Hello everybody!
I guess I've been hanging around this place for a while now, though rarely post. It's an on-and-off thing for me, and I guess I go through phases.
But I'm at another one of life's crossroads and figured I'd ask if there have been people who've been in my shoes, and if they could offer any advice.
My history: I was a chunky kid, who turned into a chunky teenager, who turned into a chunky adult. I've accepted that I will always be fat to some degree. As a teenager, I was very self-concious about my weight thanks to a mother who insisted that I diet and get skinny. When I was 17 (and 205lbs), I went on a diet and got down to 179lbs, my lowest 'adult' weight. After becoming fed up (and even more self-concious about the comments about how much weight I'd lost), I gave up, and slowly the weight started to pile back on. Between my last year of high-school and my two years of college, I managed to gain just over 50lbs, to my all-time high of 232lbs (I'm 5'6"). I guess I was semi-actively gaining... I'd purposely go on binges, grabbing fast foods on my way home from work at 10pm at night, stuff with fattening foods before going to bed, and just not care. I loved getting softer and dreamed of getting a good flabby belly, despite the bulk of my weight accumulating in my hips and thighs. But then, about two years ago, I suddenly decided to start eating healthier, and the nature of my work required me to get a lot of walking in (and just generally more physical activity that I had been used to prior). I lost a bunch of weight, and found myself at 182lbs. I felt good and thought I looked good... But there was always that desire to just be fat.
Now, I've gone through a bit of a rough patch these past few months, and with my lack of wanting to leave the house and eating poorly again, I've gained almost 10lbs in about two months. It doesn't bother me, but I feel a bit of a different in my thighs and tummy. I like it, though I'm extremely conflicted.
Lately, I've been seriously fantasizing about gaining weight again big time, but there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't because I put so much work into getting healthier. It would be for myself - I've got no significant other - but I can already hear the criticism from my mother and comments from people once I start putting on weight again. I should add that I'm active in my community and spend a bit of time in the public eye around town for various things. I've never been able to handle comments (good or bad) about myself when they're directed towards my physical appearance.
It's just an idea I'm struggling with. I don't have a goal set in mind per se, but maybe slowly creep back up to 200lbs and take it from there. I did have a previous goal of 23olbs (and I made it!), but I think the highest I'd ever let myself get to would be 250lbs.
What do you guys think? Has anybody ever gained and lost and wanted to gain again? What did you do?
Thanks. :happy:
I guess I've been hanging around this place for a while now, though rarely post. It's an on-and-off thing for me, and I guess I go through phases.
But I'm at another one of life's crossroads and figured I'd ask if there have been people who've been in my shoes, and if they could offer any advice.
My history: I was a chunky kid, who turned into a chunky teenager, who turned into a chunky adult. I've accepted that I will always be fat to some degree. As a teenager, I was very self-concious about my weight thanks to a mother who insisted that I diet and get skinny. When I was 17 (and 205lbs), I went on a diet and got down to 179lbs, my lowest 'adult' weight. After becoming fed up (and even more self-concious about the comments about how much weight I'd lost), I gave up, and slowly the weight started to pile back on. Between my last year of high-school and my two years of college, I managed to gain just over 50lbs, to my all-time high of 232lbs (I'm 5'6"). I guess I was semi-actively gaining... I'd purposely go on binges, grabbing fast foods on my way home from work at 10pm at night, stuff with fattening foods before going to bed, and just not care. I loved getting softer and dreamed of getting a good flabby belly, despite the bulk of my weight accumulating in my hips and thighs. But then, about two years ago, I suddenly decided to start eating healthier, and the nature of my work required me to get a lot of walking in (and just generally more physical activity that I had been used to prior). I lost a bunch of weight, and found myself at 182lbs. I felt good and thought I looked good... But there was always that desire to just be fat.
Now, I've gone through a bit of a rough patch these past few months, and with my lack of wanting to leave the house and eating poorly again, I've gained almost 10lbs in about two months. It doesn't bother me, but I feel a bit of a different in my thighs and tummy. I like it, though I'm extremely conflicted.
Lately, I've been seriously fantasizing about gaining weight again big time, but there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't because I put so much work into getting healthier. It would be for myself - I've got no significant other - but I can already hear the criticism from my mother and comments from people once I start putting on weight again. I should add that I'm active in my community and spend a bit of time in the public eye around town for various things. I've never been able to handle comments (good or bad) about myself when they're directed towards my physical appearance.
It's just an idea I'm struggling with. I don't have a goal set in mind per se, but maybe slowly creep back up to 200lbs and take it from there. I did have a previous goal of 23olbs (and I made it!), but I think the highest I'd ever let myself get to would be 250lbs.
What do you guys think? Has anybody ever gained and lost and wanted to gain again? What did you do?
Thanks. :happy:
