Hi folks,
Alright, so I mentioned I'm new, and that I've just found out that I'm bigger than I even imagined, and that I'm confused a bit about my reactions to this. I'd gotten used to the stares on the subway (for some reason very much a hotbed of evil staring), but they always pissed me off. In general any sort of anti-fat vibe from a stranger had pissed me off, and they have been increasing. A few weeks ago I had a kid do a dramatic double-take when he saw me, with his eyes bugging out of his head like a damn cartoon character. The a week later I had two teenage girls give me the disgustful "Oh! My! God!" as I walked out of a video store. Both incidents made me angry, and I wondered, "why so many of these incidents lately?" I had sort of assumed I didn't get a lot of these because I was intimidating-looking or something, but with the latest incident I reported in my first post (gasp of shock from across the room of a Chinese Restaurant), I realised two things:
1) I'm much fatter than I used to be, and
2) I'm not getting angry anymore about these incidents.
Let me be clear I don't like them (the comments) or want them, but it seems inevitable now, since I didn't realize how fat I had gotten until the other day (lack of large mirrors and an aversion to scales will do that to you). Is it weird to not be angry anymore? I'm not saying that I've given up my self-esteem or anything, but, you know, when I really looked in the mirror I 'stared' at myself too. While I understand my reaction from a thin-society point of view, I didn't quite understand the fact that I found the sight of my large belly appealing, too. I've always liked other's big bellies, but not my own (until now). Its hard figuring this stuff out.
Now it seems that I notice something everyday about my body. This morning I noticed my face was much fatter than I had remembered. I look at it every day and how could I have not noticed this before today? Is this usual for people getting used to being fat? Or, more precisely, since I've always been really fat, is this how one behaves when they're finally learning how to enjoy being fat? And what else does one do to keep this feeling up?
As always, thanks for your input. :eat2:
Alright, so I mentioned I'm new, and that I've just found out that I'm bigger than I even imagined, and that I'm confused a bit about my reactions to this. I'd gotten used to the stares on the subway (for some reason very much a hotbed of evil staring), but they always pissed me off. In general any sort of anti-fat vibe from a stranger had pissed me off, and they have been increasing. A few weeks ago I had a kid do a dramatic double-take when he saw me, with his eyes bugging out of his head like a damn cartoon character. The a week later I had two teenage girls give me the disgustful "Oh! My! God!" as I walked out of a video store. Both incidents made me angry, and I wondered, "why so many of these incidents lately?" I had sort of assumed I didn't get a lot of these because I was intimidating-looking or something, but with the latest incident I reported in my first post (gasp of shock from across the room of a Chinese Restaurant), I realised two things:
1) I'm much fatter than I used to be, and
2) I'm not getting angry anymore about these incidents.
Let me be clear I don't like them (the comments) or want them, but it seems inevitable now, since I didn't realize how fat I had gotten until the other day (lack of large mirrors and an aversion to scales will do that to you). Is it weird to not be angry anymore? I'm not saying that I've given up my self-esteem or anything, but, you know, when I really looked in the mirror I 'stared' at myself too. While I understand my reaction from a thin-society point of view, I didn't quite understand the fact that I found the sight of my large belly appealing, too. I've always liked other's big bellies, but not my own (until now). Its hard figuring this stuff out.
Now it seems that I notice something everyday about my body. This morning I noticed my face was much fatter than I had remembered. I look at it every day and how could I have not noticed this before today? Is this usual for people getting used to being fat? Or, more precisely, since I've always been really fat, is this how one behaves when they're finally learning how to enjoy being fat? And what else does one do to keep this feeling up?
As always, thanks for your input. :eat2:
