~BBW, Autobiography, -MWG One large girls experience in screwed by guys, and were not talking sex
[Editors note: Sometimes people wonder why Dimensions seems so uppity about excluding those underage 18 the following is adapted, but only slightly, from a real post by a real person on another site to illustrate the reasons why. The names are presumed to have been changed to protect the guilty.]
This is no love story. Its a story of why webmasters such as you have on Dimensions have to be hardline about underage participants; its about how big girls of any age need to be on-guard against getting royally screwed by guys who may be FAs but have the moral integrity of an alley cat; and lastly its about what happened to me!
I have a now ex-fiancé whose name is Kyle. Hes an ex because he couldnt be happy with just one woman and (I now know) lied to us both. If I werent letting the loneliness of being a manless fat girl cloud my vision I would have dumped him long before. Hopefully my story will help other fat teens.
Kyle and I were friends online for a good two years before we even 'hooked up', I was underage, in high school, weighing something over 250 and lonely. During those two years he had a little ray of sunshine in his life named Amanda, who we talked about all the time. Kyle constantly complained about her; every other month they broke up and he always raved about me and how he wished me and him could be something.
I had fallen in love with him from practically day one; being my first FA crush, he told me all the things I wanted to hear, and inexperienced little me pliably believed him. His girlfriend at the time, he said, wasn't exactly his preferred woman; she was about 5'7" and like only 200, I don't know... she was just chubby. He always told me I had an awesome body and any man who ended up with me was very lucky.
Of course I had always hinted how much I liked him; we had kinky phone conversations, and even got naughty on webcam... but to this day I cant get it through my skull why I didnt see the obvious: why he didnt just leave Amanda if -I- was so great and she was such a pain. Keep in mind that my and Kyle's friendship was over the phone/internet at the time. Anyway, enough of my sappy discussion of how much I wanted to be with him.
During the two years of our on-line friendship and before we met in person, I had my fair share of relationships. I dated a guy (my first FA boyfriend...) from the internet (lived an hour from me) and told me on-line he was like 5'11" and I'm 5'9.5." So tell me why he shows up on our first date and he's 5'7", Awkward. But being over 250 you overlook the lie and be nice? Right? Well, I was. But after awhile he dumped me over arguing over a video game and how it was unfair of me to use a walkthrough to get past a certain level. What a crock!
I dated another FA I met on the internet, and he ended up getting so obsessed with me he proposed to me like the first month after we met in person. I was so freaked out I didn't know what to do, and I don't know how to let people down. So, I kind of said I'll think about it... later on he asked if he could move in with me ... this was during my senior year of High School, November 2005. I tried to put him off but he persisted. At a point where my mom was incoherent because she was drunk 24/7, this boyfriend convinces her that he had nowhere else to go and she let him stay.
Well, it was weird beyond belief. He tortured me and did all the force feeding stuff, and I was so scared and I couldn't do a thing about it. Eventually he went to go visit his parents and I mailed all his stuff back to him. He definitely was a giant crock.
Almost right after that, I was pretty much mentally cracked in the head. I started kind of being a "slut", and I was seeing a lot of guys, any guys, it didnt matter who. My mom is usually out of it and didnt know or care. I eventually started dating manager on my job, no... actually it was like, he only wanted to kiss me behind closed doors and he said we could only be together if we acted like we hated each other in front of other people. I just thought that was because I was an employee and he was a manager.
Eventually my mind sobered up and I was like... No, it's because I'm now 280lbs and I don't look like the typical woman he's dated before. I mean, this guy was hot as hades, but no matter how good looking he was, I figure if he couldnt be seen with me in public, he was a crock too. (Actually I was already over 300, but I didnt know that at the time.)
After that, I decided that I was never going to find someone right for me, I knew I was young and I had a lot of years ahead of me, but my heart was like missing something, and I constantly thought about Kyle. We talked every single night on-line. We never ever had an argument, we agreed on everything and even if we didn't like the same kind of music, or sports or whatever, we could still have an hour long conversation about it. He never bored me, I kept telling myself I loved him, I LOVE HIM. We eventually made plans to meet after my 18th birthday...
My anticipation mounted. I was actually going to meet Kyle. I couldn't sleep for a whole month because I was so excited. I knew we weren't going to kiss or go on dates or anything because he already had Amanda. We were just going to be two best friends talking and watching war movies and playing video games and wrestling...
When he drove out to see me, I was so excited. My mom was even excited; she knew how much I had liked him and she told me that she had never heard me laugh so much, or ever be so happy in my life - just from talking to him on the phone. I had to work the day he drove out to see me, but he got there right when I was getting off. The whole day I had butterflies and I even spilled a drink on a customer.
When he came in through that door, my heart just melted and my knees went weak from beneath my by then 340lb body, and he gave me the best hug in the world and said "Hey, you!"
He always said that and I just started crying, happy tears of course. We got in his car and we were on our way to my house, I was smiling the whole time and so was he. My whole body was shaking from within, I was sitting next to the guy I really had loved for 2 years! It felt unreal...
That was the best weekend of my life. The first night we ate at Golden Corral, saw Pirates (the 2nd one), came back to my house, and we kissed. It was like... PERFECT. I had never been kissed like that in my life. I was shaking, crying and I kept apologizing... He had a girlfriend, and I knew it, but it seemed so right. After all, he had come to me.
We kept kissing, for hours and he told me that he loved me. "I love you, and I mean it. I really love you."
I so badly wanted to hear that. The whole weekend I felt like we were a couple, we went to the mall and he held my hand... and he kissed me on the cheek and we went on a couple dates even. Okay, not really dates... Taco Bell is just awesome, and eating it with him felt like heaven.
When it was time for him to go home, I had never been so sad in my life. I knew we weren't together... I knew he would go back... and kiss his girlfriend.
But he had told me he loved me, and that told me everything (I thought)!
A week later, he told me he broke up with Amanda. I felt horrible about Amanda but I was so happy! He said he wanted to be with me, and it only felt right. I was so in love with him, the only thing in our way was an ex-girlfriend, who had just had her heart broken.
And that is when the cycle of betrayal and excuses began. Is it possible for a women to give a man several second chances? I did, like a fool. Why is it that I could be so stupid not to see it earlier? WHY did I give him so many second chances?
1. The first two weeks me and Kyle were officially together, he came out to visit me just for the night. Yeah, yeah, it was almost like a booty-call but no, we just laid with each other and I felt so great cause that was the first time I had seen him since two weeks before that. We were sleeping, and his phone had informed him he got a text. Well I flipped it open because I thought it was his mom or something I thought it was important. It was Amanda.
"I miss your touch."
I was like... what? He broke up with her. WHY is she texting him that? I told him about it and he just told me that she was just can't get over him and just to ignore it. My dumb ass was so in love at the time that I just believed him and shook it off.
2. It's a month and a half into our relationship and we having a nice Sweetest Day by the lake... I heard his pants vibrate a few times, and just figured it was his mom, again, just calling and checking up. I kept hearing it, and I eventually just asked him to check who was calling. He looked quickly and shut the phone.
I questioned him and he quickly said "It was nobody."
I'm like "Nobody?"
I'm joking around at this point, and I snatch it from his hand, and I'm like "It's probably Amanda, haha."
And I open the phone and... IT IS. My smile quickly faded. I instantly got her phone number and called her on my cell.
She answered and sounded confused. "Who is this?"
I said "It's Jessica."
Amanda replied "Oh hey, Jessi, how are you."
Me "No, not Kyle's sister Jessica, Kyle's GIRLFRIEND Jessica."
Amanda went silent for a minute... the whole time Kyle is trying to yank the phone from my hand. I told Kyle it must be important if she keeps trying to call you, I only wanted to find out.
Amanda finally spoke "Kyle's girlfriend?"
"Yeah... he's been dating me for over a month now."
"And where is he?!" Amanda started getting furious.
I said. "He's in Ohio, with me."
She continued to raise her voice I could tell she was crying... I started to feel concerned.
"But, Kyle is with me." said Amanda.
I went silent. Dropped the phone. I started screaming at Kyle, NO ONE, I mean NO ONE is going to play with my emotions like that.
He told me he broke it off with her! He eventually calmed me down, and my dumb ass went back to him, but only after he told Amanda it was over on the phone while I stood there listening too...and then I believed him.
3. The next month, November, I went to visit his hometown. Chicago. He was still going to school (college) and of course he had a class with Amanda. She didn't drive, so when I was visiting, he went to pick her up. I soo didn't want to see her... but I was nice about it and actually I was really friendly with her.
When I asked Kyle if I could use his phone, mind didn't get service out there, Amanda got spastic and instantly accused me of talking about her behind her back.
I was like... excuse me? I was actually going to text my MOTHER.
She wrote me a letter the next day saying how she was a good girlfriend to Kyle and blah, blah, blah all this stupid nonsense.
KYLE told me to be nice to her. WHAT? ME? I'm supposed to be nice to her? I didn't say a word to her, she jumped on my back the night before for using Kyle's cell phone to text my own Mother.
I was staying in a hotel the entire time when I was there (for 2 weeks). One night Kyle claimed he stayed late over for class... and it was a Monday, so it was the class he had with Amanda. She later texted his cell phone about how much fun she had last Monday.
GREAT. Now I was mad again. So Kyle smoothed talked his way out of this one and told me they were just studying... I was so in love, MY DUMB ASS BELIEVED HIM.
Wow, this is getting really drawn out... it's my story and if you're actually reading it thank you.
4. Around Christmas time, I was feeling really paranoid about Amanda and Kyle. He was 300 miles away from me and she was only 5 miles from him. Okay, I'm a sneaky bitch, but when my heart is on the line I will do anything to protect myself. And whenever I get bad feelings, I'm usually right...
So, I knew his access codes and hacked into Kyle's e-mail. And low and behold... e-mails from AMANDA. Yaaaay! </endsarcasm>
I won't get into much detail, because I will start crying. I don't know if I will start to cry because of how painful it felt to read them... or how stupid I feel now for not leaving him then. Basically the e-mail said things along the lines of: How much longer are you going to be with her? Don't kiss her too much, save your kisses for me. I'm a better kisser anyway. Don't kiss her under the mistletoe, you promised me... BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.
I called Kyle about it after I printed out the e-mail, so I had HARD evidence. I read it to him and he called ME a liar.
I was like... WHAT?! I'm reading it to you right now! He accused ME of writing it... even though there were things in the e-mail that I would have NO IDEA about.
I told him it was over, and he called me back 20 minutes later saying he took a whole bottle of pills. I'm like WHAT? He said he was going to kill himself because I didn't believe him that him and Amanda weren't seeing each other still. So after all that drama was over...
Yes, I went back to him. Dumb ass...
So, we smoothed out our relationship... things got really dandy. He even asked me to marry him on New Years.
I was like YES! I loved him, no matter how many mistakes he made. That was the past, and that's what starting over was for right? But we also agreed on that if he talked to Amanda again, I would leave him. Cause I will not have my heart toyed with again.
Kyle and I made plans to move in with each other. So in March we moved in with each other. Aaaand, I moved to Chicago. 300 miles away from my home, my family, my friends. My family was happy for me, but they were also sad. My mom bought me all my furniture and all that fun girl stuff girls get when they get their first place.
For me it wasnt so happy, after all. I became depressed as I stayed in this place. I missed my family. I missed everything back home... Me and Kyle fought all the time - even over stupid stuff. Money issues mostly, and me just being depressed didn't help.
Then, just a few weeks ago...I saw that he had been talking to Amanda, it was on his dial-out list on his phone. I quickly shut the phone before he came back to the car, and I pretended like nothing happened. Hours later, I looked at his phone again, and he had deleted the dial-out list. Hmn...
At this point, I'm numb. I can't even say if I'm in love with Kyle anymore...
I confronted him about the call-log.
Since he deleted it, he called me a liar. I got so mad, because I KNOW what I saw.
He continued to say I was a liar. I then told him, again, it was over between us.
History repeats itself, he tried to kill himself. He tried to jump off the balcony! That was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through in my life... I used all my strength to pull him back up, and he almost pulled me 7 stories down with him... I eventually, almost ripping his shirt, pulled him back into the apartment and calmed him down...
I realized we hadn't been straight since the start ... Hed been playing me the whole time. I felt like ours was one of these crazy relationships you see on the daytime talk shows.
So, after all this time of him calling me the liar and him making me feel bad every time I try to break up with him... I figured I would get the straight truth from Amanda herself.
Thats not so crazy as you may think. After all, Amanda can be pretty cool, cause she tells the truth. Hed been playing us both, telling us each it was over with the other. We compared notes and she became angry like me. I dont know what shell do now, but my relationship with Kyle is now a crock as well.
I now understand why the people who make laws make a division between adults and minors. Younger people may have the hormones, emotions and brains of adults, but wisdom takes the experience of years. My mom is a mess in her own right and that was no help. But just like I dont belong in a bar till Im 21, I didnt belong in relationships like I was so young either.
Im lucky in one sense. I didnt have a baby with any of these jerks. But Im damaged goods inside emotionally nevertheless. There are good FAs out there. Ive been on enough websites to know that there are women happily married to faithful men who love them. Maybe Ill find one someday. But it would have been better if Id waited.
I know there are others many others like me across this country. Our stories differ in detail but the theme is the same: too early, too headstrong, and were suffering as a result. Hopefully my venting here will help prevent a few from following in our steps.
Janes No Love Story A Warning
By BigCutieJae
(Originally posted to Curvage.com, adaptation by permission)
By BigCutieJae
(Originally posted to Curvage.com, adaptation by permission)
[Editors note: Sometimes people wonder why Dimensions seems so uppity about excluding those underage 18 the following is adapted, but only slightly, from a real post by a real person on another site to illustrate the reasons why. The names are presumed to have been changed to protect the guilty.]
This is no love story. Its a story of why webmasters such as you have on Dimensions have to be hardline about underage participants; its about how big girls of any age need to be on-guard against getting royally screwed by guys who may be FAs but have the moral integrity of an alley cat; and lastly its about what happened to me!
I have a now ex-fiancé whose name is Kyle. Hes an ex because he couldnt be happy with just one woman and (I now know) lied to us both. If I werent letting the loneliness of being a manless fat girl cloud my vision I would have dumped him long before. Hopefully my story will help other fat teens.
Kyle and I were friends online for a good two years before we even 'hooked up', I was underage, in high school, weighing something over 250 and lonely. During those two years he had a little ray of sunshine in his life named Amanda, who we talked about all the time. Kyle constantly complained about her; every other month they broke up and he always raved about me and how he wished me and him could be something.
I had fallen in love with him from practically day one; being my first FA crush, he told me all the things I wanted to hear, and inexperienced little me pliably believed him. His girlfriend at the time, he said, wasn't exactly his preferred woman; she was about 5'7" and like only 200, I don't know... she was just chubby. He always told me I had an awesome body and any man who ended up with me was very lucky.
Of course I had always hinted how much I liked him; we had kinky phone conversations, and even got naughty on webcam... but to this day I cant get it through my skull why I didnt see the obvious: why he didnt just leave Amanda if -I- was so great and she was such a pain. Keep in mind that my and Kyle's friendship was over the phone/internet at the time. Anyway, enough of my sappy discussion of how much I wanted to be with him.
During the two years of our on-line friendship and before we met in person, I had my fair share of relationships. I dated a guy (my first FA boyfriend...) from the internet (lived an hour from me) and told me on-line he was like 5'11" and I'm 5'9.5." So tell me why he shows up on our first date and he's 5'7", Awkward. But being over 250 you overlook the lie and be nice? Right? Well, I was. But after awhile he dumped me over arguing over a video game and how it was unfair of me to use a walkthrough to get past a certain level. What a crock!
I dated another FA I met on the internet, and he ended up getting so obsessed with me he proposed to me like the first month after we met in person. I was so freaked out I didn't know what to do, and I don't know how to let people down. So, I kind of said I'll think about it... later on he asked if he could move in with me ... this was during my senior year of High School, November 2005. I tried to put him off but he persisted. At a point where my mom was incoherent because she was drunk 24/7, this boyfriend convinces her that he had nowhere else to go and she let him stay.
Well, it was weird beyond belief. He tortured me and did all the force feeding stuff, and I was so scared and I couldn't do a thing about it. Eventually he went to go visit his parents and I mailed all his stuff back to him. He definitely was a giant crock.
Almost right after that, I was pretty much mentally cracked in the head. I started kind of being a "slut", and I was seeing a lot of guys, any guys, it didnt matter who. My mom is usually out of it and didnt know or care. I eventually started dating manager on my job, no... actually it was like, he only wanted to kiss me behind closed doors and he said we could only be together if we acted like we hated each other in front of other people. I just thought that was because I was an employee and he was a manager.
Eventually my mind sobered up and I was like... No, it's because I'm now 280lbs and I don't look like the typical woman he's dated before. I mean, this guy was hot as hades, but no matter how good looking he was, I figure if he couldnt be seen with me in public, he was a crock too. (Actually I was already over 300, but I didnt know that at the time.)
After that, I decided that I was never going to find someone right for me, I knew I was young and I had a lot of years ahead of me, but my heart was like missing something, and I constantly thought about Kyle. We talked every single night on-line. We never ever had an argument, we agreed on everything and even if we didn't like the same kind of music, or sports or whatever, we could still have an hour long conversation about it. He never bored me, I kept telling myself I loved him, I LOVE HIM. We eventually made plans to meet after my 18th birthday...
My anticipation mounted. I was actually going to meet Kyle. I couldn't sleep for a whole month because I was so excited. I knew we weren't going to kiss or go on dates or anything because he already had Amanda. We were just going to be two best friends talking and watching war movies and playing video games and wrestling...
When he drove out to see me, I was so excited. My mom was even excited; she knew how much I had liked him and she told me that she had never heard me laugh so much, or ever be so happy in my life - just from talking to him on the phone. I had to work the day he drove out to see me, but he got there right when I was getting off. The whole day I had butterflies and I even spilled a drink on a customer.
When he came in through that door, my heart just melted and my knees went weak from beneath my by then 340lb body, and he gave me the best hug in the world and said "Hey, you!"
He always said that and I just started crying, happy tears of course. We got in his car and we were on our way to my house, I was smiling the whole time and so was he. My whole body was shaking from within, I was sitting next to the guy I really had loved for 2 years! It felt unreal...
That was the best weekend of my life. The first night we ate at Golden Corral, saw Pirates (the 2nd one), came back to my house, and we kissed. It was like... PERFECT. I had never been kissed like that in my life. I was shaking, crying and I kept apologizing... He had a girlfriend, and I knew it, but it seemed so right. After all, he had come to me.
We kept kissing, for hours and he told me that he loved me. "I love you, and I mean it. I really love you."
I so badly wanted to hear that. The whole weekend I felt like we were a couple, we went to the mall and he held my hand... and he kissed me on the cheek and we went on a couple dates even. Okay, not really dates... Taco Bell is just awesome, and eating it with him felt like heaven.
When it was time for him to go home, I had never been so sad in my life. I knew we weren't together... I knew he would go back... and kiss his girlfriend.
But he had told me he loved me, and that told me everything (I thought)!
A week later, he told me he broke up with Amanda. I felt horrible about Amanda but I was so happy! He said he wanted to be with me, and it only felt right. I was so in love with him, the only thing in our way was an ex-girlfriend, who had just had her heart broken.
And that is when the cycle of betrayal and excuses began. Is it possible for a women to give a man several second chances? I did, like a fool. Why is it that I could be so stupid not to see it earlier? WHY did I give him so many second chances?
1. The first two weeks me and Kyle were officially together, he came out to visit me just for the night. Yeah, yeah, it was almost like a booty-call but no, we just laid with each other and I felt so great cause that was the first time I had seen him since two weeks before that. We were sleeping, and his phone had informed him he got a text. Well I flipped it open because I thought it was his mom or something I thought it was important. It was Amanda.
"I miss your touch."
I was like... what? He broke up with her. WHY is she texting him that? I told him about it and he just told me that she was just can't get over him and just to ignore it. My dumb ass was so in love at the time that I just believed him and shook it off.
2. It's a month and a half into our relationship and we having a nice Sweetest Day by the lake... I heard his pants vibrate a few times, and just figured it was his mom, again, just calling and checking up. I kept hearing it, and I eventually just asked him to check who was calling. He looked quickly and shut the phone.
I questioned him and he quickly said "It was nobody."
I'm like "Nobody?"
I'm joking around at this point, and I snatch it from his hand, and I'm like "It's probably Amanda, haha."
And I open the phone and... IT IS. My smile quickly faded. I instantly got her phone number and called her on my cell.
She answered and sounded confused. "Who is this?"
I said "It's Jessica."
Amanda replied "Oh hey, Jessi, how are you."
Me "No, not Kyle's sister Jessica, Kyle's GIRLFRIEND Jessica."
Amanda went silent for a minute... the whole time Kyle is trying to yank the phone from my hand. I told Kyle it must be important if she keeps trying to call you, I only wanted to find out.
Amanda finally spoke "Kyle's girlfriend?"
"Yeah... he's been dating me for over a month now."
"And where is he?!" Amanda started getting furious.
I said. "He's in Ohio, with me."
She continued to raise her voice I could tell she was crying... I started to feel concerned.
"But, Kyle is with me." said Amanda.
I went silent. Dropped the phone. I started screaming at Kyle, NO ONE, I mean NO ONE is going to play with my emotions like that.
He told me he broke it off with her! He eventually calmed me down, and my dumb ass went back to him, but only after he told Amanda it was over on the phone while I stood there listening too...and then I believed him.
3. The next month, November, I went to visit his hometown. Chicago. He was still going to school (college) and of course he had a class with Amanda. She didn't drive, so when I was visiting, he went to pick her up. I soo didn't want to see her... but I was nice about it and actually I was really friendly with her.
When I asked Kyle if I could use his phone, mind didn't get service out there, Amanda got spastic and instantly accused me of talking about her behind her back.
I was like... excuse me? I was actually going to text my MOTHER.
She wrote me a letter the next day saying how she was a good girlfriend to Kyle and blah, blah, blah all this stupid nonsense.
KYLE told me to be nice to her. WHAT? ME? I'm supposed to be nice to her? I didn't say a word to her, she jumped on my back the night before for using Kyle's cell phone to text my own Mother.
I was staying in a hotel the entire time when I was there (for 2 weeks). One night Kyle claimed he stayed late over for class... and it was a Monday, so it was the class he had with Amanda. She later texted his cell phone about how much fun she had last Monday.
GREAT. Now I was mad again. So Kyle smoothed talked his way out of this one and told me they were just studying... I was so in love, MY DUMB ASS BELIEVED HIM.
Wow, this is getting really drawn out... it's my story and if you're actually reading it thank you.
4. Around Christmas time, I was feeling really paranoid about Amanda and Kyle. He was 300 miles away from me and she was only 5 miles from him. Okay, I'm a sneaky bitch, but when my heart is on the line I will do anything to protect myself. And whenever I get bad feelings, I'm usually right...
So, I knew his access codes and hacked into Kyle's e-mail. And low and behold... e-mails from AMANDA. Yaaaay! </endsarcasm>
I won't get into much detail, because I will start crying. I don't know if I will start to cry because of how painful it felt to read them... or how stupid I feel now for not leaving him then. Basically the e-mail said things along the lines of: How much longer are you going to be with her? Don't kiss her too much, save your kisses for me. I'm a better kisser anyway. Don't kiss her under the mistletoe, you promised me... BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.
I called Kyle about it after I printed out the e-mail, so I had HARD evidence. I read it to him and he called ME a liar.
I was like... WHAT?! I'm reading it to you right now! He accused ME of writing it... even though there were things in the e-mail that I would have NO IDEA about.
I told him it was over, and he called me back 20 minutes later saying he took a whole bottle of pills. I'm like WHAT? He said he was going to kill himself because I didn't believe him that him and Amanda weren't seeing each other still. So after all that drama was over...
Yes, I went back to him. Dumb ass...
So, we smoothed out our relationship... things got really dandy. He even asked me to marry him on New Years.
I was like YES! I loved him, no matter how many mistakes he made. That was the past, and that's what starting over was for right? But we also agreed on that if he talked to Amanda again, I would leave him. Cause I will not have my heart toyed with again.
Kyle and I made plans to move in with each other. So in March we moved in with each other. Aaaand, I moved to Chicago. 300 miles away from my home, my family, my friends. My family was happy for me, but they were also sad. My mom bought me all my furniture and all that fun girl stuff girls get when they get their first place.
For me it wasnt so happy, after all. I became depressed as I stayed in this place. I missed my family. I missed everything back home... Me and Kyle fought all the time - even over stupid stuff. Money issues mostly, and me just being depressed didn't help.
Then, just a few weeks ago...I saw that he had been talking to Amanda, it was on his dial-out list on his phone. I quickly shut the phone before he came back to the car, and I pretended like nothing happened. Hours later, I looked at his phone again, and he had deleted the dial-out list. Hmn...
At this point, I'm numb. I can't even say if I'm in love with Kyle anymore...
I confronted him about the call-log.
Since he deleted it, he called me a liar. I got so mad, because I KNOW what I saw.
He continued to say I was a liar. I then told him, again, it was over between us.
History repeats itself, he tried to kill himself. He tried to jump off the balcony! That was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through in my life... I used all my strength to pull him back up, and he almost pulled me 7 stories down with him... I eventually, almost ripping his shirt, pulled him back into the apartment and calmed him down...
I realized we hadn't been straight since the start ... Hed been playing me the whole time. I felt like ours was one of these crazy relationships you see on the daytime talk shows.
So, after all this time of him calling me the liar and him making me feel bad every time I try to break up with him... I figured I would get the straight truth from Amanda herself.
Thats not so crazy as you may think. After all, Amanda can be pretty cool, cause she tells the truth. Hed been playing us both, telling us each it was over with the other. We compared notes and she became angry like me. I dont know what shell do now, but my relationship with Kyle is now a crock as well.
I now understand why the people who make laws make a division between adults and minors. Younger people may have the hormones, emotions and brains of adults, but wisdom takes the experience of years. My mom is a mess in her own right and that was no help. But just like I dont belong in a bar till Im 21, I didnt belong in relationships like I was so young either.
Im lucky in one sense. I didnt have a baby with any of these jerks. But Im damaged goods inside emotionally nevertheless. There are good FAs out there. Ive been on enough websites to know that there are women happily married to faithful men who love them. Maybe Ill find one someday. But it would have been better if Id waited.
I know there are others many others like me across this country. Our stories differ in detail but the theme is the same: too early, too headstrong, and were suffering as a result. Hopefully my venting here will help prevent a few from following in our steps.
