As the title says, I have a huge problem and, although I don't know any of you in real life, I feel like this is the only place I can voice it.
I think my engagement is ending
Some background: when I first met my fiance, he was slightly thinner (but not much), yet I felt an incredible attraction to him because he seemed to have everything I wanted. We are mentally compatible, he is practically physically perfect (as far as I was concerned), and the best part, the part I had NEVER experienced with a bf - he seemed to exude such confidence in himself and apathy towards the opinions of general society. I had dealt with incredibly self conscious men in the past, and I knew I COULD NOT handle another one.
We've been together for a few years now, living together for about a year, and he has slowly gained a small amount of weight over time, mostly due to comfort, I would assume. I'm not sure of a numerical value, but it works out to about 4 pants sizes or something. As he gained, of course I found myself becoming ridiculously attracted to him; parts like his stomach and chest have been elevated to fetish status for me, and he really seems to enjoy being touched there. I also must mention that I have never had an orgasm or felt particularly sexually fulfilled in past relationships, again, due to the self-loathing expressed by previous partners (the mood is killed when the guy says, "don't touch my disgusting, flabby stomach"), but this time, everything seemed to be going SO perfectly. And just so we're clear, it wasn't just one-way perfection - I paid very close attention to his needs, figured out ALL his fetishes and learned ways to give him frequent, earth-shattering orgasms. I felt a lot of hope for us.
But nothing good ever lasts....
Over the last few months, we've had several small arguments. They always revolve around him not wanting me to touch the parts I like the most/me not liking the "right" parts of him/me indulging him 99% of the time, but not getting what I need in return/etc. Last night, he just lost it on me; he was so angry that I actually became afraid and went silent for a few hours. Basically, he hurled insults at me for liking his "moobs," then angrily lectured me on how "men don't have boobs, it's not fucking natural and it's revolting, despite what any website says. Anyone who lets themselves look like this is failing at life." And on and on and on. Then he goes on to say that he hates his chest, hates his stomach and, although he is too lazy to ever change them, he also refuses to ever try and like them, no matter what anyone says or does about it. If he ever gets to look like (a moderately fat character on a tv show we watch) he will kill himself. :blink:
I'm just so confused. Where did this come from??? I've known him for a long time, and there was never a hint that something like this would happen. I can't tell if he was freaking out because winter is coming and his SAD is having a bizarre flare-up, or if he is actually serious!
When we finally went to bed, he continued this verbal assault on me until he eventually said he "felt better." He passed out right away, but I lied awake for several hours, got up and paced the house, then cried myself to sleep. I don't think I've ever felt so utterly worthless.... My issue is partially that my hope of finally being sexually satisfied with a man has been destroyed, but I am also devastated that he harbours such resentment towards me, when all I've ever tried to do was please him and love him.
Now I'm just stuck in some sort of limbo. Either he really hates my love of his body and will just stop letting me touch him, or he was exaggerating because of the SAD, but now everything is tainted. By that I mean, how can I ever enjoy touching him again after hearing that? My pleasure is a function of his pleasure - I can't be satisfied unless he is, too. I love the guy to death and desperately want to find some kind of mutually beneficial solution to our problem, but after last night I'm really shaken up and can't think rationally.
If you managed to read all that, thank you. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by posting this...it's mostly just an airing of grievances, since I'd probably explode if I had to keep it all bottled up.
I think my engagement is ending
Some background: when I first met my fiance, he was slightly thinner (but not much), yet I felt an incredible attraction to him because he seemed to have everything I wanted. We are mentally compatible, he is practically physically perfect (as far as I was concerned), and the best part, the part I had NEVER experienced with a bf - he seemed to exude such confidence in himself and apathy towards the opinions of general society. I had dealt with incredibly self conscious men in the past, and I knew I COULD NOT handle another one.
We've been together for a few years now, living together for about a year, and he has slowly gained a small amount of weight over time, mostly due to comfort, I would assume. I'm not sure of a numerical value, but it works out to about 4 pants sizes or something. As he gained, of course I found myself becoming ridiculously attracted to him; parts like his stomach and chest have been elevated to fetish status for me, and he really seems to enjoy being touched there. I also must mention that I have never had an orgasm or felt particularly sexually fulfilled in past relationships, again, due to the self-loathing expressed by previous partners (the mood is killed when the guy says, "don't touch my disgusting, flabby stomach"), but this time, everything seemed to be going SO perfectly. And just so we're clear, it wasn't just one-way perfection - I paid very close attention to his needs, figured out ALL his fetishes and learned ways to give him frequent, earth-shattering orgasms. I felt a lot of hope for us.
But nothing good ever lasts....
Over the last few months, we've had several small arguments. They always revolve around him not wanting me to touch the parts I like the most/me not liking the "right" parts of him/me indulging him 99% of the time, but not getting what I need in return/etc. Last night, he just lost it on me; he was so angry that I actually became afraid and went silent for a few hours. Basically, he hurled insults at me for liking his "moobs," then angrily lectured me on how "men don't have boobs, it's not fucking natural and it's revolting, despite what any website says. Anyone who lets themselves look like this is failing at life." And on and on and on. Then he goes on to say that he hates his chest, hates his stomach and, although he is too lazy to ever change them, he also refuses to ever try and like them, no matter what anyone says or does about it. If he ever gets to look like (a moderately fat character on a tv show we watch) he will kill himself. :blink:
I'm just so confused. Where did this come from??? I've known him for a long time, and there was never a hint that something like this would happen. I can't tell if he was freaking out because winter is coming and his SAD is having a bizarre flare-up, or if he is actually serious!
When we finally went to bed, he continued this verbal assault on me until he eventually said he "felt better." He passed out right away, but I lied awake for several hours, got up and paced the house, then cried myself to sleep. I don't think I've ever felt so utterly worthless.... My issue is partially that my hope of finally being sexually satisfied with a man has been destroyed, but I am also devastated that he harbours such resentment towards me, when all I've ever tried to do was please him and love him.
Now I'm just stuck in some sort of limbo. Either he really hates my love of his body and will just stop letting me touch him, or he was exaggerating because of the SAD, but now everything is tainted. By that I mean, how can I ever enjoy touching him again after hearing that? My pleasure is a function of his pleasure - I can't be satisfied unless he is, too. I love the guy to death and desperately want to find some kind of mutually beneficial solution to our problem, but after last night I'm really shaken up and can't think rationally.
If you managed to read all that, thank you. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by posting this...it's mostly just an airing of grievances, since I'd probably explode if I had to keep it all bottled up.
