yoopergirl
Honey Badger
Hello all. I just discovered Dimensions last week, and I've been looking around the forums and did the whole registration & intro thing, and I've really appreciated being able to see what other BBWs have to say on situations I've dealt with or wondered about but haven't had anyone to talk things out with. I don't have a lot of close friends, and even with my best friends there are certain things I just can't talk about - especially since no one I know is anywhere near my size About 340 now - around 400 at my biggest) and wouldn't understand.
One of the things I have the biggest issues with is the fact that I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship, and as such, I'm totally "inexperienced" (like, might as well have lived in a bubble inexperienced.) I've never let it get to me too much, figuring it would just kind of happen when it was meant to, but I'm kinda reaching a point now where all of my friends & younger siblings are settling down and have families, and I'm still...here.
So, I've kinda been checking out the online dating sites, and I've met a few nice guys, but most of them are thousands of miles away and the conversations go good for a couple weeks and then I stop hearing from them. Which kinda hurts, but I can cope. There aren't a lot of guys from my area on the sites, or guys I meet IRL who are interested in a girl my size for anything beyond friendship. Through the years I've had a couple of guys get a little flirty, but I blew it off as joking around - after all the insults & such growing up, I guess I don't tend to trust people much.
Anyhow, I did meet a guy through one of the sites who lived about 3 hours away, and after talking online and by phone for a few weeks, I drove up to meet him for a date, with plans to spend the night at my sister-in-laws (about an hour away from his hometown.) I was really excited and slightly nervous, especially since it was my VERY FIRST first date with a non-gay man (Totally other story). After I arrived, we got in my car to go bowling, and within 2 minutes the guy was rubbing my leg and gazing at me, and my stomach was in knots so bad I thought I was going to be sick. I kind of panicked and grabbed his hand & held it through the rest of the ride, for lack of knowing what else to do. He asked a couple times if I was okay, and what was going on, and I told him I was freaking out a little, and needed to breathe a bit (He was aware of my "inexperience" - we'd discussed it before, since I didn't feel like it was fair to spring it on the poor guy in the middle of a date.) The rest of the ride seemed to go okay...until we got to the bowling alley and he tried to pull me in for a kiss, which I pulled away from and told him I wasn't ready for...During the date, we joked around, but I stayed mostly on the other side of the lane..then when we got back in the car, his hand immediately went to my lower thigh/knee area again, and I froze up...I couldn't talk to him or make eye contact at all...we'd planned to watch a movie at his place after bowling, but when he proceeded to try and kiss me again before we got out I broke down in tears, apologized a million times, and left for my sister-in-laws. I bawled pretty much the whole way there, and then again when I told my sister about it the next day (She's the only one I really talk to about any of the dating stuff).
Ugh...sorry for the super-long post, I feel like I'm rambling so much, but I'm utterly confused. I mean, I know this guy was being a jerk, but I'm seriously worried about the fact that, at 28. I was so freaked out over the physical contact. Does this make me some kind of psych job? Am I going to react like this EVERY time a guy tries to kiss me? (Assuming I ever date again.) And what does it say about me that I thought this guy was so great? Am I going to end up falling for jerks just because they tell me I'm beautiful?
So, I know that there are like 50 topics that could be tackled in this post, and I would gladly take advice/comments/lectures on any of it. I'm extremely interested in hearing what others have to say. Thanks in advance.
One of the things I have the biggest issues with is the fact that I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship, and as such, I'm totally "inexperienced" (like, might as well have lived in a bubble inexperienced.) I've never let it get to me too much, figuring it would just kind of happen when it was meant to, but I'm kinda reaching a point now where all of my friends & younger siblings are settling down and have families, and I'm still...here.
So, I've kinda been checking out the online dating sites, and I've met a few nice guys, but most of them are thousands of miles away and the conversations go good for a couple weeks and then I stop hearing from them. Which kinda hurts, but I can cope. There aren't a lot of guys from my area on the sites, or guys I meet IRL who are interested in a girl my size for anything beyond friendship. Through the years I've had a couple of guys get a little flirty, but I blew it off as joking around - after all the insults & such growing up, I guess I don't tend to trust people much.
Anyhow, I did meet a guy through one of the sites who lived about 3 hours away, and after talking online and by phone for a few weeks, I drove up to meet him for a date, with plans to spend the night at my sister-in-laws (about an hour away from his hometown.) I was really excited and slightly nervous, especially since it was my VERY FIRST first date with a non-gay man (Totally other story). After I arrived, we got in my car to go bowling, and within 2 minutes the guy was rubbing my leg and gazing at me, and my stomach was in knots so bad I thought I was going to be sick. I kind of panicked and grabbed his hand & held it through the rest of the ride, for lack of knowing what else to do. He asked a couple times if I was okay, and what was going on, and I told him I was freaking out a little, and needed to breathe a bit (He was aware of my "inexperience" - we'd discussed it before, since I didn't feel like it was fair to spring it on the poor guy in the middle of a date.) The rest of the ride seemed to go okay...until we got to the bowling alley and he tried to pull me in for a kiss, which I pulled away from and told him I wasn't ready for...During the date, we joked around, but I stayed mostly on the other side of the lane..then when we got back in the car, his hand immediately went to my lower thigh/knee area again, and I froze up...I couldn't talk to him or make eye contact at all...we'd planned to watch a movie at his place after bowling, but when he proceeded to try and kiss me again before we got out I broke down in tears, apologized a million times, and left for my sister-in-laws. I bawled pretty much the whole way there, and then again when I told my sister about it the next day (She's the only one I really talk to about any of the dating stuff).
Ugh...sorry for the super-long post, I feel like I'm rambling so much, but I'm utterly confused. I mean, I know this guy was being a jerk, but I'm seriously worried about the fact that, at 28. I was so freaked out over the physical contact. Does this make me some kind of psych job? Am I going to react like this EVERY time a guy tries to kiss me? (Assuming I ever date again.) And what does it say about me that I thought this guy was so great? Am I going to end up falling for jerks just because they tell me I'm beautiful?
So, I know that there are like 50 topics that could be tackled in this post, and I would gladly take advice/comments/lectures on any of it. I'm extremely interested in hearing what others have to say. Thanks in advance.
