I'm sure there has been a thread about this before, but I can't find it. So, post stuff that made you LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL, etc. whatever....
Here's mine to start....I was looking at Craigslist (for laughs) and I came across this personal ad. It is a true Orange County gem.
Tan hot little beach babe who doesn't need this shit - 23 (OC)
First off, you need to be really fucking hot and awesome. None of this "maybe if I take a picture of myself with a shitty camera that hides my acne in a dark mirror with toothpaste upside down looking away from the camera with my hair in my face" bullshit. I want you to stare into the camera like you're about to fuck it because you're so hot and you know it. You should be ridiculously attractive, short, toned, and tan - yes I will check your tanlines because that's hot.
I don't care about your breasts or your ass as long as their not deformed. Your face and hair is actually what I'm all about. Guys should hit on you everyday but you tell them off because they're lame with their unoriginal lines. Bitch you're not an angel from heaven, you're a bad little girl that's probably going to hell because of all the naughty things you do with your college girlfriends. Oh well, good thing you don't believe in that crap anyways.
Second, and even more importantly, you have to be really super fun and playful. And funny, with a good sense of humor that "get's it". I'm going to make you laugh like a little nervous school girl, and when you can breathe, you better not be a boring bitch that talks about your daddy's benz unless it's about the amazing roadhead you're going to give me in it while I drive it against daddy's wishes.
Speaking of which, there's going to be copious amounts of sex. In fact, everything is sex. I will look at you, and it'll be sex. I will drink a fucking glass of water, and you'll get turned on just by watching me. I will smell your delicious perfume and want to ravish you against my wall. You'll get wet just hearing me talk. Everything will be sex, and it will be amazing and you'll love it. Sex on the beach? No, sex in the fucking ocean riding on dolphins while in a mother fucking boat with a built-in aquarium in the Caribbean at 3am under a full moon. See, even the boring sex sounds good.
You'll probably be a bitch and tell me what to do because you're so used to these pussy guys that you can walk over. Sorry, but I'm going to fucking put you in your place and spank you when you're out of line. But it's okay, because I care about you enough to not get away with that shit and you thank me for it. Even when I pretend to be flustered it's just to make sure you're not crazy.
You have to love your dad too. It's pretty much a rule, so if you got daddy issues, stay the fuck away. Oh, don't be a puppy kicker either, that's just fucked up. But if a rabid dog does come to eat you, I will not hesitate to puppy punt that fucker with my rainbow sandals to save your cute little ass. Ok, so maybe I do care if you have a nice ass.
I know you have a lot of options and don't need me, good. That neediness is annoying, but respect me and my time - blow me off and you're gone - I respect others and expect the same. I'll call you whenever I want: once a week, 4 times in a day, with a text.. who knows, I'll keep you on your feet. But that feeling of curiosity and excitement might just make you crave me, so you might as well just surrender now so we can just get to the beach adventures and sex faster without all the pretense and bullshit.
Right, so the beach. It's not everything, but I live pretty close, so you'll have to come over in that fucking cute bikini with all your hot girlfriends and join me. We'll go down, and laugh at all the pathetic attempts other guys try to hit on you - haha I love that shit.
Oh, and we'll have to do 3 normal things before I take you to the really epic shit. I'm an excellent judge of character, and even though I have to be super blunt in this, am a really amazing guy, and expect the same from you. So message me now with your facebook or whatever else you want so I know you're not a crazy bitch and I'll see about getting back to you.
PS. If you're just here for funsies to laugh at all the pathetic posts, do me a favor and tell your cute girlfriends I want to talk to them, because it's summer and I know they're single and want to get laid.
Here's mine to start....I was looking at Craigslist (for laughs) and I came across this personal ad. It is a true Orange County gem.
Tan hot little beach babe who doesn't need this shit - 23 (OC)
First off, you need to be really fucking hot and awesome. None of this "maybe if I take a picture of myself with a shitty camera that hides my acne in a dark mirror with toothpaste upside down looking away from the camera with my hair in my face" bullshit. I want you to stare into the camera like you're about to fuck it because you're so hot and you know it. You should be ridiculously attractive, short, toned, and tan - yes I will check your tanlines because that's hot.
I don't care about your breasts or your ass as long as their not deformed. Your face and hair is actually what I'm all about. Guys should hit on you everyday but you tell them off because they're lame with their unoriginal lines. Bitch you're not an angel from heaven, you're a bad little girl that's probably going to hell because of all the naughty things you do with your college girlfriends. Oh well, good thing you don't believe in that crap anyways.
Second, and even more importantly, you have to be really super fun and playful. And funny, with a good sense of humor that "get's it". I'm going to make you laugh like a little nervous school girl, and when you can breathe, you better not be a boring bitch that talks about your daddy's benz unless it's about the amazing roadhead you're going to give me in it while I drive it against daddy's wishes.
Speaking of which, there's going to be copious amounts of sex. In fact, everything is sex. I will look at you, and it'll be sex. I will drink a fucking glass of water, and you'll get turned on just by watching me. I will smell your delicious perfume and want to ravish you against my wall. You'll get wet just hearing me talk. Everything will be sex, and it will be amazing and you'll love it. Sex on the beach? No, sex in the fucking ocean riding on dolphins while in a mother fucking boat with a built-in aquarium in the Caribbean at 3am under a full moon. See, even the boring sex sounds good.
You'll probably be a bitch and tell me what to do because you're so used to these pussy guys that you can walk over. Sorry, but I'm going to fucking put you in your place and spank you when you're out of line. But it's okay, because I care about you enough to not get away with that shit and you thank me for it. Even when I pretend to be flustered it's just to make sure you're not crazy.
You have to love your dad too. It's pretty much a rule, so if you got daddy issues, stay the fuck away. Oh, don't be a puppy kicker either, that's just fucked up. But if a rabid dog does come to eat you, I will not hesitate to puppy punt that fucker with my rainbow sandals to save your cute little ass. Ok, so maybe I do care if you have a nice ass.
I know you have a lot of options and don't need me, good. That neediness is annoying, but respect me and my time - blow me off and you're gone - I respect others and expect the same. I'll call you whenever I want: once a week, 4 times in a day, with a text.. who knows, I'll keep you on your feet. But that feeling of curiosity and excitement might just make you crave me, so you might as well just surrender now so we can just get to the beach adventures and sex faster without all the pretense and bullshit.
Right, so the beach. It's not everything, but I live pretty close, so you'll have to come over in that fucking cute bikini with all your hot girlfriends and join me. We'll go down, and laugh at all the pathetic attempts other guys try to hit on you - haha I love that shit.
Oh, and we'll have to do 3 normal things before I take you to the really epic shit. I'm an excellent judge of character, and even though I have to be super blunt in this, am a really amazing guy, and expect the same from you. So message me now with your facebook or whatever else you want so I know you're not a crazy bitch and I'll see about getting back to you.
PS. If you're just here for funsies to laugh at all the pathetic posts, do me a favor and tell your cute girlfriends I want to talk to them, because it's summer and I know they're single and want to get laid.
