TheSadeianLinguist
Coin-Operated
This wasn't written by me, but my brother, who routinely makes me laugh so hard that I snot. So here it is:
As a change of pace from my recent bitching, and in light of the rather good X-Men movie that just hit theatres, I thought I'd bestow as my gift to you my personal feelings regarding the Worst Superheroes Ever. So, without further adieu:
Captain America
Oh, boy. Look at this asshole. What was his power, exactly? Hard to say. Whatever it was, we know that his main weapon was a shield. I think the rule was that the shield couldn't be broken, except sometimes it could. And he threw it at people. You know, come to think of it, I don't think Captain America even had any good villians, and yet . . . they keep making movies about him. Go figure.
The Scarlet Witch
Now, this is really a waste. The Scarlet Witch is a superhero who can manipulate probability and make unlikely things happen. Seems to me that if I had this power, I wouldn't even be a superhero in the first place; I'd just take up permanent residence on the Strip and let the good times roll. However, assuming that got boring and I did decide to go into the superhero game, with a power like this, you should be godlike. You wonld totally crush everyone and everything in your path, and that would be the end of the story.
Her story? She was a small-time villian who turned good and joined the Avengers. The freaking Avengers, for God's sake! And should we even mention this costume? This woman is a disgrace to cheap comic book floozies everywhere.
The Submariner
Yes, yes, I know. Aquaman is the one that everybody loves to beat up on. But at least Aquaman didn't look like a total asswipe while he was being worthless. (That, and he was Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman's bitch, which is at least a mild claim to fame.) This guy looks like a retarded elf in his underwear. OOOOOHHH, he has super strength? Big effing deal. He can breathe underwater? I'm sure there's hours and hours of storylines that can be gleaned from that little tidbit.
Interesting sidenote: This character apparently spawned another equally worthless character named Namorita, whom rumor has it is a closet lesbian.
And last, but not least . . .
Dr. Strange
Strange, indeed. Yet another example of a supposedly intelligent character who is too stupid to realize that he has nearly unlimited power. Admittedly, his power is a little vague . . . what, is his power magic? I hope so-- either that or he's just finished jerking off a muppet. Not that it really matters-- no matter how cool the stuff he did was, he always had a stupid name for it. And why, why, why this costume? Really. Is it a rule in superhero land that the more powerful you are, the dumber you have to look? Or did he actually enjoy dressing like Gargamel on acid?
As a change of pace from my recent bitching, and in light of the rather good X-Men movie that just hit theatres, I thought I'd bestow as my gift to you my personal feelings regarding the Worst Superheroes Ever. So, without further adieu:
Captain America
The Scarlet Witch
Her story? She was a small-time villian who turned good and joined the Avengers. The freaking Avengers, for God's sake! And should we even mention this costume? This woman is a disgrace to cheap comic book floozies everywhere.
The Submariner
Interesting sidenote: This character apparently spawned another equally worthless character named Namorita, whom rumor has it is a closet lesbian.
And last, but not least . . .
Dr. Strange
