Blondeegrldd
Well-Known Member
Since the last thread I've started - "Why I love being a big girl" - I've discovered the sucky side of being my size (currently at my heaviest ever: appr. 250 lbs 5"6).
Last weekend I was at Busch Gardens with friends and also my brother and his family. I love roller coasters to death. I live to ride them over and over.
For one ride, Apollo's Chariot, there was a sample seat outside with a sign explaining that it can be used to determine if someone is either too short or too large to ride. My 7 year old nephew sat in and lowered the bar and found he was just tall enough. I turned to my sister-in-law (who had gastric bypass in 2004 and has kept off over 120 lbs) and commented, "It's gotta be rough if someone is too large to fit in the seat." Snotty comment, I realize. I don't know what got into me.
Anyhow, 20 minutes later we are boarding the roller coaster, and.... I couldn't fit in the seat. My hips, my thighs, my butt.... all too big. It couldn't have even passed as a tight squeeze. There was no way around it, the bar wouldn't click. It was humiliating. I held back the tears as I put on a brave face and joked with everyone that I couldn't get my butt in the seat so I would have to wait for them outside.
Maybe it was the Gods Of Theme Park Karma coming to kick me in the ass for making that comment outside the ride, because I didn't even consider that I might need to check if I could fit in the seat. Something inside me changed since then. I feel disgusted with myself. I always told myself that I can live a normal life even if I am bigger than the average 22 year old..... but I can't anymore. I had to see the confusion/disappointment in my nephew's eyes (who dubbed me his roller-coaster buddy) as I slinked away shamefully. I couldn't do what I looked forward to most. And then I started noticing how much harder it was to keep up with everyone, and that my feet were killing me at the end of the day, and how I couldn't wait to eat my next meal because that was the main thing on my mind.
It made me think back to all the little comments I get in my daily life. And, to add the icing on the cake, a few days later in Norfolk airport the woman at the ticketing counter looked at my driver's license (age 16 in the picture) and actually said, "You look better in this picture.... you've gained a lot of weight since then." I can say these type of comments don't affect me, but that would be a lie. It really freakin' hurts. The nasty attitude I gave her in response to what she said could not take away the sting.
It's hard to feel sexy now. That day at Busch Gardens was my epiphany, because it took something like that as a wake up call. By no means do I want to be thin, but I want to be thinner. I want to have a life and not get tired too quickly. I want to be able to see relatives after a long period and not wonder what they will think of me when they see that I've put on weight.
I may not get a warm response from this, or any response at all. But I needed to get this off my shoulders. Hopefully you will all understand. This board is about size acceptance, and I accept who I am. I love myself enough to know when I've gone too far with my body.
To be continued...
Last weekend I was at Busch Gardens with friends and also my brother and his family. I love roller coasters to death. I live to ride them over and over.
For one ride, Apollo's Chariot, there was a sample seat outside with a sign explaining that it can be used to determine if someone is either too short or too large to ride. My 7 year old nephew sat in and lowered the bar and found he was just tall enough. I turned to my sister-in-law (who had gastric bypass in 2004 and has kept off over 120 lbs) and commented, "It's gotta be rough if someone is too large to fit in the seat." Snotty comment, I realize. I don't know what got into me.
Anyhow, 20 minutes later we are boarding the roller coaster, and.... I couldn't fit in the seat. My hips, my thighs, my butt.... all too big. It couldn't have even passed as a tight squeeze. There was no way around it, the bar wouldn't click. It was humiliating. I held back the tears as I put on a brave face and joked with everyone that I couldn't get my butt in the seat so I would have to wait for them outside.
Maybe it was the Gods Of Theme Park Karma coming to kick me in the ass for making that comment outside the ride, because I didn't even consider that I might need to check if I could fit in the seat. Something inside me changed since then. I feel disgusted with myself. I always told myself that I can live a normal life even if I am bigger than the average 22 year old..... but I can't anymore. I had to see the confusion/disappointment in my nephew's eyes (who dubbed me his roller-coaster buddy) as I slinked away shamefully. I couldn't do what I looked forward to most. And then I started noticing how much harder it was to keep up with everyone, and that my feet were killing me at the end of the day, and how I couldn't wait to eat my next meal because that was the main thing on my mind.
It made me think back to all the little comments I get in my daily life. And, to add the icing on the cake, a few days later in Norfolk airport the woman at the ticketing counter looked at my driver's license (age 16 in the picture) and actually said, "You look better in this picture.... you've gained a lot of weight since then." I can say these type of comments don't affect me, but that would be a lie. It really freakin' hurts. The nasty attitude I gave her in response to what she said could not take away the sting.
It's hard to feel sexy now. That day at Busch Gardens was my epiphany, because it took something like that as a wake up call. By no means do I want to be thin, but I want to be thinner. I want to have a life and not get tired too quickly. I want to be able to see relatives after a long period and not wonder what they will think of me when they see that I've put on weight.
I may not get a warm response from this, or any response at all. But I needed to get this off my shoulders. Hopefully you will all understand. This board is about size acceptance, and I accept who I am. I love myself enough to know when I've gone too far with my body.
To be continued...
