I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.
Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?
I didnt date in high school. I was fat, shy and awkward. I hated my body, and I always covered up. I had a lot of good friends, mostly guys. I found it easier to be around guys, simply because I felt I wasn't competing with them. I could be my sailor--mouthed self and telling disgusting jokes. Conversations with my guy friends frequently revolved around sex, but were never in a sexual tone (if that makes sense).
I met my first (and only, really) boyfriend in the fall of 2004, at the community college we were both going to. He actually pursued me and I was shocked. No guy had EVER shown such interest in me before. It was certainly a nice feeling and because I loved being lusted over so so so much, I lost my virginity to him a week into our relationship. As the months went on, we became more intimate and experimental (helloooo anal!). We broke up after 2.5 years and I went years without any sexual contact. I fell back into being awkward and constantly covering myself up.
A few summers ago, something in me snapped and I started opening myself up more. I wore cuter clothes, showed off my arms and boobs, starting buying up skirts and shoes. I got many compliments and I loved it. Suddenly I was actually getting some attention from the opposite sex!
I met a really sweet guy last year, through friends and we had amazing sex. I was totally in love with his body, and he was good at lovin up mine! I think this is what started me on a more sexual path. But thats all it was. Sex. I was heartbroken when he decided he didnt want to hang out anyway.
Since the beginning of this year, I've been sexually active with 5 guys. 3 of them, multiple times. Actually, one of them turned into a FWB for a while.
I like to think that Im just having fun. Im young, single and I like having sex. But perhaps Im not going about it the best way. My bestie called me a slut for having sex with a man I didnt know. He was just staying with some friends for a few weeks while he was passing through town. We met one night, while at that friend's house and the next day we went out... and I blew him. That was the start of a 2 week sexy relationship with a man twice my age. We did it in my Jeep, at my friend's house, in a cheap motel room, a parking lot... even at my town's park one night. Bestie was absolutely disgusted.
The last guy I slept with (a week ago) was someone that I had been digging for months and months. I asked him out a few times, but it never happened... and I think I knew deep down that he was interested, but I sure as hell kept trying. I was so totally into him and not just lustfully. I wanted to get to know him and hang out!
He messaged me at midnight- "You know, it's not too late. I have tomorrow off. You could get some sex." I was completely confused. He never really showed interest, but now he wants me to come over and fuck? Was I just a bootycall or did he like me? I told him that I wasn't interested in just sex. He said if I didn't like him, I could have the bedroom all to my self, but I was definitely staying for the night. It took him an hour to convince me, but I gave in. I drove a half hour to in the middle of the night, the whole time trying to prepare myself. "Im not going to have sex with him. I want to just hang out and get to know him".
Well that didnt work at all. We hung out for maybe an hour (he played his guitar and my panties got wet) and then we were sitting on the couch fondling each other. It was awesome sex. Best I've had. But... I felt just like I did with all the other guys. He doesnt like me enough to date me, but at least he likes me enough to have sex with me.
Thats pretty fucked up, no? Why do I do this to myself?
This took me roughly 2 hours to type up, sorry but my train of thought has been wandering...
Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?
I didnt date in high school. I was fat, shy and awkward. I hated my body, and I always covered up. I had a lot of good friends, mostly guys. I found it easier to be around guys, simply because I felt I wasn't competing with them. I could be my sailor--mouthed self and telling disgusting jokes. Conversations with my guy friends frequently revolved around sex, but were never in a sexual tone (if that makes sense).
I met my first (and only, really) boyfriend in the fall of 2004, at the community college we were both going to. He actually pursued me and I was shocked. No guy had EVER shown such interest in me before. It was certainly a nice feeling and because I loved being lusted over so so so much, I lost my virginity to him a week into our relationship. As the months went on, we became more intimate and experimental (helloooo anal!). We broke up after 2.5 years and I went years without any sexual contact. I fell back into being awkward and constantly covering myself up.
A few summers ago, something in me snapped and I started opening myself up more. I wore cuter clothes, showed off my arms and boobs, starting buying up skirts and shoes. I got many compliments and I loved it. Suddenly I was actually getting some attention from the opposite sex!
I met a really sweet guy last year, through friends and we had amazing sex. I was totally in love with his body, and he was good at lovin up mine! I think this is what started me on a more sexual path. But thats all it was. Sex. I was heartbroken when he decided he didnt want to hang out anyway.
Since the beginning of this year, I've been sexually active with 5 guys. 3 of them, multiple times. Actually, one of them turned into a FWB for a while.
I like to think that Im just having fun. Im young, single and I like having sex. But perhaps Im not going about it the best way. My bestie called me a slut for having sex with a man I didnt know. He was just staying with some friends for a few weeks while he was passing through town. We met one night, while at that friend's house and the next day we went out... and I blew him. That was the start of a 2 week sexy relationship with a man twice my age. We did it in my Jeep, at my friend's house, in a cheap motel room, a parking lot... even at my town's park one night. Bestie was absolutely disgusted.
The last guy I slept with (a week ago) was someone that I had been digging for months and months. I asked him out a few times, but it never happened... and I think I knew deep down that he was interested, but I sure as hell kept trying. I was so totally into him and not just lustfully. I wanted to get to know him and hang out!
He messaged me at midnight- "You know, it's not too late. I have tomorrow off. You could get some sex." I was completely confused. He never really showed interest, but now he wants me to come over and fuck? Was I just a bootycall or did he like me? I told him that I wasn't interested in just sex. He said if I didn't like him, I could have the bedroom all to my self, but I was definitely staying for the night. It took him an hour to convince me, but I gave in. I drove a half hour to in the middle of the night, the whole time trying to prepare myself. "Im not going to have sex with him. I want to just hang out and get to know him".
Well that didnt work at all. We hung out for maybe an hour (he played his guitar and my panties got wet) and then we were sitting on the couch fondling each other. It was awesome sex. Best I've had. But... I felt just like I did with all the other guys. He doesnt like me enough to date me, but at least he likes me enough to have sex with me.
Thats pretty fucked up, no? Why do I do this to myself?
This took me roughly 2 hours to type up, sorry but my train of thought has been wandering...
