BeautifulPoeticDisaster
Well-Known Member
After going out for a meal and going to Biggies last Friday, I realised just how shy I am.
This is just me talking out loud, trying to figure out what/how it happened.
I was a fairly shy child, being super fat, I was usually alone on the playground, but at the same time I was a happy child, though very sensitive. I was like this until I hit 14, and then I went the opposite way of trying to over compensate by being loud and obnoxious. This gained me a lot of friends and some popularity. It was hard to keep up the act at first, but then it became who I was.
At 16, my parents moved us to a small, secluded town in Idaho for some God forsaken reason. I once again went shy. I would do social things when forced to by my parents, buy I was a loner and kept to myself. That only lasted a year and then I made friends and for the first time in my life really was popular, the leader of my own group of friends so to speak. I once again became out spoken and I was very sure of myself.
Then I graduated and the glory of having loads of friends faded. And I moved back to California. When I moved back, I had my best friend from high school, before I moved to Idaho, to lean on. We had so much and got into as much trouble as religious 18 year olds could, lol.
I was ok in California for the most part until I lost my car. I exploded the head gasket and couldn't afford to get it fixed. It was during this time that I gained a lot of weight from boredom and depression. This is when the shyness started.
After I passed the 450 mark, I started to feel fat, really fat...and anyone who has passed that threshold will tell you...450 feels different..and then 500 feels VERY different. I don't know if my size has caused my shyness or vice versa since I was shy as a child.
I just realised that the shyness had come back. When I was in Boise, I was on top of the world. I had friends, and amongst the gay bois, I was top notch. I always had someone to have fun with. I had a hint of shy, but I was too damned independent to care. I used to go to Barnes and Nobles all the time by myself, and cherish it.
Now days, even with a group of people I hardly have anything to say. It isn't out of snobery, or stupidity, it is a weird feeling. I just do not know what to say! I feel out of my element. Which I realise I am very much, but how do I shake this feeling? All of the feelings?
Whilst having dinner in downtown London....or something like that, everyone was sitting around talking to eachother....Sasha and mango and James and Mike....and I just felt anxious, like "OMG, I have no idea what they are talking about..what do I say??? what do I do???" This was amplified by the fact that I thought it would be FUN to dress 80's style...turns out it just made me feel embarrassed the whole night.
All of that babbling to ask....to those of you who have struggled with being shy....how did you shake it? Did it get worse with age as mine appears to be? I hate feeling all socially awkward all the time.
This is just me talking out loud, trying to figure out what/how it happened.
I was a fairly shy child, being super fat, I was usually alone on the playground, but at the same time I was a happy child, though very sensitive. I was like this until I hit 14, and then I went the opposite way of trying to over compensate by being loud and obnoxious. This gained me a lot of friends and some popularity. It was hard to keep up the act at first, but then it became who I was.
At 16, my parents moved us to a small, secluded town in Idaho for some God forsaken reason. I once again went shy. I would do social things when forced to by my parents, buy I was a loner and kept to myself. That only lasted a year and then I made friends and for the first time in my life really was popular, the leader of my own group of friends so to speak. I once again became out spoken and I was very sure of myself.
Then I graduated and the glory of having loads of friends faded. And I moved back to California. When I moved back, I had my best friend from high school, before I moved to Idaho, to lean on. We had so much and got into as much trouble as religious 18 year olds could, lol.
I was ok in California for the most part until I lost my car. I exploded the head gasket and couldn't afford to get it fixed. It was during this time that I gained a lot of weight from boredom and depression. This is when the shyness started.
After I passed the 450 mark, I started to feel fat, really fat...and anyone who has passed that threshold will tell you...450 feels different..and then 500 feels VERY different. I don't know if my size has caused my shyness or vice versa since I was shy as a child.
I just realised that the shyness had come back. When I was in Boise, I was on top of the world. I had friends, and amongst the gay bois, I was top notch. I always had someone to have fun with. I had a hint of shy, but I was too damned independent to care. I used to go to Barnes and Nobles all the time by myself, and cherish it.
Now days, even with a group of people I hardly have anything to say. It isn't out of snobery, or stupidity, it is a weird feeling. I just do not know what to say! I feel out of my element. Which I realise I am very much, but how do I shake this feeling? All of the feelings?
Whilst having dinner in downtown London....or something like that, everyone was sitting around talking to eachother....Sasha and mango and James and Mike....and I just felt anxious, like "OMG, I have no idea what they are talking about..what do I say??? what do I do???" This was amplified by the fact that I thought it would be FUN to dress 80's style...turns out it just made me feel embarrassed the whole night.
All of that babbling to ask....to those of you who have struggled with being shy....how did you shake it? Did it get worse with age as mine appears to be? I hate feeling all socially awkward all the time.
