Amaranthine
Adamant Anti-Nihilist
~BHM, ~FFA, ~Sex, Drama, Dark Romance - Two people lost to the harshness of reality push each other apart, only to discover a more hopeful future
[Author's Note: This is my first story, so try to bear with me. I know I write in a rather unusual fashion...hopefully it's not too disconcerting.]
Ya know, if you keep smoking that shit, its gonna kill ya some day. The cold hit me hard. Frozen flakes assaulted my face as they poured into the closing door. A breath of hot smoke blew into the cloud of snow around me.
Thanks for the advice, sunshine dust. He took another long drag on his cigarette, making the end flare orange against the dark of the night.
That what youre gonna try next? Another breath of smoke warmed the blackened air. He never would take the last word. Throughout our time in that hell of a building, he had never even reached for it. I suppose he doesnt find me worthwhile enough to waste the extra silence. Still, it kills me to watch him kill himself under that shroud of mystery.
I turned away, listening to the snow crunch under my footsteps as I made my way through the hazy glow of the streetlights. Sometimes I wonder if he watches me as I stride down the long journey home. Like he cares that much. Frigid wind blows harshly against my face, just like the reality that hell never accept me as his equal, let alone give me a chance. I cant help but think he needs it more than I do.
Why the hell do I still even think about this? He looks me over day after day. I avoid conversation just to prevent another fight. My pace hastens through the freshly fallen powder as I tromp through the purity of its newly dusted crust. Sure its pretty now, but come tomorrow itll be as black as the city grime. Cest la vie.
The bus hobbled over the frozen rocks of ice as the sun stroked the morning sky, carrying Sana into another day of monotony. Every day that ride grew more awkward, because she knew it dragged her closer to him. Now she only got a sideward glance from those icy eyes, which practically crackled as his pupils shifted ever so slightly in her direction. She feared his gaze would soon freeze away from her all together. Work didnt matter; then again not much did to her anymore. The passengers braced themselves as the bus jostled over the bumpy terrain. Even though the ride worsened as the temperate dropped, the repetition of the daily trek numbed the discomfort. Still, going in every day made her cringe.
As wheels drifted to a stop, only one woman stepped out into the surrounding snow. Her fiery hair flared up against the blandness of the city street as another gust of wind roused the cold in the air. A set of tracks made their way to the door of a dying building, each step hesitant as it crushed the virgin powder underfoot. She hated tarnishing that purity, though it was a bit late for the golden rule now. Her white veil had been breached long ago, leaving only torn shreds to cover her. Even though the fresh air burned her lungs, she inhaled deeply and held it in.
Maybe it was the hope she came in with, now thoroughly crushed, that made each day sting a little more. Instead of a fresh start, she found herself surrounded by a whole new torrent of conflicting emotions. The dilapidated lab loomed in front of her, reflected in the piercing green of her eyes, which now glowed against her frostbitten cheeks. Almost robotically, her legs walked the short distance left to the door. Maybe he wont be here today, she mused, but thats just unnecessary optimism. Its the same every day.
That what youre gonna try next?
As she walks away, the snow keeps falling and the world goes on unchanged. What a surprise. Another draw will just make the burn worse, but still the smoldering cigarette finds its way back to my lips. Maybe it will kill me some day. I cant help but wonder if she says that out of concern or spite, but some questions are never meant to be answered. She walks home so quickly just to get out of the cold, not because shes conscious of me watching her slip away. She speaks so bitterly because she hates who I am, not because she has anything to hide. Our relationship has grown so caustic because thats how its meant to be. No need to read into it too much.
So much for putting up a defense; it only gave me something to defend against. Way to take things out of hand. So I had a crush on her, big fucking deal. My real mistake was believing it could actually turn into something. If I hadnt maybe things would be different. Maybe I never would have pushed her away just to protect myself, put up a façade of coldness just to make sure her warmth couldnt get to me. Oh well, all said and done now. I feel ashamed for even thinking that she could be attracted to me.
An icy breeze quashes the flame of my lighter, just before it hits the tip of a fresh cig. Worth relighting? Sure, might as well drain this pack too. Crushing the container over a pile of burnt butts, I look up only to see that shes out of sight now.
Lucien watched the sun slowly start to warm the somber grayness of the sky from one of the labs cloudy windows. He savored the solitude; no one else got to work as early as he did. Surprisingly, Sana usually got in second, but he knew that was only by the grace of public trans. He sauntered back and forth, waiting for time to bring her closer to him once again. Feeling his thighs brush together as he paced made him cringe. He slid his hands down over his shirt, fingertips sinking in as they skimmed over his lovehandles. Upon catching his reflection in the window, he relegated himself to sitting and pretending to work as a distraction.
For awhile now, he called this his reality. Sure, college went well. Maybe a bit too well. After graduating, the coldness of the world hit him unforgivingly. He got by with a small apartment and a dead end job, reassuring himself something better would come along soon enough. But weeks turned to months, and slowly he realized that he was going nowhere. Going nowhere alone, to add insult to injury. As the days dragged on, his spirit dwindled and fewer things could brighten his ever-darkening existence.
Instead of waking up every morning to run, he slept in hoping to build up enough energy to make it through the second shift. The thought that this might never end plagued him, allowing no respite from his long work days. When cooking became too much of an effort, he resorted to fast food and frozen dinners for most of his meals. Even after getting a manager position at the lab, he didnt fall out of the habit. Mounting stress and a softening waistline just led him to light up to help cope with his growing self-hatred. Even so, the new position gave him the resolve to put up a façade of confidence; if he couldnt make things better, at least he could convince everyone else that they were already good.
The low rumble of a motor softly invaded his silence, rousing him to get up and return to his perch behind the window. There she was, just like every other morning, gorgeous against the decrepit excuse of a city. She stepped so hesitantly, unlike her frantic pace to escape in the late evenings, he noted. Soon she would walk through that door once again, and like every other day, Lucien would freeze. Especially after last night, Im not sure I can even look at her today, he mused, coldly and lit another cig.
I shook my hair softly before pushing the heavy door open, wanting to make the best impression possible. The scarcely furnished room hummed with silence, sheltering only a handful of people from the thunderstorm lighting up the thick, summer air. I grabbed a seat in the front against the wall, waiting in anticipation to see what would happen. This is finally it; the college days are over and I can finally take the world for myself. Admittedly, this being my first internship, nervousness welled up inside of me before I even took a step inside. But everything would be fine this is what Ive been waiting for after all.
After a bit of waiting, the door finally starts to creak open. Good god. Hes gorgeous. For the briefest moment, his midnight blue eyes meet with mine as he walks up to the front of the room, pausing to sweep a lock of soft, black hair out of his face. With each step, his belly bounces ever so slightly as his hips push his love handles up and down. He leans back against the front wall, his shirt wrapping snugly around the soft curves of his body. Reminding myself to breathe, I cant help but think that Im in for far more than I bargained for.
A slight curve played over the stern severity in his expression. He keenly scanned the room in silence. Even his demeanor is sexy so mysterious.
Evening everyone. Im Lucien Michaelis. Welcome to Aperture Laboratories. Today Ill just
I couldnt bring myself to sacrifice the images going through my mind to pay attention to his words. I imagined his soft body pressed up against mine, his arms holding me tight as he caressed my lips with his own. As I catch myself scoping out his ring finger, decidedly barren, I realize that maybe Im going a bit too far into this. Why am I so attracted to him? Its not like I spent my college years lonely, just dissatisfied. I never had trouble hooking men, and Ive had my fair share of athletic, pretty boys. Letting them go was just as easy. My friends never understood why I didnt fawn over them, with their charismatic personas and well-toned muscles. More than anything, I did it just for the company.
But this feels so different. I should focus on the work that I know will come at me, but fuck it. He seems so confident and cold; I cant resist the urge to peel back the layers and explore the warmth that hides underneath. He looks over the room with another icily amused glare.
and Ill see you all on Monday.
Cant wait.
Evening everyone. Im Lucien Michaelis. Welcome to Aperture Laboratories. Today Ill just
Finally, autopilot kicks in. Worries forced to the back of my mind, I try to exude a rather arrogant confidence. Cold and withdrawn, I silently flaunt the iota of power that barely holds me above everyone else in the room. Leaning against the wall behind me, I notice my shirt pulling tight against my belly, pants cutting into the softness of my waist. Damn it. I just bought these last month, they shouldnt be so snug already. No, no, it doesnt matter if they notice. If only in this room, Im better than the rest of them.
Theyll never know about the nights spent alone, the months I found myself sinking further into the darkness of reality. To them, I havent a worry in the world. Looking around the cramped room, most of them just blend in to the blandness of their surroundings. Except for one. She sits in the corner, gently twirling her rain-dampened hair. Her eyes hold a certain light, foreign to everyone long acquainted with the dull hopelessness of the city. The sadness of life itself had not yet weathered away that pure, hopeful ambition. Her beauty is unmistakable. Though she looks aloof and distracted, I can tell her eyes are focused right on me. Just another reason to keep up the act.
The next few weeks will serve as an introduction of sorts
Yet still, I want to be closer to her. She reminds me of everything I used to be, of a time before life hit me. Maybe I can get to know her a bit. Heh, likely. Im barely confident enough to stand up here and talk to a bunch of strangers, let alone to wander down the path of a hopeless romantic endeavor. But who knows. This is a new start after all.
Im looking forward to meeting all of you more personally, and Ill see you all on Monday.
But really, Im only looking forward to meeting her.
Sana walked through the door, taking refuge from the winter air. Some refuge this is, she thought, slipping off her coat and heading for the stairs. With each step, she grew tenser knowing he would be there. Knowing only he would be there. Secretly, she took the early bus just so she could see him, clinging on to the diminishing hope that something might happen. Though, shed just about given up. She still remembered that first Monday so clearly. Not even the hot, sticky air could penetrate her aura of optimism. Just like today, she had sauntered up the steps, excitedly nervous to see him again.
She stepped up next to him, drinking in the fact that her body seemed so small compared to his. The deep smoothness of his voice enraptured her, and she let herself stand there mindlessly as he finished talking with one of her new coworkers.
Excuse me?
Oh, she snapped out of her trance quickly, averting her eyes from his well-padded torso up to his eyes, Im Sana Rielle.
Yes, I know. I did just address you as such. Lucien cringed, wondering why she was staring at him like that. Assuming the worst, he put up a defensive shell. He wouldnt succumb to his desire, believing she deserved better anyway. What did he have to offer? Life had dominated his spirit and his body. Maybe he would have went for it 200lbs ago. If he pushed her away, they both would avoid the damage, or so he thought.
Im sorry I suppose the heat is just getting to me today. She didnt have to tell him what kind of heat, of course.
Surely. Please, walk around. Get acquainted with your coworkers. He walked away.
After that, things just got colder between the two. He kept pushing her away, extinguishing her fervent desire to become a part of his life. Each day, the job grew more monotonous with no hope of romance to keep her going. Quite the contrary to her expectations, the increasing tension between them made things even worse. She watched helplessly as he destroyed himself, smoking the evenings away after everyone had left. The dropping temperature started to get to her, eating at the ambition she arrived with. Soon enough, the contrast between the drabness of her life and the dazzling excitement of the fantasy reality she had dreamed up started to break her.
Pushing the reminiscent thoughts from her mind, Sana continued to the top of the staircase and rounded the corner, only to see him sitting there with another cigarette to his lips. He wore the same shirt as the first day she saw him, though now it clung even tighter around his soft form. She couldnt deny that she found him even more attractive, but that just made everything hurt worse. Predictably, he didnt even glance at her as she took a seat in the silence room. Just minutes before, he decided he couldnt bear to see the dullness that had filled her eyes. He was too ashamed for having pushed her away, especially now watching her slip down the same path that he had. His insecurity had fostered her own.
He could feel her stare at the back of his head.
Could I try?
He turned around, bemused. For the first time in awhile, he gazed into her face. Her eyes looked tired, weary from the tribulations of the world.
Try what?
She gestured to the cigarette nestled between his fingers. Automatically, he resorted back to hiding beneath his facetiously haughty air.
Bad habit to start, love. Might kill you some day.
Her expression remained stagnant, conveying her resolve. Unfortunately, he thought, that resolve only marks the absence of hope. Reluctantly, he handed it over. Looking at it tentatively, she pressed the end against her mouth, savoring that her lips were now where his had been. She inhaled deeply, coughing as the smoke hit her lungs. Lucien promptly rose, poured a glass of cold water from the tap and set it next to her. Looking up at him, she once again got caught in his cerulean eyes, shaded even deeper by the sadness he fought so hard to hide. She looked away, wiping the tears from her eyes and taking a sip of the water.
You alright?
She choked on the water a bit, eventually swallowing. Her throat still burned. Fuck
Its harsh when you first start. Not too unlike life...
Mmm. She just sat there, sipping at the water. Realizing to the full extent what he was doing to himself, Sana dropped the cigarette on the floor and crushed it beneath her foot.
Why do you do it? The words fell from her mouth and hung in the silent air. Lucien squirmed uncomfortably, wondering just where she wanted to go with this.
Why did you? It was the most succinct version of the truth he could think of. Before she could answer, if she even intended to, another coworker walked through the door. The conversation ended.
The day passed by slowly as I wandered about my work, stuck in a cloudy daze. I couldnt stop thinking about that morning, the conversation that had passed between the two of us. For a bit, it almost seemed like he cared about me, but thats just an illusion from overthinking these things. He cant even begin to understand how I feel. So many dreams crushed in so little time. Shuffling about the lab, I catch a glance eye to eye with him. Sadness? Pfft, what am I thinking? Earlier probably meant nothing to him.
The day finally ended, the light from the window fading to a deep orange. Its weird to actually see a sunset in the winter. Usually clouds fill the sky, stifling any hint of light that might hide behind them. As the days grow longer, I suppose Ill get to see this more often while I walk home. Hesitantly, I pull myself away from the window and walk downstairs, worried that as soon as I walk outside, Ill find him standing there as always.
I push the door open, stepping out into the fresh air. It smells a bit sweeter than usual, like the warm golden glow from the sun. Without the fog of the window obscuring the view, I stand awestruck for a moment admiring the painted sky. Until a hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my reverie. Sooner than I could react, I find myself in his arms, sinking into his torso. He pressed his lips up against mine, softly kissing me. Feeling my body go limp, I slid my hands over his sides, pushing my fingers into the softness as I kissed him back.
Once the shock passed, I pushed him off me and stepped back. I stared at him with a confused look, unknowing of how I should feel. How did I feel? Like my body had been set on fire. Every inch of me wanted to be back up against him, caressing every curve of his soft body. Upon seeing my expression, he walked away hurriedly, leaving me standing there speechless.
What just happened? I wish I could have told him I loved every second of it.
[Author's Note: This is my first story, so try to bear with me. I know I write in a rather unusual fashion...hopefully it's not too disconcerting.]
Growing Closer
By Amaranthine
By Amaranthine
Ya know, if you keep smoking that shit, its gonna kill ya some day. The cold hit me hard. Frozen flakes assaulted my face as they poured into the closing door. A breath of hot smoke blew into the cloud of snow around me.
Thanks for the advice, sunshine dust. He took another long drag on his cigarette, making the end flare orange against the dark of the night.
That what youre gonna try next? Another breath of smoke warmed the blackened air. He never would take the last word. Throughout our time in that hell of a building, he had never even reached for it. I suppose he doesnt find me worthwhile enough to waste the extra silence. Still, it kills me to watch him kill himself under that shroud of mystery.
I turned away, listening to the snow crunch under my footsteps as I made my way through the hazy glow of the streetlights. Sometimes I wonder if he watches me as I stride down the long journey home. Like he cares that much. Frigid wind blows harshly against my face, just like the reality that hell never accept me as his equal, let alone give me a chance. I cant help but think he needs it more than I do.
Why the hell do I still even think about this? He looks me over day after day. I avoid conversation just to prevent another fight. My pace hastens through the freshly fallen powder as I tromp through the purity of its newly dusted crust. Sure its pretty now, but come tomorrow itll be as black as the city grime. Cest la vie.
~
The bus hobbled over the frozen rocks of ice as the sun stroked the morning sky, carrying Sana into another day of monotony. Every day that ride grew more awkward, because she knew it dragged her closer to him. Now she only got a sideward glance from those icy eyes, which practically crackled as his pupils shifted ever so slightly in her direction. She feared his gaze would soon freeze away from her all together. Work didnt matter; then again not much did to her anymore. The passengers braced themselves as the bus jostled over the bumpy terrain. Even though the ride worsened as the temperate dropped, the repetition of the daily trek numbed the discomfort. Still, going in every day made her cringe.
As wheels drifted to a stop, only one woman stepped out into the surrounding snow. Her fiery hair flared up against the blandness of the city street as another gust of wind roused the cold in the air. A set of tracks made their way to the door of a dying building, each step hesitant as it crushed the virgin powder underfoot. She hated tarnishing that purity, though it was a bit late for the golden rule now. Her white veil had been breached long ago, leaving only torn shreds to cover her. Even though the fresh air burned her lungs, she inhaled deeply and held it in.
Maybe it was the hope she came in with, now thoroughly crushed, that made each day sting a little more. Instead of a fresh start, she found herself surrounded by a whole new torrent of conflicting emotions. The dilapidated lab loomed in front of her, reflected in the piercing green of her eyes, which now glowed against her frostbitten cheeks. Almost robotically, her legs walked the short distance left to the door. Maybe he wont be here today, she mused, but thats just unnecessary optimism. Its the same every day.
~
That what youre gonna try next?
As she walks away, the snow keeps falling and the world goes on unchanged. What a surprise. Another draw will just make the burn worse, but still the smoldering cigarette finds its way back to my lips. Maybe it will kill me some day. I cant help but wonder if she says that out of concern or spite, but some questions are never meant to be answered. She walks home so quickly just to get out of the cold, not because shes conscious of me watching her slip away. She speaks so bitterly because she hates who I am, not because she has anything to hide. Our relationship has grown so caustic because thats how its meant to be. No need to read into it too much.
So much for putting up a defense; it only gave me something to defend against. Way to take things out of hand. So I had a crush on her, big fucking deal. My real mistake was believing it could actually turn into something. If I hadnt maybe things would be different. Maybe I never would have pushed her away just to protect myself, put up a façade of coldness just to make sure her warmth couldnt get to me. Oh well, all said and done now. I feel ashamed for even thinking that she could be attracted to me.
An icy breeze quashes the flame of my lighter, just before it hits the tip of a fresh cig. Worth relighting? Sure, might as well drain this pack too. Crushing the container over a pile of burnt butts, I look up only to see that shes out of sight now.
~
Lucien watched the sun slowly start to warm the somber grayness of the sky from one of the labs cloudy windows. He savored the solitude; no one else got to work as early as he did. Surprisingly, Sana usually got in second, but he knew that was only by the grace of public trans. He sauntered back and forth, waiting for time to bring her closer to him once again. Feeling his thighs brush together as he paced made him cringe. He slid his hands down over his shirt, fingertips sinking in as they skimmed over his lovehandles. Upon catching his reflection in the window, he relegated himself to sitting and pretending to work as a distraction.
For awhile now, he called this his reality. Sure, college went well. Maybe a bit too well. After graduating, the coldness of the world hit him unforgivingly. He got by with a small apartment and a dead end job, reassuring himself something better would come along soon enough. But weeks turned to months, and slowly he realized that he was going nowhere. Going nowhere alone, to add insult to injury. As the days dragged on, his spirit dwindled and fewer things could brighten his ever-darkening existence.
Instead of waking up every morning to run, he slept in hoping to build up enough energy to make it through the second shift. The thought that this might never end plagued him, allowing no respite from his long work days. When cooking became too much of an effort, he resorted to fast food and frozen dinners for most of his meals. Even after getting a manager position at the lab, he didnt fall out of the habit. Mounting stress and a softening waistline just led him to light up to help cope with his growing self-hatred. Even so, the new position gave him the resolve to put up a façade of confidence; if he couldnt make things better, at least he could convince everyone else that they were already good.
The low rumble of a motor softly invaded his silence, rousing him to get up and return to his perch behind the window. There she was, just like every other morning, gorgeous against the decrepit excuse of a city. She stepped so hesitantly, unlike her frantic pace to escape in the late evenings, he noted. Soon she would walk through that door once again, and like every other day, Lucien would freeze. Especially after last night, Im not sure I can even look at her today, he mused, coldly and lit another cig.
~
I shook my hair softly before pushing the heavy door open, wanting to make the best impression possible. The scarcely furnished room hummed with silence, sheltering only a handful of people from the thunderstorm lighting up the thick, summer air. I grabbed a seat in the front against the wall, waiting in anticipation to see what would happen. This is finally it; the college days are over and I can finally take the world for myself. Admittedly, this being my first internship, nervousness welled up inside of me before I even took a step inside. But everything would be fine this is what Ive been waiting for after all.
After a bit of waiting, the door finally starts to creak open. Good god. Hes gorgeous. For the briefest moment, his midnight blue eyes meet with mine as he walks up to the front of the room, pausing to sweep a lock of soft, black hair out of his face. With each step, his belly bounces ever so slightly as his hips push his love handles up and down. He leans back against the front wall, his shirt wrapping snugly around the soft curves of his body. Reminding myself to breathe, I cant help but think that Im in for far more than I bargained for.
A slight curve played over the stern severity in his expression. He keenly scanned the room in silence. Even his demeanor is sexy so mysterious.
Evening everyone. Im Lucien Michaelis. Welcome to Aperture Laboratories. Today Ill just
I couldnt bring myself to sacrifice the images going through my mind to pay attention to his words. I imagined his soft body pressed up against mine, his arms holding me tight as he caressed my lips with his own. As I catch myself scoping out his ring finger, decidedly barren, I realize that maybe Im going a bit too far into this. Why am I so attracted to him? Its not like I spent my college years lonely, just dissatisfied. I never had trouble hooking men, and Ive had my fair share of athletic, pretty boys. Letting them go was just as easy. My friends never understood why I didnt fawn over them, with their charismatic personas and well-toned muscles. More than anything, I did it just for the company.
But this feels so different. I should focus on the work that I know will come at me, but fuck it. He seems so confident and cold; I cant resist the urge to peel back the layers and explore the warmth that hides underneath. He looks over the room with another icily amused glare.
and Ill see you all on Monday.
Cant wait.
~
Evening everyone. Im Lucien Michaelis. Welcome to Aperture Laboratories. Today Ill just
Finally, autopilot kicks in. Worries forced to the back of my mind, I try to exude a rather arrogant confidence. Cold and withdrawn, I silently flaunt the iota of power that barely holds me above everyone else in the room. Leaning against the wall behind me, I notice my shirt pulling tight against my belly, pants cutting into the softness of my waist. Damn it. I just bought these last month, they shouldnt be so snug already. No, no, it doesnt matter if they notice. If only in this room, Im better than the rest of them.
Theyll never know about the nights spent alone, the months I found myself sinking further into the darkness of reality. To them, I havent a worry in the world. Looking around the cramped room, most of them just blend in to the blandness of their surroundings. Except for one. She sits in the corner, gently twirling her rain-dampened hair. Her eyes hold a certain light, foreign to everyone long acquainted with the dull hopelessness of the city. The sadness of life itself had not yet weathered away that pure, hopeful ambition. Her beauty is unmistakable. Though she looks aloof and distracted, I can tell her eyes are focused right on me. Just another reason to keep up the act.
The next few weeks will serve as an introduction of sorts
Yet still, I want to be closer to her. She reminds me of everything I used to be, of a time before life hit me. Maybe I can get to know her a bit. Heh, likely. Im barely confident enough to stand up here and talk to a bunch of strangers, let alone to wander down the path of a hopeless romantic endeavor. But who knows. This is a new start after all.
Im looking forward to meeting all of you more personally, and Ill see you all on Monday.
But really, Im only looking forward to meeting her.
~
Sana walked through the door, taking refuge from the winter air. Some refuge this is, she thought, slipping off her coat and heading for the stairs. With each step, she grew tenser knowing he would be there. Knowing only he would be there. Secretly, she took the early bus just so she could see him, clinging on to the diminishing hope that something might happen. Though, shed just about given up. She still remembered that first Monday so clearly. Not even the hot, sticky air could penetrate her aura of optimism. Just like today, she had sauntered up the steps, excitedly nervous to see him again.
She stepped up next to him, drinking in the fact that her body seemed so small compared to his. The deep smoothness of his voice enraptured her, and she let herself stand there mindlessly as he finished talking with one of her new coworkers.
Excuse me?
Oh, she snapped out of her trance quickly, averting her eyes from his well-padded torso up to his eyes, Im Sana Rielle.
Yes, I know. I did just address you as such. Lucien cringed, wondering why she was staring at him like that. Assuming the worst, he put up a defensive shell. He wouldnt succumb to his desire, believing she deserved better anyway. What did he have to offer? Life had dominated his spirit and his body. Maybe he would have went for it 200lbs ago. If he pushed her away, they both would avoid the damage, or so he thought.
Im sorry I suppose the heat is just getting to me today. She didnt have to tell him what kind of heat, of course.
Surely. Please, walk around. Get acquainted with your coworkers. He walked away.
After that, things just got colder between the two. He kept pushing her away, extinguishing her fervent desire to become a part of his life. Each day, the job grew more monotonous with no hope of romance to keep her going. Quite the contrary to her expectations, the increasing tension between them made things even worse. She watched helplessly as he destroyed himself, smoking the evenings away after everyone had left. The dropping temperature started to get to her, eating at the ambition she arrived with. Soon enough, the contrast between the drabness of her life and the dazzling excitement of the fantasy reality she had dreamed up started to break her.
Pushing the reminiscent thoughts from her mind, Sana continued to the top of the staircase and rounded the corner, only to see him sitting there with another cigarette to his lips. He wore the same shirt as the first day she saw him, though now it clung even tighter around his soft form. She couldnt deny that she found him even more attractive, but that just made everything hurt worse. Predictably, he didnt even glance at her as she took a seat in the silence room. Just minutes before, he decided he couldnt bear to see the dullness that had filled her eyes. He was too ashamed for having pushed her away, especially now watching her slip down the same path that he had. His insecurity had fostered her own.
He could feel her stare at the back of his head.
Could I try?
~
He turned around, bemused. For the first time in awhile, he gazed into her face. Her eyes looked tired, weary from the tribulations of the world.
Try what?
She gestured to the cigarette nestled between his fingers. Automatically, he resorted back to hiding beneath his facetiously haughty air.
Bad habit to start, love. Might kill you some day.
Her expression remained stagnant, conveying her resolve. Unfortunately, he thought, that resolve only marks the absence of hope. Reluctantly, he handed it over. Looking at it tentatively, she pressed the end against her mouth, savoring that her lips were now where his had been. She inhaled deeply, coughing as the smoke hit her lungs. Lucien promptly rose, poured a glass of cold water from the tap and set it next to her. Looking up at him, she once again got caught in his cerulean eyes, shaded even deeper by the sadness he fought so hard to hide. She looked away, wiping the tears from her eyes and taking a sip of the water.
You alright?
She choked on the water a bit, eventually swallowing. Her throat still burned. Fuck
Its harsh when you first start. Not too unlike life...
Mmm. She just sat there, sipping at the water. Realizing to the full extent what he was doing to himself, Sana dropped the cigarette on the floor and crushed it beneath her foot.
Why do you do it? The words fell from her mouth and hung in the silent air. Lucien squirmed uncomfortably, wondering just where she wanted to go with this.
Why did you? It was the most succinct version of the truth he could think of. Before she could answer, if she even intended to, another coworker walked through the door. The conversation ended.
~
The day passed by slowly as I wandered about my work, stuck in a cloudy daze. I couldnt stop thinking about that morning, the conversation that had passed between the two of us. For a bit, it almost seemed like he cared about me, but thats just an illusion from overthinking these things. He cant even begin to understand how I feel. So many dreams crushed in so little time. Shuffling about the lab, I catch a glance eye to eye with him. Sadness? Pfft, what am I thinking? Earlier probably meant nothing to him.
The day finally ended, the light from the window fading to a deep orange. Its weird to actually see a sunset in the winter. Usually clouds fill the sky, stifling any hint of light that might hide behind them. As the days grow longer, I suppose Ill get to see this more often while I walk home. Hesitantly, I pull myself away from the window and walk downstairs, worried that as soon as I walk outside, Ill find him standing there as always.
I push the door open, stepping out into the fresh air. It smells a bit sweeter than usual, like the warm golden glow from the sun. Without the fog of the window obscuring the view, I stand awestruck for a moment admiring the painted sky. Until a hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my reverie. Sooner than I could react, I find myself in his arms, sinking into his torso. He pressed his lips up against mine, softly kissing me. Feeling my body go limp, I slid my hands over his sides, pushing my fingers into the softness as I kissed him back.
Once the shock passed, I pushed him off me and stepped back. I stared at him with a confused look, unknowing of how I should feel. How did I feel? Like my body had been set on fire. Every inch of me wanted to be back up against him, caressing every curve of his soft body. Upon seeing my expression, he walked away hurriedly, leaving me standing there speechless.
What just happened? I wish I could have told him I loved every second of it.
