into this, and I feel just so damn guilty.
I don't know if I could ever come totally clean. There are just some people who may not totally understand my preference, and I don't blame them. There are certainly some things I don't like out there, so I'm not expecting someone to be totally understanding about my preferences. I'm not about to just blab about it, but I'm wondering if I should drop hints or be a little more upfront. I just don't know, though. I feel guilty, and then part of me says I shouldn't worry about it.
What do you think? Were any of you in a similar situation? How do you come to terms with this? I admit, my FAness (which that alone was difficult to type) is something I still don't fully accept and I feel ashamed about sometimes. Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities onto my relationship? :/
I'm a 26-year-old female, and for as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed (for lack of a better word, perhaps) about gaining, FA, and all. I would stuff, water bloat, and play pretend, but in reality, I have always been obsessive about my own size. I am disgusted and horrified if I gain weight or have extra fat on my body, and I kick myself whenever I go weeks without going to the gym.
That being said, however, I am very, very much into my boyfriends gaining weight. My first boyfriend was a big guy. I've dated big and thin fellows, and with the latter, I always want to try to get them to gain weight. It's a joke around family and friends that my boyfriends will get fat if they hang around me too much, but we always attribute it to my love of cooking and baking. I'm quite a neurotic nurturer, and I'm always in the kitchen making things from soup for a sick co-worker to plates of desserts for social gaming and drinking buddies. It's how I show that I care for people, yet it has transcended that.
I'm afraid I'm getting too into it. I find myself counting calories and finding the most caloric meals on restaurant websites to give to my boyfriend. I'll sneak things in (like replacing cream for milk in recipes or drinks) to make it heartier. But I have never told this boyfriend my preference. He's a tall, thin guy, and the weight he has put on is already noticeable because of how skinny he is. I feel guilty that I don't reveal this, but how much am I really obligated to reveal?
I've joked, more than once, that I warned him that getting into a relationship with me will more than likely yield some weight gain for him. Over a meal I've made for us all, our friends will comment that he's gonna get fat. He'll say, "Oh, I know!" and grab his (little) belly for emphasis. Sometimes, he will make comments about it, but they're never angry or frustrated. They're more remarks on it, sometimes interjected with "ughs" or "I need to lose weight," but it's not like he does anything about it. Hell, to even try to alleviate my guilt, I'll invite him to go hiking or to the gym with me, but he never comes with.
He doesn't like big girls, and he's said off-handedly, that if he ever got "fat like that" (referring to say, someone on TV) or if he weighed the weight of an acquaintance (200lbs +), he'd kill himself. Now, duh, of course he wouldn't actually do THAT. But I can't help but feel that I'm lying or being manipulative or evil here.
I do cook for him, a lot. He's used to it now. He'll ask me what I'm cooking, he'll ask me to make him stuff, so it's not like I'm forcing this on him. But I think I'm getting too ambitious, too into this, and I feel just so damn guilty.
I don't know if I could ever come totally clean. There are just some people who may not totally understand my preference, and I don't blame them. There are certainly some things I don't like out there, so I'm not expecting someone to be totally understanding about my preferences. I'm not about to just blab about it, but I'm wondering if I should drop hints or be a little more upfront. I just don't know, though. I feel guilty, and then part of me says I shouldn't worry about it.
What do you think? Were any of you in a similar situation? How do you come to terms with this? I admit, my FAness (which that alone was difficult to type) is something I still don't fully accept and I feel ashamed about sometimes. Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities onto my relationship? :/
