So I had a bit of a break down last night. I couldnt sleep, shot off an email I kind of regret sending now at 3 am.
Anyway what I want is to vent/get advice/vent/rant/figure this shit out. Ive always been the big guy in school. second grade all the way to high school. Hell even college. Ive always had issues with a fledgling social circle. I either had bad friends, very few friends, or no friends at all. in the past it wasnt as bad as it is now.
When I was 20 I had cancer, thats not the focus Im cool with that, but a side effect of it was I lost every friend of the few friends I did have but 1. It ruined me socially. That was 2 years ago and my social circle/life is still in shambles. I now spend every night/weekend at home watching netflix. I was in school at a community college as well. So I do have an ability to meet people, but now its gotten to the point where I am scared to even try.
Since I havent ever had a lot of friends, nor made many friends in school in my life, I have no idea how to go about it. Ive read self help books and articles on making friends, but it never seems to pan out. Ive had a few people act like they want to be friends, but then when I try to do something they back out and dont return any communications. Its happened about 4 times in the last 2 years. Its hard not to start believing something is inherently wrong with me.
Ive always felt like my weight has been the driving force behind my issues with friends, but some of the most popular people I know are fat guys. Not as big as me, but not much smaller. I still hold onto that belief though. Im also not socially awkward either. I know the rules, how to have a conversation etc. I just want to figure out whats wrong in this situation. I dont want to have like a million friends. My dream is to have a medium sized group of friends. 5-10. Nothing spectacular.
This probably makes zero sense, but oh well. I can clarify if need be. lol
Anyway what I want is to vent/get advice/vent/rant/figure this shit out. Ive always been the big guy in school. second grade all the way to high school. Hell even college. Ive always had issues with a fledgling social circle. I either had bad friends, very few friends, or no friends at all. in the past it wasnt as bad as it is now.
When I was 20 I had cancer, thats not the focus Im cool with that, but a side effect of it was I lost every friend of the few friends I did have but 1. It ruined me socially. That was 2 years ago and my social circle/life is still in shambles. I now spend every night/weekend at home watching netflix. I was in school at a community college as well. So I do have an ability to meet people, but now its gotten to the point where I am scared to even try.
Since I havent ever had a lot of friends, nor made many friends in school in my life, I have no idea how to go about it. Ive read self help books and articles on making friends, but it never seems to pan out. Ive had a few people act like they want to be friends, but then when I try to do something they back out and dont return any communications. Its happened about 4 times in the last 2 years. Its hard not to start believing something is inherently wrong with me.
Ive always felt like my weight has been the driving force behind my issues with friends, but some of the most popular people I know are fat guys. Not as big as me, but not much smaller. I still hold onto that belief though. Im also not socially awkward either. I know the rules, how to have a conversation etc. I just want to figure out whats wrong in this situation. I dont want to have like a million friends. My dream is to have a medium sized group of friends. 5-10. Nothing spectacular.
This probably makes zero sense, but oh well. I can clarify if need be. lol
