loopytheone
Well-Known Member
I guess I don't know where else to share this, but I wanted to get it out of my head and talk to people before I go through the process of finding professional help, because I want to be in a place where that help will, well, help.
Background context here; I was diagnosed with autism as an adult, and anxious avoidant personality disorder before that, as a teenager. I have really bad anxiety, enough that it stops me working, and when I was younger, I had really bad depression. Like, I was out of control, a danger to myself and other people. Meds, therapy and effort got me out of that hole, and I've been a lot better as an adult than when I was younger.
The thing is, I'm never what you call 'stable'. As in, my emotions, thoughts and long term mood fluctuate pretty dramatically and for seemingly little reason. When I'm in a good place, I'm able to take care of myself, to take my meds and shower and eat well and keep my flat clean and the like. It's hard, I have chronic fatigue, but I can do it. I always have a lot of self loathing and anger bubbling away below the surface though. When I'm good, I can mostly stay in my logical/reasonable mode and I've done so much therapy/work on being positive and kind to myself and I can do that. But the bouts of self loathing, even then, come out maybe once or twice a day?
When I'm at my worst, I'm... not good. Really bad anxiety, and struggling with things. On the surface, I seem fine. I can entertain myself and talk to my mother/partner and seem normal and stuff. But I struggle to look after myself, to eat and shower and drink, and definitely to keep my flat clean. I go through periods of not being able to cope with world and shutting myself away from everyone and everything aside from those closest to me. I lose interest in my hobbies and I'm tired all the time, and wake up with a feeling of dread that I've got yet another day to get through. Like, at the moment, I spend hours most days at my mum's place so she can make me lunch, and I'm happily chattering away and singing and talking about sports and stuff to her the whole time. But as soon as I'm not distracted, or need to actually do something productive, its like I'm got a ten ton weight on my back. The self loathing and self hatred thoughts come more often, and are harder to deal with, and I have no interest in most of my hobbies. My mum refers to this state as being 'low', but the weird thing is, I feel fine. Like, looking at my behaviour, I'm clearly not fine. But mentally I feel normal, okay. So I can only tell this is happening through looking at how I'm acting.
These 'highs' and 'lows', they happen seemingly at random. And they usually last for at least a few months each time before switching, with no real pattern as to when or why. All I can do in my lows is to get through each day and know that, eventually, suddenly everything will get easier again. But when it is like that, I know it wont last.
I dunno, does this sound familiar to anyone? My mum says it is depression, but I don't feel sad. And there's no trigger for or out of it.
I don't really expect anyone to read this, I just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head, I guess.
Background context here; I was diagnosed with autism as an adult, and anxious avoidant personality disorder before that, as a teenager. I have really bad anxiety, enough that it stops me working, and when I was younger, I had really bad depression. Like, I was out of control, a danger to myself and other people. Meds, therapy and effort got me out of that hole, and I've been a lot better as an adult than when I was younger.
The thing is, I'm never what you call 'stable'. As in, my emotions, thoughts and long term mood fluctuate pretty dramatically and for seemingly little reason. When I'm in a good place, I'm able to take care of myself, to take my meds and shower and eat well and keep my flat clean and the like. It's hard, I have chronic fatigue, but I can do it. I always have a lot of self loathing and anger bubbling away below the surface though. When I'm good, I can mostly stay in my logical/reasonable mode and I've done so much therapy/work on being positive and kind to myself and I can do that. But the bouts of self loathing, even then, come out maybe once or twice a day?
When I'm at my worst, I'm... not good. Really bad anxiety, and struggling with things. On the surface, I seem fine. I can entertain myself and talk to my mother/partner and seem normal and stuff. But I struggle to look after myself, to eat and shower and drink, and definitely to keep my flat clean. I go through periods of not being able to cope with world and shutting myself away from everyone and everything aside from those closest to me. I lose interest in my hobbies and I'm tired all the time, and wake up with a feeling of dread that I've got yet another day to get through. Like, at the moment, I spend hours most days at my mum's place so she can make me lunch, and I'm happily chattering away and singing and talking about sports and stuff to her the whole time. But as soon as I'm not distracted, or need to actually do something productive, its like I'm got a ten ton weight on my back. The self loathing and self hatred thoughts come more often, and are harder to deal with, and I have no interest in most of my hobbies. My mum refers to this state as being 'low', but the weird thing is, I feel fine. Like, looking at my behaviour, I'm clearly not fine. But mentally I feel normal, okay. So I can only tell this is happening through looking at how I'm acting.
These 'highs' and 'lows', they happen seemingly at random. And they usually last for at least a few months each time before switching, with no real pattern as to when or why. All I can do in my lows is to get through each day and know that, eventually, suddenly everything will get easier again. But when it is like that, I know it wont last.
I dunno, does this sound familiar to anyone? My mum says it is depression, but I don't feel sad. And there's no trigger for or out of it.
I don't really expect anyone to read this, I just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head, I guess.
