I remember the song by Kermit the Frog called Its not easy being green. I dont remember when it came out but I must have been a teenager at the time. That song, along with a few others, always makes me very sad. I understand what it is like to be different. I am not green. Instead, I am fat.
I wasnt always fat. Up until I was 8 years old I was just a normal skinny kid. Then one day I had an operation to remove my tonsils and adenoids (wtf is an adenoid?). I dont think that the medical practices were very modern at that time because I suffered horribly for about 2 months. I was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and then at home (away from school) for the rest of the time. I couldnt eat anything. My parents both worked and I remember crying all day long because I was in so much pain and very hungry and there was nobody there. I was all alone. I tried to swallow food but I couldnt. Not unless I had some painkillers first but those were usually administered to me by my mother who was working all day and did not come home until late.
After I started to heal, I started to gain weight. I gained almost 100 lbs within the first year after the operation. Once I could eat again, I just got fatter and fatter. I remember my mother taking me to a doctor and asking about my weight. The doctor didnt think too much about it and just said that I would probably wear it off as I grew older. That never happened.
I dont think that fat girls go through the same things that fat boys do in school. I remember fat girls having friends. I dont remember too many friends. At that time (early 70s) there were not too many fat people around. I remember the jeers, the comments, the stares; but most of all, the isolation. Nobody can be as mean as kids towards other kids. I remember all the crying I did. It was then that I crawled inside myself. Like any repeated blow to the self, I felt the numbness from the repeated confirmation from my peers that I deserved to be punished.
It has been a long hard journey. I am now 43 years old and there are so many things I will never know. I will never know what it is like to walk along a beach wearing only a bating suit. I will never know what it is like to purchase a pair of blue jeans off the rack and they fit. I will never know what it is like to dance with a girl at the grade 9 Christmas dance. I remember watching all the other kids dance. Some were even kissing because of the mistletoe that was being passed around. I will never know what it is like to participate in school sports. The jocks didnt want fat people on their team. I will never know what it is like to get a note passed to you across the classroom by an admirer. I will never know how my life could have been different. I think the hardest part about growing up and going to school was having a crush on girls whose only reaction towards you was eeewwwww!!!! That really hurt. It still does.
So now I am this battle harden warrior. Youd never know it by looking at me. Im just another fat guy in a world of people getting fatter. Its all still there inside. All the hurt. All the suffering. All the envy. All the sorrow. Its a good thing I am such a large container because there is a lot to keep inside. I carry it well.
This website has confused me. The term FFA blew me out of the water. Imagine such a thing. A fat admirer. Unheard of. Society repeatedly beats into our psyche that you must be slim to be accepted. Who am I to disagree? I dont even accept myself just so I can have that one thing in common with everyone else. A common enemy.
I wasnt always fat. Up until I was 8 years old I was just a normal skinny kid. Then one day I had an operation to remove my tonsils and adenoids (wtf is an adenoid?). I dont think that the medical practices were very modern at that time because I suffered horribly for about 2 months. I was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and then at home (away from school) for the rest of the time. I couldnt eat anything. My parents both worked and I remember crying all day long because I was in so much pain and very hungry and there was nobody there. I was all alone. I tried to swallow food but I couldnt. Not unless I had some painkillers first but those were usually administered to me by my mother who was working all day and did not come home until late.
After I started to heal, I started to gain weight. I gained almost 100 lbs within the first year after the operation. Once I could eat again, I just got fatter and fatter. I remember my mother taking me to a doctor and asking about my weight. The doctor didnt think too much about it and just said that I would probably wear it off as I grew older. That never happened.
I dont think that fat girls go through the same things that fat boys do in school. I remember fat girls having friends. I dont remember too many friends. At that time (early 70s) there were not too many fat people around. I remember the jeers, the comments, the stares; but most of all, the isolation. Nobody can be as mean as kids towards other kids. I remember all the crying I did. It was then that I crawled inside myself. Like any repeated blow to the self, I felt the numbness from the repeated confirmation from my peers that I deserved to be punished.
It has been a long hard journey. I am now 43 years old and there are so many things I will never know. I will never know what it is like to walk along a beach wearing only a bating suit. I will never know what it is like to purchase a pair of blue jeans off the rack and they fit. I will never know what it is like to dance with a girl at the grade 9 Christmas dance. I remember watching all the other kids dance. Some were even kissing because of the mistletoe that was being passed around. I will never know what it is like to participate in school sports. The jocks didnt want fat people on their team. I will never know what it is like to get a note passed to you across the classroom by an admirer. I will never know how my life could have been different. I think the hardest part about growing up and going to school was having a crush on girls whose only reaction towards you was eeewwwww!!!! That really hurt. It still does.
So now I am this battle harden warrior. Youd never know it by looking at me. Im just another fat guy in a world of people getting fatter. Its all still there inside. All the hurt. All the suffering. All the envy. All the sorrow. Its a good thing I am such a large container because there is a lot to keep inside. I carry it well.
This website has confused me. The term FFA blew me out of the water. Imagine such a thing. A fat admirer. Unheard of. Society repeatedly beats into our psyche that you must be slim to be accepted. Who am I to disagree? I dont even accept myself just so I can have that one thing in common with everyone else. A common enemy.
