She's Fit, Boyfriend's Fat
Her boyfriend of four months has been told he's in danger of diabetes, yet does nothing, even when she nags him about his bad habits. Our expert explains that they both might need to change their ways
By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW
Q. I'm 44, never married, and in excellent shape. That fact comes into play because my boyfriend of 4 months is 50, has a beer belly, eats junk food, and rarely works out. This is particularly heinous because he's been warned he's in danger of developing diabetes. I find myself nagging him to eat decently, go to the doctor, etc. What's wrong with him for being so careless?
Denni
A. Here is something to chew on while you're trying to snatch that candy from your beloved's mouth: His weight and wellness habits are not your responsibility. According to Dorothea Hover-Kramer, EdD, RN, "In my over 30 years of counseling I find women fall into caregiver roles much too easily." The author of Second Chance at Your Dream adds, "Men need to grow up and take responsibility for their health, looks, and quality of life."
Dr. Dan Ardebili disagrees with that assessment of his brethren. The author of How to Attract the Person of Your Dreams and Keep Them points out, "It's easy to think that most men are babies. But there are plenty who are not. Most of the time I see women attracting these 'babies' because they feel the need to be a mother figure."
Both viewpoints have validity. It's wrong to infantilize all middle-aged men even though there are those who seem not to pay attention to their health until something goes wrong. Still, ask yourself why you are dating someone who you feel shouldn't be allowed outside without a keeper. Linda Franklin, creator of therealcougarwoman.com, a social network for women over 40, says, "The nagging and cajoling it takes to get him to stay in shape comes with too high a price to pay. You will inevitably build up resentment, projecting his careless behavior as a reflection of how he feels about you."
Okay, warning heeded but you love the guy, flabby belly and all. Would he feel the same about you if you let yourself go? Nancy Michaels, a 44-year-old Massachusetts divorced mother of three states, "Men have specific criteria about how their partner needs to look, yet I see women who are with men who are not their physical equivalents and never say a word unless it involves their partner's health."
Michaels is clearly channeling Cindy Tanner: Tanner, a 40-year-old New York banker, hits the gym three times a week and is a vegan. Her 44-year-old boyfriend has a gym membership card that's gathering dust, eats a large pasta dish each night at 11 before passing out on the couch, and hasn't been to a doctor in 10 years. His profession? Plastic surgeon. Tanner says, "He knows better but is too lazy to take care of himself. I love him even with his big tummy."
For those with less of a laissez-faire attitude toward their fitness-challenged man, try this: Cut back on the nagging and amp up the TLC. Michaels, founder of matchgonewrong.com recommends, "Don't say anything about his looks. He's already struggling with that." And opt for a team approach. Michaels suggests saying, "I'd like to eat healthier and get more exercise. Would you do it with me?"
If he can't or won't budge, either love him love handles and all or consider that the weight you need to drop is his scale-tipping 220 pounds.
