Single26Female
Well-Known Member
Inspired by but in no way directed toward the recent discussions on the board involving people who are grieving...I need to share this to help myself and maybe help anyone else having a tough time this holiday season.
It's taken me nearly 27 years to realize that grieving doesn't just happen when someone dies. Grief happens everytime we lose something. By denying myself the option of grieving the losses in my life, I made myself miserable. I pushed forward without fully accepting certain situations. I'm still not good at accepting some of those things I need to grieve!
I feel a lot of guilt on most days. I feel guilt for living a nice brick home while my parents live in a falling apart trailer home. I feel guilt for playing with other people's dogs while my own dogs are at my parents' home infested with fleas. I feel guilt for spending $6 on dinner when my uncle is homeless and doesn't have $6 for food.
Instead of grieving over those things and trying to move forward, I internalized all of it and live in absolute paralyzing self-criticism each day. I believe that I'm not deserving of all of these wonderful things I have because others aren't as fortunate. If I would have just grieved them, accepted them for what they were, and tried to refocus on the now...maybe I wouldn't have ulcers at 27 and maybe I would be 100 lbs overweight and maybe I wouldn't get stress migraines or throw up from nerves.
My point is this... I think I've figured out a way to grieve that will work to help most people move forward in a positive way. I know it won't work for everyone but it's worth a shot to try. It's helping me get started. It's helping me deal with the anger and the resentment and the hurt.
To grieve in a positive way, I had to realize that the past is the past. There is not a single damned thing I can change about any of it...especially with the people who are no longer with us. I won't even have a chance at a better future with those who aren't in my life...so how did I move forward? Well, I've chosen to remember the good things...the positive. If I can't change the bad, I can just chose not to make it the focus of my life.
I truly believe that we create our moods. Life sucks for everyone yet there are always those exceptional people who have a warm heart and a smiling face despite their circumstances. Their secret seems to be that they focus on the good. What does reliving the bad do for us? Therapists ask us to talk about what happened when we were 11 that makes us sad...but that just makes us more sad. At least it does for me...
Ok, I'm seriously not sharing just because of the threads below and I hope no one takes it as such. This is a very important topic to me and I know that the holidays are a sentimental time for most people. I wanted to share what's worked for me in hopes that it helps someone else. This time of year is so hard and it breaks my heart to see my family and friends mourning the loss of our loved ones. Hell, I even have professors who broke down in tears in class because they lost a colleague this time last year. Just something about December evokes tears.
Everyone remembers people differently. Catholics light candles. Voodoo priestesses have rituals. Baptists visit graveyards with flowers. This past year, on Halloween, my family and I handed out 500 treat bags to remember my grandmother. We decorated her house with spooky things and all stood and laughed and honored her spirit. It helped. This Christmas, we'll cook dinner in her kitchen. I'm going to try and make her special apple cake. Wish me luck.
I think it's just so important to honor the good things in our past...whether it's failed relationships (I'm struggling sooo much not to HATE my ex and the whore for their cheating, lying asses), financial hits, disappointing performancesin school or work, or whatever! If I spent more time honoring all of the goodness, I'd spend a lot less time stressing and crying over things in the present. Sorry for the rambling, I'm about to cry.
I'm a good listener if anyone ever needs to talk. You guys have been so kind to me (both board people and chat people) and I truly appreciate your kindness. Listening sort of helps me deal with my stuff too... it makes me feel like I have a reason to keep trying...
Ok, sorry for getting sappy (not to mention WORDY). Hope you are all well.
It's taken me nearly 27 years to realize that grieving doesn't just happen when someone dies. Grief happens everytime we lose something. By denying myself the option of grieving the losses in my life, I made myself miserable. I pushed forward without fully accepting certain situations. I'm still not good at accepting some of those things I need to grieve!
I feel a lot of guilt on most days. I feel guilt for living a nice brick home while my parents live in a falling apart trailer home. I feel guilt for playing with other people's dogs while my own dogs are at my parents' home infested with fleas. I feel guilt for spending $6 on dinner when my uncle is homeless and doesn't have $6 for food.
Instead of grieving over those things and trying to move forward, I internalized all of it and live in absolute paralyzing self-criticism each day. I believe that I'm not deserving of all of these wonderful things I have because others aren't as fortunate. If I would have just grieved them, accepted them for what they were, and tried to refocus on the now...maybe I wouldn't have ulcers at 27 and maybe I would be 100 lbs overweight and maybe I wouldn't get stress migraines or throw up from nerves.
My point is this... I think I've figured out a way to grieve that will work to help most people move forward in a positive way. I know it won't work for everyone but it's worth a shot to try. It's helping me get started. It's helping me deal with the anger and the resentment and the hurt.
To grieve in a positive way, I had to realize that the past is the past. There is not a single damned thing I can change about any of it...especially with the people who are no longer with us. I won't even have a chance at a better future with those who aren't in my life...so how did I move forward? Well, I've chosen to remember the good things...the positive. If I can't change the bad, I can just chose not to make it the focus of my life.
I truly believe that we create our moods. Life sucks for everyone yet there are always those exceptional people who have a warm heart and a smiling face despite their circumstances. Their secret seems to be that they focus on the good. What does reliving the bad do for us? Therapists ask us to talk about what happened when we were 11 that makes us sad...but that just makes us more sad. At least it does for me...
Ok, I'm seriously not sharing just because of the threads below and I hope no one takes it as such. This is a very important topic to me and I know that the holidays are a sentimental time for most people. I wanted to share what's worked for me in hopes that it helps someone else. This time of year is so hard and it breaks my heart to see my family and friends mourning the loss of our loved ones. Hell, I even have professors who broke down in tears in class because they lost a colleague this time last year. Just something about December evokes tears.
Everyone remembers people differently. Catholics light candles. Voodoo priestesses have rituals. Baptists visit graveyards with flowers. This past year, on Halloween, my family and I handed out 500 treat bags to remember my grandmother. We decorated her house with spooky things and all stood and laughed and honored her spirit. It helped. This Christmas, we'll cook dinner in her kitchen. I'm going to try and make her special apple cake. Wish me luck.
I think it's just so important to honor the good things in our past...whether it's failed relationships (I'm struggling sooo much not to HATE my ex and the whore for their cheating, lying asses), financial hits, disappointing performancesin school or work, or whatever! If I spent more time honoring all of the goodness, I'd spend a lot less time stressing and crying over things in the present. Sorry for the rambling, I'm about to cry.
I'm a good listener if anyone ever needs to talk. You guys have been so kind to me (both board people and chat people) and I truly appreciate your kindness. Listening sort of helps me deal with my stuff too... it makes me feel like I have a reason to keep trying...
Ok, sorry for getting sappy (not to mention WORDY). Hope you are all well.
