S
saucywench
I thought it would be a good idea to start this thread to learn how we all (OK, those of you who bother to respond) came to this particular community. I've heard many responses from FAs over the years, both on the old boards and in chat, of how they came to realize they were an FA, but I'd like a little more info here. I'd like to hear from both men and women of the background of your awareness of size acceptance, how that brought you to seek out venues such as this, the level of your involvement in SA, and the impact it has made upon your lives.
11/25/2005
Note: I returned last night to respond to my own post, finally. I had composed a rather lengthy, comprehensive, and more eloquent response but, when it was time to preview changes, discovered that I had lost my cable connection and, consequently, everything I had written--major bummer. Nonetheless, I have tried to recompose in essence those same thoughts below.
I got my first home pc in 1995, although it wasn't until a few months after my father died in 1999 that I explored the online world in serious fashion. At the time, however, I sought out venues different from this. I was almost entirely ignorant of the size acceptance community, even though I considered myself an intelligent person, and had been fat all of my life. I knew of NAAFA through magazine articles and some television spots, but in my ignorance and self-loathing I didn't consider myself a candidate for "that type of thing." After spending a few days visiting this other site, I met a man who in time professed to liking fat women, which was quite a novel concept to me. Until this time I had seen the term BBW infrequently at this particular site, but had no idea what the term meant. He proved to be of enough interest to me that I, without judging, listened as he later told me of his secret desire to "grow women." He told me of a chat room called Bulge that he liked to frequent, but it was many months before I bothered to investigate.
Bulge Chat was a room created by kelligrl and was part of the BeSeen network of chatrooms. When I first created my chat name for the room (which, as an aside, happens to be the one I still use), I was visually and psychologically jarred to see women, most even fatter than myself, displaying their (sometimes scantily clad) bodies on the sidebar with impunity. I tell you that it was difficult for me to witness, certainly not to shame or humiliate anyone, but (on the off chance that no one can relate to my feelings) to express how difficult it was to get my mind around the concept that any fat woman would feel at ease in displaying her image in such a manner (let alone to a mixed group of women and men.)
I lurked invisibly for a couple of weeks while my mind accepted this new paradigm. During that time, I noticed how much fun these men and women had interacting with one another. I found myself wanting to join in, to be a part of the fun, so I took tentative steps to interact with them. Thus began my journey into the world of size acceptance.
I can't explain why I chose to remain in Bulge chat, even though in time I learned that there was a BeSeen room geared to more "mainstream" BBWs and FAs. I had already established friendships in Bulge and, even though the topic of gaining wasn't really up my alley, I guess I was learning what I needed to learn there. In time (a period of a couple of years or so) I did migrate over to the general topic chat room, where I remained almost exclusively until BeSeen's demise in August/September of 2002. During that time I also learned of the Dimensions boards, where I eagerly read virtually every post, to gain a greater understanding of the community of which I had de facto become a part.
I don't consider myself an activist for size acceptance in the sense that I don a pink tutu and prance around at weight loss surgery informational meetings, but I do know that I will NEVER again allow another human being (mostly strangers--how incredibly rude, offensive, and ill-mannered!) to attempt to (a) humiliate/degrade/belittle myself or another fat person in my presence or (b) bolster their low self-esteem because of their OWN inadequacies, without putting them in their place/giving them a taste of their own medicine/providing a crash course in tolerance. I know that my responses would vary based either on my general mood at the time or my perception of their level of mental ability to "get it."
I would like to thank everyone who has responded. I appreciate the time you took, and, not to appear ungrateful, ask that you review my questions again. I myself may not have answered them all completely, and will likely edit this post to add more thoughts as they come to mind. I hope that the answers you have provided help others along the road to size acceptance, whether it be from a personal perspective or tolerance for any who don't fit society's artificial and narrowly-defined stereotypes of what is and is not "acceptable."
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11/25/05 10:15am
I knew I'd left out a relevant part that I had mentioned in the original self-reply that I lost. (Damn, that had been a really thorough post, and I'm still mad as hell that I lost it.) In the self-loathing category I mentioned that, at 28, I made the decision to undergo WLS. I know WLS is not normally mentioned on the Main Board, but it is an essential component of my story. I am not inviting a flame war by the telling of this, I just want to relate it as part of my response. If Conrad feels it best, I will cut this part of my post and place it in the WLS forum.
I want to stress how important it is to have that mind/body connection and, contrary to the opinions of so-called experts out there, it is not neccesary to be thin to achieve that. But, at 28, I had no mind/body connection at all, was depressed about myself, and thought that WLS was my own personal salvation toward that end. I "qualified" for the surgery as being morbidly obese enough at 220 pounds (!!!!). I gained 8 more pounds prior to the surgery because I was convinced that I would never be able to "eat that way" again. Over a period of about a year and a half I got down to what was my lowest post-surgical weight--around 165. During and up to that time, I still had no concept of my body--although I could see and feel the changes it was undergoing, I still thought of myself as fat, and acted/reacted accordingly. I think that, in a sense, perhaps this is what many anorexics must experience--I certainly couldn't say for sure.
Over time, of course, as I had the procedure performed for completely wrong reasons, the weight began to creep back. I recall sitting (OK, so I was on the toilet) and noticing that my belly had begun to settle onto my lap once again. I had regained about 15 pounds at the time, and I recall a feeling of resignation, in the sense that I didn't care to do anything about it then and there to prevent even more weight returning. I tell this part, certainly not to provoke titillation among the gaining crowd in our midst, but perhaps as a way to explain that this may have been the beginning of coming to some sort of self-realization that maybe I was naturally inclined to be fat. This was about 20 years ago, so you have to realize that, still, I was a long way toward self-acceptance as far as my size was concerned--nonetheless, that seed may have been planted around that time.
I have since gained all of that weight back, and then some, but what is relevant to my post regarding this is that I am much happier with myself now than I was back then. Part of this is due simply to the maturity and wisdom that comes with aging, but a large part is due to the things I learned about myself as a result of being part of this community, and I owe a great deal, whether directly or indirectly, to those of you who have helped me along the way. Again, I thank you.
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11/25/2005
Note: I returned last night to respond to my own post, finally. I had composed a rather lengthy, comprehensive, and more eloquent response but, when it was time to preview changes, discovered that I had lost my cable connection and, consequently, everything I had written--major bummer. Nonetheless, I have tried to recompose in essence those same thoughts below.
I got my first home pc in 1995, although it wasn't until a few months after my father died in 1999 that I explored the online world in serious fashion. At the time, however, I sought out venues different from this. I was almost entirely ignorant of the size acceptance community, even though I considered myself an intelligent person, and had been fat all of my life. I knew of NAAFA through magazine articles and some television spots, but in my ignorance and self-loathing I didn't consider myself a candidate for "that type of thing." After spending a few days visiting this other site, I met a man who in time professed to liking fat women, which was quite a novel concept to me. Until this time I had seen the term BBW infrequently at this particular site, but had no idea what the term meant. He proved to be of enough interest to me that I, without judging, listened as he later told me of his secret desire to "grow women." He told me of a chat room called Bulge that he liked to frequent, but it was many months before I bothered to investigate.
Bulge Chat was a room created by kelligrl and was part of the BeSeen network of chatrooms. When I first created my chat name for the room (which, as an aside, happens to be the one I still use), I was visually and psychologically jarred to see women, most even fatter than myself, displaying their (sometimes scantily clad) bodies on the sidebar with impunity. I tell you that it was difficult for me to witness, certainly not to shame or humiliate anyone, but (on the off chance that no one can relate to my feelings) to express how difficult it was to get my mind around the concept that any fat woman would feel at ease in displaying her image in such a manner (let alone to a mixed group of women and men.)
I lurked invisibly for a couple of weeks while my mind accepted this new paradigm. During that time, I noticed how much fun these men and women had interacting with one another. I found myself wanting to join in, to be a part of the fun, so I took tentative steps to interact with them. Thus began my journey into the world of size acceptance.
I can't explain why I chose to remain in Bulge chat, even though in time I learned that there was a BeSeen room geared to more "mainstream" BBWs and FAs. I had already established friendships in Bulge and, even though the topic of gaining wasn't really up my alley, I guess I was learning what I needed to learn there. In time (a period of a couple of years or so) I did migrate over to the general topic chat room, where I remained almost exclusively until BeSeen's demise in August/September of 2002. During that time I also learned of the Dimensions boards, where I eagerly read virtually every post, to gain a greater understanding of the community of which I had de facto become a part.
I don't consider myself an activist for size acceptance in the sense that I don a pink tutu and prance around at weight loss surgery informational meetings, but I do know that I will NEVER again allow another human being (mostly strangers--how incredibly rude, offensive, and ill-mannered!) to attempt to (a) humiliate/degrade/belittle myself or another fat person in my presence or (b) bolster their low self-esteem because of their OWN inadequacies, without putting them in their place/giving them a taste of their own medicine/providing a crash course in tolerance. I know that my responses would vary based either on my general mood at the time or my perception of their level of mental ability to "get it."
I would like to thank everyone who has responded. I appreciate the time you took, and, not to appear ungrateful, ask that you review my questions again. I myself may not have answered them all completely, and will likely edit this post to add more thoughts as they come to mind. I hope that the answers you have provided help others along the road to size acceptance, whether it be from a personal perspective or tolerance for any who don't fit society's artificial and narrowly-defined stereotypes of what is and is not "acceptable."
------------
11/25/05 10:15am
I knew I'd left out a relevant part that I had mentioned in the original self-reply that I lost. (Damn, that had been a really thorough post, and I'm still mad as hell that I lost it.) In the self-loathing category I mentioned that, at 28, I made the decision to undergo WLS. I know WLS is not normally mentioned on the Main Board, but it is an essential component of my story. I am not inviting a flame war by the telling of this, I just want to relate it as part of my response. If Conrad feels it best, I will cut this part of my post and place it in the WLS forum.
I want to stress how important it is to have that mind/body connection and, contrary to the opinions of so-called experts out there, it is not neccesary to be thin to achieve that. But, at 28, I had no mind/body connection at all, was depressed about myself, and thought that WLS was my own personal salvation toward that end. I "qualified" for the surgery as being morbidly obese enough at 220 pounds (!!!!). I gained 8 more pounds prior to the surgery because I was convinced that I would never be able to "eat that way" again. Over a period of about a year and a half I got down to what was my lowest post-surgical weight--around 165. During and up to that time, I still had no concept of my body--although I could see and feel the changes it was undergoing, I still thought of myself as fat, and acted/reacted accordingly. I think that, in a sense, perhaps this is what many anorexics must experience--I certainly couldn't say for sure.
Over time, of course, as I had the procedure performed for completely wrong reasons, the weight began to creep back. I recall sitting (OK, so I was on the toilet) and noticing that my belly had begun to settle onto my lap once again. I had regained about 15 pounds at the time, and I recall a feeling of resignation, in the sense that I didn't care to do anything about it then and there to prevent even more weight returning. I tell this part, certainly not to provoke titillation among the gaining crowd in our midst, but perhaps as a way to explain that this may have been the beginning of coming to some sort of self-realization that maybe I was naturally inclined to be fat. This was about 20 years ago, so you have to realize that, still, I was a long way toward self-acceptance as far as my size was concerned--nonetheless, that seed may have been planted around that time.
I have since gained all of that weight back, and then some, but what is relevant to my post regarding this is that I am much happier with myself now than I was back then. Part of this is due simply to the maturity and wisdom that comes with aging, but a large part is due to the things I learned about myself as a result of being part of this community, and I owe a great deal, whether directly or indirectly, to those of you who have helped me along the way. Again, I thank you.
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