Hello, I'm new here, hopefully it's okay to post here.
I'm female, 21 years old and I weigh 296lb, so almost 300lb. It's only been like a year that I found out about fat acceptance, I haven't had much success getting into it though because I find myself getting more depressed, I have severe depression since I was 3-4 years old, my weight could be a part of it, I've been overweight since the minute I was born and I never had a good family relationships or a good childhood, I lived a miserable life and with awful self-esteem, I have always hated myself and felt worthless and ugly.
Before I recently found out about fat acceptance, I couldn't believe it even existed, I still can't believe it, I actually still have a hard time believing that there are people who are happy being fat and there are others who actually accept and love those fat people. I really truly agree that everyone of all sizes and shapes deserve all the love in the world, all the friendship and happiness and every sense of beauty and sexiness, I truly always believed that. I truly have always believed that a person no matter how much they weigh, no matter how they look, no matter how their body shape is like, they all deserve to feel beautiful and sexy and happy and everyone deserves love and admiration and care.
I do have awful self-esteem though, I've always suffered from severe depression all my life (many many different reasons) and I have always been "that" fat girl that hides in thick sweaters in 110 degree weather, I'm "that" fat girl who stands in the background and doesn't want to be seen,I'm "that" fat girl who never had friends, I'm shy and quiet and I literally hide away in my house for MONTHS so that nobody gets to "see" me. I don't want to be seen in public, I guess it's not completely because of my weight but also the severe depression, general social anxiety and yes I guess weight is also the reason. (wait, scratch that, NOT my weight that's the problem but my negative perception of my appearance)
Okay, I have a lot of issues to deal with, more than I could even list here, I struggle a lot with my self-worth and appearance too, I honestly have never experienced a guy finding me attractive, not once have I've experience a moment of feeling "pretty", not once in my life and I feel like that does affect me a lot.
I've been feeling really sad lately and I do often feel sad about this but I do have an amazing boyfriend, he is everything I ever wanted and needed and more, we had a deep bond, a deep connection, we've been together for almost 2 years now and he loves me unconditionally, he truly does love me and he takes care of me and comforts me and every single day he tells me how important I am to him, how precious I am to him. He is truly the most amazing boyfriend in the world BUT because I struggle with my self-esteem, I feel troubled because we're in a long distance relationship and so he doesn't get to see me physically much and he's actually a skinny guy and he is attracted to skinny girls and he "accepts" me, he loves me unconditionally no matter the weight but I don't think he finds me attractive at all, I don't think he finds me pretty, I think he just tolerates how I look which makes me sad because I don't know what to do. He truly does love me unconditionally no matter the appearance, no matter the weight, no matter what he truly loves me very deeply and isn't that what everyone wants? To be loved unconditionally no matter the appearance? And yet I feel very sad because I do want to feel DESIRED, feel physically wanted, I want to be beautiful in his eyes but I don't think it's possible because I don't think he's physically attracted to me which hurts my self-esteem even more.
I can't describe how much I struggle with my self-acceptance, how much I struggle with loving myself, I know for certain that I NEVER want to be skinny, I have always been overweight since the minute I was born and I honestly have no interest in being skinny ever. I DO want to love myself just the way I am, I want to LOVE myself exactly as I am, I want to feel beautiful and feel sexy exactly the way I am, that is my goal. I truly truly truly want to feel confident in my own skin, to feel beautiful and sexy, to feel wanted, to feel attractive, to feel happy, in this current state I am very depressed and miserable (for general life reasons but also because of my weight and appearance). I truly want to feel GOOD about myself and I know that being skinny isn't the answer, I want to feel happy with the way I look but I feel so lost about it. I've only recently found out about fat-acceptance and it's still taking time for the realization to sink-in that THERE ARE GUYS OUT THERE that actually find a fat girl attractive, it is mind-blowing to me, I have never even IMAGINED that was possible.
Which just makes me sad that my own boyfriend might not even be attracted to me, I'm not sure what to do, he loves me unconditionally, he says I have a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind but you know, he never says anything about the way I look, whenever I show him a picture of myself, he always says something like,"What color is that shirt?" or some random comment about a shirt or something in the background, he never says,"You look beautiful" or anything like that which makes me even more sad than I usually am.
I don't know what I'm asking, I'm rambling, I have so much I want to pour out, so many things I can't talk to anyone about. My boyfriend doesn't really understand anything about my self-esteem issues, he doesn't understand any of that, he has a lot to deal with in his life already and he deals a lot with comforting me and supporting me with my family problems and general depression problems, the last thing I want is overwhelm him even more with MORE insecurities and MORE problems. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about how I feel about my self-esteem, my weight, how much I want to love myself the way I am, I don't have much support about that. It's too bad there aren't that many communities out there about fat acceptance, this one was the only forum I could find and it doesn't seem that active?
Anyway, I truly want to be in a journey of self-acceptance, self-love, I truly want to be in a journey of self-discovery, to discover love for all of me, discover love and beauty inside and OUTSIDE of me as well. Right now I don't have support for that though and I feel extremely discouraged, it doesn't help that my boyfriend is attracted to skinny girls and I can't really feel desired, I guess the long distance relationship makes it worse because we can't be physically together much and although he DOES tell me how he "desires" me, it's hard for *me* to believe it because I always think that he's probably imagining a "skinny" me and that he can't possibly desire me, he's not into big girls, he only finds my insides beautiful but my outside is something to ignore I guess?
A year ago when I tried to tell him about how I felt, about how ugly I felt, I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't find me beautiful on the inside AND outside and he tried to comfort me by comparing me to his mother and saying that his mother is unattractive but has a beautiful personality and that he loves her personality and he loves *my* personality hahaha. That was NOT HELPFUL, him comparing me to his mother and then saying his mother was unattractive but he loves her personality thus saying I'm unattractive but he loves my personality, great.
*sigh* Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry. I feel so sad and discouraged right now, I feel so alone, I truly want to get better, I want to feel happier about myself, I want to feel good about how I look, I want to one day be able to feel beautiful and sexy for once in my life, I want to be able to feel confident and GOOD and not so insecure, I am so tired of feeling so ugly and undesirable and unwanted and worthless because of my weight and body shape, I want to feel happy about myself but I don't know how to go about it, I don't know how to go about this journey. Any ideas? :/
My boyfriend really is a good person, I truly believe that if I explained to him in detail about my insecurities and feelings about my self-esteem and weight and appearance, if I told him about fat-acceptance and BBW and all that, I am certain he will be "supportive", maybe not actively supportive but still accept it. Still I don't think he will change, I don't think he'll ever really be physically attracted to me (which hurts me), I don't think he'll ever call me "beautiful" or "pretty"....it's something I have to deal with in this relationship I guess.
It's nice that there are guys out there that are attracted to fat women, I can't describe how much I admire the fat admirers haha, I truly admire them. I think my boyfriend once made a comment about how a girl can be sexy at any size which is a step in the right direction but I don't know, he's only attracted to skinny girls and I'm fat and we haven't spent much time physically together for me to know if our relationship will work out on the physical side of it.
*siiiiiiiiiiigh* I'm sorry, my brain is scrambled right now and I'm rambling a lot. All my life I've been big but I never considered myself anything but ugly and disgusting and unlovable. I don't want to be skinny, I only want to love myself the way I am, I only want to feel beautiful and sexy and happy just the way I am. I see myself as an ugly piece of unsightly untouchable crap to be honest, I struggle with the thought that no guy even my boyfriend would ever find me remotely approachable or remotely pretty, I feel hideous, I feel unlovable, I feel absolutely miserable about myself all my life and even now, it's the only thing I have known how to feel. Finding out about fat acceptance and places like this community, it gives me a little hope that I can go on a journey to CHANGE my view about myself, find ways to not hate myself so much.
Can anyone give me some direction here? Some help for this journey? Something to help me? I'm feeling very lost and discouraged already.
I'm female, 21 years old and I weigh 296lb, so almost 300lb. It's only been like a year that I found out about fat acceptance, I haven't had much success getting into it though because I find myself getting more depressed, I have severe depression since I was 3-4 years old, my weight could be a part of it, I've been overweight since the minute I was born and I never had a good family relationships or a good childhood, I lived a miserable life and with awful self-esteem, I have always hated myself and felt worthless and ugly.
Before I recently found out about fat acceptance, I couldn't believe it even existed, I still can't believe it, I actually still have a hard time believing that there are people who are happy being fat and there are others who actually accept and love those fat people. I really truly agree that everyone of all sizes and shapes deserve all the love in the world, all the friendship and happiness and every sense of beauty and sexiness, I truly always believed that. I truly have always believed that a person no matter how much they weigh, no matter how they look, no matter how their body shape is like, they all deserve to feel beautiful and sexy and happy and everyone deserves love and admiration and care.
I do have awful self-esteem though, I've always suffered from severe depression all my life (many many different reasons) and I have always been "that" fat girl that hides in thick sweaters in 110 degree weather, I'm "that" fat girl who stands in the background and doesn't want to be seen,I'm "that" fat girl who never had friends, I'm shy and quiet and I literally hide away in my house for MONTHS so that nobody gets to "see" me. I don't want to be seen in public, I guess it's not completely because of my weight but also the severe depression, general social anxiety and yes I guess weight is also the reason. (wait, scratch that, NOT my weight that's the problem but my negative perception of my appearance)
Okay, I have a lot of issues to deal with, more than I could even list here, I struggle a lot with my self-worth and appearance too, I honestly have never experienced a guy finding me attractive, not once have I've experience a moment of feeling "pretty", not once in my life and I feel like that does affect me a lot.
I've been feeling really sad lately and I do often feel sad about this but I do have an amazing boyfriend, he is everything I ever wanted and needed and more, we had a deep bond, a deep connection, we've been together for almost 2 years now and he loves me unconditionally, he truly does love me and he takes care of me and comforts me and every single day he tells me how important I am to him, how precious I am to him. He is truly the most amazing boyfriend in the world BUT because I struggle with my self-esteem, I feel troubled because we're in a long distance relationship and so he doesn't get to see me physically much and he's actually a skinny guy and he is attracted to skinny girls and he "accepts" me, he loves me unconditionally no matter the weight but I don't think he finds me attractive at all, I don't think he finds me pretty, I think he just tolerates how I look which makes me sad because I don't know what to do. He truly does love me unconditionally no matter the appearance, no matter the weight, no matter what he truly loves me very deeply and isn't that what everyone wants? To be loved unconditionally no matter the appearance? And yet I feel very sad because I do want to feel DESIRED, feel physically wanted, I want to be beautiful in his eyes but I don't think it's possible because I don't think he's physically attracted to me which hurts my self-esteem even more.
I can't describe how much I struggle with my self-acceptance, how much I struggle with loving myself, I know for certain that I NEVER want to be skinny, I have always been overweight since the minute I was born and I honestly have no interest in being skinny ever. I DO want to love myself just the way I am, I want to LOVE myself exactly as I am, I want to feel beautiful and feel sexy exactly the way I am, that is my goal. I truly truly truly want to feel confident in my own skin, to feel beautiful and sexy, to feel wanted, to feel attractive, to feel happy, in this current state I am very depressed and miserable (for general life reasons but also because of my weight and appearance). I truly want to feel GOOD about myself and I know that being skinny isn't the answer, I want to feel happy with the way I look but I feel so lost about it. I've only recently found out about fat-acceptance and it's still taking time for the realization to sink-in that THERE ARE GUYS OUT THERE that actually find a fat girl attractive, it is mind-blowing to me, I have never even IMAGINED that was possible.
Which just makes me sad that my own boyfriend might not even be attracted to me, I'm not sure what to do, he loves me unconditionally, he says I have a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind but you know, he never says anything about the way I look, whenever I show him a picture of myself, he always says something like,"What color is that shirt?" or some random comment about a shirt or something in the background, he never says,"You look beautiful" or anything like that which makes me even more sad than I usually am.
I don't know what I'm asking, I'm rambling, I have so much I want to pour out, so many things I can't talk to anyone about. My boyfriend doesn't really understand anything about my self-esteem issues, he doesn't understand any of that, he has a lot to deal with in his life already and he deals a lot with comforting me and supporting me with my family problems and general depression problems, the last thing I want is overwhelm him even more with MORE insecurities and MORE problems. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about how I feel about my self-esteem, my weight, how much I want to love myself the way I am, I don't have much support about that. It's too bad there aren't that many communities out there about fat acceptance, this one was the only forum I could find and it doesn't seem that active?
Anyway, I truly want to be in a journey of self-acceptance, self-love, I truly want to be in a journey of self-discovery, to discover love for all of me, discover love and beauty inside and OUTSIDE of me as well. Right now I don't have support for that though and I feel extremely discouraged, it doesn't help that my boyfriend is attracted to skinny girls and I can't really feel desired, I guess the long distance relationship makes it worse because we can't be physically together much and although he DOES tell me how he "desires" me, it's hard for *me* to believe it because I always think that he's probably imagining a "skinny" me and that he can't possibly desire me, he's not into big girls, he only finds my insides beautiful but my outside is something to ignore I guess?
A year ago when I tried to tell him about how I felt, about how ugly I felt, I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't find me beautiful on the inside AND outside and he tried to comfort me by comparing me to his mother and saying that his mother is unattractive but has a beautiful personality and that he loves her personality and he loves *my* personality hahaha. That was NOT HELPFUL, him comparing me to his mother and then saying his mother was unattractive but he loves her personality thus saying I'm unattractive but he loves my personality, great.
*sigh* Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry. I feel so sad and discouraged right now, I feel so alone, I truly want to get better, I want to feel happier about myself, I want to feel good about how I look, I want to one day be able to feel beautiful and sexy for once in my life, I want to be able to feel confident and GOOD and not so insecure, I am so tired of feeling so ugly and undesirable and unwanted and worthless because of my weight and body shape, I want to feel happy about myself but I don't know how to go about it, I don't know how to go about this journey. Any ideas? :/
My boyfriend really is a good person, I truly believe that if I explained to him in detail about my insecurities and feelings about my self-esteem and weight and appearance, if I told him about fat-acceptance and BBW and all that, I am certain he will be "supportive", maybe not actively supportive but still accept it. Still I don't think he will change, I don't think he'll ever really be physically attracted to me (which hurts me), I don't think he'll ever call me "beautiful" or "pretty"....it's something I have to deal with in this relationship I guess.
It's nice that there are guys out there that are attracted to fat women, I can't describe how much I admire the fat admirers haha, I truly admire them. I think my boyfriend once made a comment about how a girl can be sexy at any size which is a step in the right direction but I don't know, he's only attracted to skinny girls and I'm fat and we haven't spent much time physically together for me to know if our relationship will work out on the physical side of it.
*siiiiiiiiiiigh* I'm sorry, my brain is scrambled right now and I'm rambling a lot. All my life I've been big but I never considered myself anything but ugly and disgusting and unlovable. I don't want to be skinny, I only want to love myself the way I am, I only want to feel beautiful and sexy and happy just the way I am. I see myself as an ugly piece of unsightly untouchable crap to be honest, I struggle with the thought that no guy even my boyfriend would ever find me remotely approachable or remotely pretty, I feel hideous, I feel unlovable, I feel absolutely miserable about myself all my life and even now, it's the only thing I have known how to feel. Finding out about fat acceptance and places like this community, it gives me a little hope that I can go on a journey to CHANGE my view about myself, find ways to not hate myself so much.
Can anyone give me some direction here? Some help for this journey? Something to help me? I'm feeling very lost and discouraged already.
