Fat Molly
hufflepuff hobbit
hi friends
so i'm in the delightful position of dating a SSBHM who is absolutely divine. while not interested in feederism on his own behalf, he's around 500lbs with an overwhelmingly excellent appetite, and he's attracted to this plump small-fat FA.
there was a thread on another board where we were discussing FA/FFA issues re: weight loss of partner. and I wrote that i'm feeling pretty excited at prospect of partner losing weight.
there's a lot of little things that i want to do that i can't do with him, like going on walks, going camping, going swimming, buying him clothes more easily (he's outgrown most big and tall store offerings), spending more time out of the house, and fucking me deeper/with less awkward maneuvering. i feel like our life is kinda on hold bc of his weight and it terrifies me that one day i might get a call that he's in the hospital. or that his heart might fail while we're hanging out and that i'll have to call the ambulance and explain the situation that he's too big for an ambulance.
I'm insanely attracted to him now but I don't think that would go away if he lost a hundred pounds. even two hundred pounds i think, given he's nearly 500lbs if not over.
i like him squishy and i also like him enough to want him to stick around. and because of his size, he's got a bee in his bonnet that he refuses to go for annual checkups until he loses weight, which makes me quite concerned. i want to get his bloodwork done to see if he needs meds for various cholesterol/sugars. i'm not focusing on weight loss - he really is. i've told him i'm along for the ride, whatever makes the most sense for him. but as he's expressed his own concerns re: his weight, i've affirmed the positive aspects of losing weight in reference to his own life.
i've articulated (extremely carefully) these concerns, months ago, and he appreciates and validates them but also is dealing with alternate sources of external stress. he just got laid off from his dream job, and dealt with some significant depression as a result of that. also his dream job had weird insurance that was very unclear how to access care.
very soon he should be getting on new, more straightforward insurance, and I feel like I want to pester him to go to the doctor JUST TO GET THAT BLOODWORK DONE, but I also know that I can't compel him to do that. he feels like any bloodwork he might get done would be negligible because of a sense that 'if i just lose weight my bloodwork will be good again/normal again so whats the point of going to doc to analyze blood bc losing weight will fix those problematic metrics." and i'm just like ARGHGHGH weight loss won't solve all your problems if you're having problems right now and you're not taking care of them!!!!!
in particular: here's what's going on in his head right now from how i understand it
a) until he's got new job he won't consider doing *anything* for his health including doctor visit, exercise, or weight loss. he has it in his head that he can't exercise until he loses weight, which i've not had success getting him to realize. and again he won't see a doctor because he feels like it'd be useless
b) he's not really working super hard on getting new job, from what i can tell. :doh: a part of this is depression about how fucked up our world is right now, but I know a part of this is also internal resistance to his own resolution to start dieting once he has a paycheck again.
I'm trying so hard to balance my concern for him with my respect for his being an adult who can make his own decisions.
he experiences suicidal depression and so do I. both of us self-harm through eating, though we both also experience great pleasure through eating/overeating. (for me it's much more sexual than it is for him.)
he's getting connected to appropriate mental health care since right now he claims to feel fine, despite everything. i have done some stuff to facilitate that, and am gently nudging him to keep working on moving forward despite everything.
i could use some thoughts/support/love as i'm trying to balance on the edge of this challenge, and i want to be optimally compassionate without also being complacent and allowing him to be complacent. like i know i need to push but i also need to not push too much, and i'm terrified that i'm going to just let him die by accident. but i also know THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE and THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. This is stuff he, as an adult, must choose to address/not address. I love him and I know he feels better about his life with me in it, and my life is better with him in it, too.
but i know life would be better for both of us if he were just a bit thinner, more energetic, more able-bodied. not super thin, of course, we're both endomorphs, but i need him to be healthier, even as much (or more) than i need him squishy and soft and lovely to cuddle.
god damnit why have i made my life so difficult by falling so hard for someone so tricky?
also: i'm a social worker, which has been both a blessing and a curse through this mess. also, he's started really taking seriously my worry about his sleep schedule, and has actually stopped drinking caffeine after 4pm, which has taken a massive load off my shoulders in terms of worrying about him. being SSBHM + excessive caffeine abuse + massively fucked up sleep schedule has been pretty scary to watch. but past week or two he has sorted it out and begun to be better regulated.
incremental progress is incremental but DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I just want to get things on track for him, manually, and I can't, and it's frustrating.
so i'm in the delightful position of dating a SSBHM who is absolutely divine. while not interested in feederism on his own behalf, he's around 500lbs with an overwhelmingly excellent appetite, and he's attracted to this plump small-fat FA.
there was a thread on another board where we were discussing FA/FFA issues re: weight loss of partner. and I wrote that i'm feeling pretty excited at prospect of partner losing weight.
there's a lot of little things that i want to do that i can't do with him, like going on walks, going camping, going swimming, buying him clothes more easily (he's outgrown most big and tall store offerings), spending more time out of the house, and fucking me deeper/with less awkward maneuvering. i feel like our life is kinda on hold bc of his weight and it terrifies me that one day i might get a call that he's in the hospital. or that his heart might fail while we're hanging out and that i'll have to call the ambulance and explain the situation that he's too big for an ambulance.
I'm insanely attracted to him now but I don't think that would go away if he lost a hundred pounds. even two hundred pounds i think, given he's nearly 500lbs if not over.
i like him squishy and i also like him enough to want him to stick around. and because of his size, he's got a bee in his bonnet that he refuses to go for annual checkups until he loses weight, which makes me quite concerned. i want to get his bloodwork done to see if he needs meds for various cholesterol/sugars. i'm not focusing on weight loss - he really is. i've told him i'm along for the ride, whatever makes the most sense for him. but as he's expressed his own concerns re: his weight, i've affirmed the positive aspects of losing weight in reference to his own life.
i've articulated (extremely carefully) these concerns, months ago, and he appreciates and validates them but also is dealing with alternate sources of external stress. he just got laid off from his dream job, and dealt with some significant depression as a result of that. also his dream job had weird insurance that was very unclear how to access care.
very soon he should be getting on new, more straightforward insurance, and I feel like I want to pester him to go to the doctor JUST TO GET THAT BLOODWORK DONE, but I also know that I can't compel him to do that. he feels like any bloodwork he might get done would be negligible because of a sense that 'if i just lose weight my bloodwork will be good again/normal again so whats the point of going to doc to analyze blood bc losing weight will fix those problematic metrics." and i'm just like ARGHGHGH weight loss won't solve all your problems if you're having problems right now and you're not taking care of them!!!!!
in particular: here's what's going on in his head right now from how i understand it
a) until he's got new job he won't consider doing *anything* for his health including doctor visit, exercise, or weight loss. he has it in his head that he can't exercise until he loses weight, which i've not had success getting him to realize. and again he won't see a doctor because he feels like it'd be useless
b) he's not really working super hard on getting new job, from what i can tell. :doh: a part of this is depression about how fucked up our world is right now, but I know a part of this is also internal resistance to his own resolution to start dieting once he has a paycheck again.
I'm trying so hard to balance my concern for him with my respect for his being an adult who can make his own decisions.
he experiences suicidal depression and so do I. both of us self-harm through eating, though we both also experience great pleasure through eating/overeating. (for me it's much more sexual than it is for him.)
he's getting connected to appropriate mental health care since right now he claims to feel fine, despite everything. i have done some stuff to facilitate that, and am gently nudging him to keep working on moving forward despite everything.
i could use some thoughts/support/love as i'm trying to balance on the edge of this challenge, and i want to be optimally compassionate without also being complacent and allowing him to be complacent. like i know i need to push but i also need to not push too much, and i'm terrified that i'm going to just let him die by accident. but i also know THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE and THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. This is stuff he, as an adult, must choose to address/not address. I love him and I know he feels better about his life with me in it, and my life is better with him in it, too.
but i know life would be better for both of us if he were just a bit thinner, more energetic, more able-bodied. not super thin, of course, we're both endomorphs, but i need him to be healthier, even as much (or more) than i need him squishy and soft and lovely to cuddle.
god damnit why have i made my life so difficult by falling so hard for someone so tricky?
also: i'm a social worker, which has been both a blessing and a curse through this mess. also, he's started really taking seriously my worry about his sleep schedule, and has actually stopped drinking caffeine after 4pm, which has taken a massive load off my shoulders in terms of worrying about him. being SSBHM + excessive caffeine abuse + massively fucked up sleep schedule has been pretty scary to watch. but past week or two he has sorted it out and begun to be better regulated.
incremental progress is incremental but DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I just want to get things on track for him, manually, and I can't, and it's frustrating.
