(Cross posted with a short edit at the bottom.) I'm posting this on the general/main forum hoping that's allowed because I'd like as much input as possible. If it is better suited somewhere else I understand.
Any help would be much appreciated, and apologies for the length but I have a lot to talk about.
I'm one of those seemingly rare women with a sexual attraction to fat men, so much so that I would go so far to say that it transcends the realm of attraction and enters that of fetishism. Having been a bbw model for a while now I've been on the receiving end of fat admiration and fetish for quite some time. I know that being attracted to fat and having a preference for a fat partner does not necessarily mean it is fetishistic attraction (though sometimes it is). Fetish, as I've come to understand the word, involves something that has to be present in order to feel sexual arousal. For many FAs there is of course a strong preference for a fat female, but it may not be completely necessary to achieve arousal.
I've been in a stable, loving long distance relationship for two years with a man I want to marry. When I met him he did not fit my current 'standards' of what I was looking for in a man, but we clicked like puzzle pieces and soon he reformed my views on attractiveness essentially back to what they had always been before other relationships tossed me a loop (I won't get into that here, life is dynamic). Now I can't imagine life without him.
He was fat when we met; maybe around 280-90 pounds. He thickened up to 330 over the course of our relationship, until recently. I always thought he enjoyed his size, and we certainly experience(d) a lot of fun times due to our extra weight. I recall fondly giving and receiving belly rubs after large meals, how when we hugged the first thing I'd feel was his soft belly pressing up against my own. We would lay in bed together after waking up and just fondle each other for a couple hours, talking about how thin couples must get so bored. Everything was perfect. Apparently too perfect.
We both had a rough spring this year, and had our own issues to deal with. Eventually it was decided that I would come down and stay with him and his family in California for the first half of the summer and take a college class with him. Not long before coming down I found out he'd lost quite a bit of weight; 20 pounds or more. I thought it was due to spring stress and he voiced that he was fine with me fattening him back up while I was visiting, and I looked forward to it. I'm a feeder/encourager at heart (as some of you no doubt know) and I got the support of likeminded friends and baked him a batch of chocolate chip cookies, which he enjoyed.
It wasn't until I was here a couple days that I found out he had actually been on a diet before I arrived. I was unsure why I was the last to find that out. I knew his family was strict about food and very weight and health concious, but seeing that things hadn't been a huge deal over the last two years I hadn't thought much of it. I voiced some concerns to him about causing some kind of conflict with his family if he fattened back up again, but he assured me there was no conflict.
Then I realized something that sparked a messy turn of events, at least messy in terms of my emotional stability. I realized that when I leave for the summer he'll be going back on his diet, and no doubt lose more weight. It was that single realization that shook my entire reality and put me in a position where I had to think about my internal feelings and how I've been looking at my world.
My boyfriend is attracted to fat women, prefers them, but he is one of those types of FAs that does not require it for sexual arousal. I, on the other hand, do. Fat is more than a preference for me, it's a necessity. I know that the more weight he loses the less sexually attractive I will find him. I don't like this about myself but it's not something I can change. I'm afraid that if we were to be together and he became thinner and stayed there, I would seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I would be no better than men married to thin wives who look at fat porn online, only I'd be tempted to take it a step further (I'm not perfect).
I do not see this potential lack of attraction as grounds for leaving him, however. He has been everything I could hope for in a man and more, and while I know I'd have no trouble finding other male suitors, I am very much in love with him as a person, and this is just something that needs to be worked out. I know I've said in the past that if you aren't attracted to someone then you should seek out someone who fills that need, but having been put in the potential situation myself I find I'm faced with a different viewpoint (isn't that how life works?).
As I mentioned, throughout this situation I've realized a great many things about myself. I realize I've been living my fantasy. My fantasy has never been seperate from my reality until now, and I've plummeted back down to earth. I realize I've been selfish, manipulative, and controlling without thinking about it or meaning to be, and no one has ever stepped up and told me to my face. I haven't given enough thought to the viewpoints of others. This transcends the situation with my boyfriend and permeates other aspects of my life as well. Looking inward at yourself and your flaws is an extremely hard thing to do. I need to let go of this control. I need to accept my boyfriend's choices about who he is and who he wants to be...
Which is somewhat frustrating, since he doesn't have strong feelings either way. He's doing the diet so his family stops bitching, and he tends to indulge more under my influence. His body size to him isn't important in the same way it is to me. He has mentioned he wouldn't mind "trying out" 200 pounds or so (small on his 6' frame) just to see what it's like since he's always been somewhat plush. And I'll be supportive of that if it's truly what he wants, even though the sexual attraction won't be there.
And now finally this brings me to my current dilemma (if you read through all of that I'm impressed). My boyfriend is still currently quite plush and extremely attractive to me in every sense of the word, even though he's shrunk some since I last saw him. However I find that now, having realized all of these things about myself, I can no longer touch him or fondle his gorgeous body without thinking about how much smaller he'll be the next time we're together. It depresses me to tears and I can't find enjoyment out of the one thing I'm most attracted to. I want to enjoy his size while he's still big. I was all ready to take artistic photos of his delicious fat body on this trip, but if I tried now I'd burst into tears while holding the camera. I was looking forward to fun fat adventures in bed, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy that either. Worst of all, because I feel like I can't enjoy his fat I don't really want him touching and playing with mine either. We both want to solve this problem but we're not sure what to do. I know I still have to make some changes on my side but we're not sure where to go from here.
Again, any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your time.
~Aurora
Edit: After I posted this on another board having had him read the post in it's entirety we went for a walk together. It was awkward at first, both of us upset. I thought I had upset him by not allowing him to touch my plush, which was my way of saying "this is how it feels." What I didn't realize is he misinterpreted that into feelings of personal inadequacy, which I didn't intend for. I realize now the entire thing was simply another manipulation that would do nothing to solve the problem; only to make me feel better at the time.
After an embrace and a small break down in the park things took a complete 180 degree turn and it was as if nothing had happened. I tried my best to live in the moment rather than think about the ideals of the past and worry about the future. We went mini golfing and hit up a movie, and had an excellent time. Then this morning I took nude photographs of him and didn't cry.
In fact, I think the reason I've taken this turn and have been able to grope him and love on his chub is because I still have feelings of hope that, even if he loses weight in the short term, that he'll be big again in the long term. This doesn't solve the issue but it does keep my emotions stable.
I will admit that I'm still confused and frustrated, but I also realize there isn't much I can do about it. I'm going to be down here another 6 weeks and I want us both to enjoy every minute of it. Telling him "I'm going to miss this" while holding his belly doesn't make things better at all, but it's honest and hard not to say. I realize this is manipulative and something I need to stop doing as it just adds to the hurt on both sides. At the same time I'm receiving so many conflicting messages from him that scream "I love being fat" and that's something I've been attracted to in our relationship since the beginning.
Again, any help would be appreciated. I know some of you have been faced with similar situations. I never thought I'd be on this side of it.
~Aurora
Any help would be much appreciated, and apologies for the length but I have a lot to talk about.
I'm one of those seemingly rare women with a sexual attraction to fat men, so much so that I would go so far to say that it transcends the realm of attraction and enters that of fetishism. Having been a bbw model for a while now I've been on the receiving end of fat admiration and fetish for quite some time. I know that being attracted to fat and having a preference for a fat partner does not necessarily mean it is fetishistic attraction (though sometimes it is). Fetish, as I've come to understand the word, involves something that has to be present in order to feel sexual arousal. For many FAs there is of course a strong preference for a fat female, but it may not be completely necessary to achieve arousal.
I've been in a stable, loving long distance relationship for two years with a man I want to marry. When I met him he did not fit my current 'standards' of what I was looking for in a man, but we clicked like puzzle pieces and soon he reformed my views on attractiveness essentially back to what they had always been before other relationships tossed me a loop (I won't get into that here, life is dynamic). Now I can't imagine life without him.
He was fat when we met; maybe around 280-90 pounds. He thickened up to 330 over the course of our relationship, until recently. I always thought he enjoyed his size, and we certainly experience(d) a lot of fun times due to our extra weight. I recall fondly giving and receiving belly rubs after large meals, how when we hugged the first thing I'd feel was his soft belly pressing up against my own. We would lay in bed together after waking up and just fondle each other for a couple hours, talking about how thin couples must get so bored. Everything was perfect. Apparently too perfect.
We both had a rough spring this year, and had our own issues to deal with. Eventually it was decided that I would come down and stay with him and his family in California for the first half of the summer and take a college class with him. Not long before coming down I found out he'd lost quite a bit of weight; 20 pounds or more. I thought it was due to spring stress and he voiced that he was fine with me fattening him back up while I was visiting, and I looked forward to it. I'm a feeder/encourager at heart (as some of you no doubt know) and I got the support of likeminded friends and baked him a batch of chocolate chip cookies, which he enjoyed.
It wasn't until I was here a couple days that I found out he had actually been on a diet before I arrived. I was unsure why I was the last to find that out. I knew his family was strict about food and very weight and health concious, but seeing that things hadn't been a huge deal over the last two years I hadn't thought much of it. I voiced some concerns to him about causing some kind of conflict with his family if he fattened back up again, but he assured me there was no conflict.
Then I realized something that sparked a messy turn of events, at least messy in terms of my emotional stability. I realized that when I leave for the summer he'll be going back on his diet, and no doubt lose more weight. It was that single realization that shook my entire reality and put me in a position where I had to think about my internal feelings and how I've been looking at my world.
My boyfriend is attracted to fat women, prefers them, but he is one of those types of FAs that does not require it for sexual arousal. I, on the other hand, do. Fat is more than a preference for me, it's a necessity. I know that the more weight he loses the less sexually attractive I will find him. I don't like this about myself but it's not something I can change. I'm afraid that if we were to be together and he became thinner and stayed there, I would seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I would be no better than men married to thin wives who look at fat porn online, only I'd be tempted to take it a step further (I'm not perfect).
I do not see this potential lack of attraction as grounds for leaving him, however. He has been everything I could hope for in a man and more, and while I know I'd have no trouble finding other male suitors, I am very much in love with him as a person, and this is just something that needs to be worked out. I know I've said in the past that if you aren't attracted to someone then you should seek out someone who fills that need, but having been put in the potential situation myself I find I'm faced with a different viewpoint (isn't that how life works?).
As I mentioned, throughout this situation I've realized a great many things about myself. I realize I've been living my fantasy. My fantasy has never been seperate from my reality until now, and I've plummeted back down to earth. I realize I've been selfish, manipulative, and controlling without thinking about it or meaning to be, and no one has ever stepped up and told me to my face. I haven't given enough thought to the viewpoints of others. This transcends the situation with my boyfriend and permeates other aspects of my life as well. Looking inward at yourself and your flaws is an extremely hard thing to do. I need to let go of this control. I need to accept my boyfriend's choices about who he is and who he wants to be...
Which is somewhat frustrating, since he doesn't have strong feelings either way. He's doing the diet so his family stops bitching, and he tends to indulge more under my influence. His body size to him isn't important in the same way it is to me. He has mentioned he wouldn't mind "trying out" 200 pounds or so (small on his 6' frame) just to see what it's like since he's always been somewhat plush. And I'll be supportive of that if it's truly what he wants, even though the sexual attraction won't be there.
And now finally this brings me to my current dilemma (if you read through all of that I'm impressed). My boyfriend is still currently quite plush and extremely attractive to me in every sense of the word, even though he's shrunk some since I last saw him. However I find that now, having realized all of these things about myself, I can no longer touch him or fondle his gorgeous body without thinking about how much smaller he'll be the next time we're together. It depresses me to tears and I can't find enjoyment out of the one thing I'm most attracted to. I want to enjoy his size while he's still big. I was all ready to take artistic photos of his delicious fat body on this trip, but if I tried now I'd burst into tears while holding the camera. I was looking forward to fun fat adventures in bed, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy that either. Worst of all, because I feel like I can't enjoy his fat I don't really want him touching and playing with mine either. We both want to solve this problem but we're not sure what to do. I know I still have to make some changes on my side but we're not sure where to go from here.
Again, any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your time.
~Aurora
Edit: After I posted this on another board having had him read the post in it's entirety we went for a walk together. It was awkward at first, both of us upset. I thought I had upset him by not allowing him to touch my plush, which was my way of saying "this is how it feels." What I didn't realize is he misinterpreted that into feelings of personal inadequacy, which I didn't intend for. I realize now the entire thing was simply another manipulation that would do nothing to solve the problem; only to make me feel better at the time.
After an embrace and a small break down in the park things took a complete 180 degree turn and it was as if nothing had happened. I tried my best to live in the moment rather than think about the ideals of the past and worry about the future. We went mini golfing and hit up a movie, and had an excellent time. Then this morning I took nude photographs of him and didn't cry.
In fact, I think the reason I've taken this turn and have been able to grope him and love on his chub is because I still have feelings of hope that, even if he loses weight in the short term, that he'll be big again in the long term. This doesn't solve the issue but it does keep my emotions stable.
I will admit that I'm still confused and frustrated, but I also realize there isn't much I can do about it. I'm going to be down here another 6 weeks and I want us both to enjoy every minute of it. Telling him "I'm going to miss this" while holding his belly doesn't make things better at all, but it's honest and hard not to say. I realize this is manipulative and something I need to stop doing as it just adds to the hurt on both sides. At the same time I'm receiving so many conflicting messages from him that scream "I love being fat" and that's something I've been attracted to in our relationship since the beginning.
Again, any help would be appreciated. I know some of you have been faced with similar situations. I never thought I'd be on this side of it.
~Aurora
