Salutations everyone! I'm not quite sure of the exact drop of water that made my mind overflow and stop lurking, stop procrastinating, and getting on this board. I'm looking for comfort and solutions and maybe just some wise words, but mostly a place to just vent and possibly make friends. I have an issue that's been eating away at me (no pun intended) for quite a while, and I would adore and appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my post and give some insight.
Anyway, let me begin from the beginning. If anyone reads my whole message they get...like...50,000 points. Yes, that seems fair. You can't use them at Chuck E. Cheese or Skee Ball or anything though. Sorry.
Anyway, beginning at the beginning. In my research I have found hundreds of women with lives almost identical to my own. All the typical ingredients of life are mixed together in my plight: the petite and skinny health-conscious mom, socially adept skinny older sister, and dad. Yes, I was the "weird kid." Puzzle-loving, book-reading, quiet little bundle of oddity yet I was rather satisfied with my lot. Yes, I was also the "pudgy kid," or the politically correct terms used by my mom: heavyset, husky, big-boned, etc. It sounds like she was describing a monster truck now that I think of it!
The only time in my life I've ever been what society might call "skinny" was a few years ago when a couple of changes in medication did some odd things to my body chemistry. My mom was so eager to put me on a low-carb diet and take me to excersise classes, and I admit I was curious to see what having a greater selection of clothes would be like. So I worked out, ate right, and became downright obsessed; 1/4 of a cup of cereal meant exactly 1/4- if one single morsel would bounce out of the measuring cup, I had to start all over again. Yea...I know, I'm on something for that too.
Life was so EASY when I was thin. I was slightly muscular and "fit," and I got used to the looks on people's faces when they saw that the chubby duckling had turned into a neurotic swan. The funny thing was, it was hard for me to maintain my weight, even with excersise and diet. As a kid, I ate only healthy, organic foods, but I still managed to sport painful "inner thigh chub rub" ate age 9. I was never bothered that I got the fat end of the gene pool, it was just confusing to gain weight with such little effort....
This past summer I decided to "live it up," finally stomping out my obsessive diet. My God did that feel good. I forgot how much I loved to eat, and I didn't mind the attention my friends gave me for my natural ability to eat obscene amounts of food. It was glorious, it was heavenly, it was everything I had ever wanted...
The other side of the story that is making things hard for me right now is that all of my life I have wanted to be fat. I, like so many other people I never knew existed, used to spend Saturday mornings locked in my room stuffing my pyjamas with as many pieces of clothing as I could. At night I would fall asleep to thoughts of my body being so soft it would just quiety spread out over my entire bed. This and countless other thoughts would be just mine, special ideas that sort of troubled my young mind, but also gave me something to look forward to, in a way.
That being said, I went full blast this past summer, eating whatever and however much I wanted. I also stopped doing any excersise, which I think, now, was a big mistake. Right now at this moment I weight about 225lbs, and I adore my body. It just feels...right, natural, satisfying. The only problem is, and to anyone else this wouldn't be a problem, so I am sincerely hoping someone on here will see this from my point of view:
I need to lose weight for health reasons. This, to me, is unfair. It is depressing that, after waiting so long to take my desires into my own hands, I cannot keep the result. I can love myself no matter what I weight, I just need some reassurance that, although I love my current weight and would love for it to be much higher, whatever is best for me, physically, I should accept. Thankfully, no matter how much weight I lose I'd never fit into anything smaller than a size 10. I just wish there were a way for me to continue increasing my weight but not putting myself at risk for diabetes and other health issues.
I just need some help dealing with the fact that, because of my genetic makeup, I am basically not allowed to pursue my strongest sexual and personal desire. I guess fantasy will suffice, but if there is a doctor in the house, I'd love to know how to stay healthy but still keep my figure.
If you've read all of that, you rock. I like ya already. So, I hopefully have summed up my predicament in a readable and understandable form. I am greatly looking forward to any replies or advice or any sort of welcome.
Well, if you didn't need glasses before, I am sure you need them now! I'll just say in advance, "nice meeting you!" Take care, everyone!
-RJ
Anyway, let me begin from the beginning. If anyone reads my whole message they get...like...50,000 points. Yes, that seems fair. You can't use them at Chuck E. Cheese or Skee Ball or anything though. Sorry.
Anyway, beginning at the beginning. In my research I have found hundreds of women with lives almost identical to my own. All the typical ingredients of life are mixed together in my plight: the petite and skinny health-conscious mom, socially adept skinny older sister, and dad. Yes, I was the "weird kid." Puzzle-loving, book-reading, quiet little bundle of oddity yet I was rather satisfied with my lot. Yes, I was also the "pudgy kid," or the politically correct terms used by my mom: heavyset, husky, big-boned, etc. It sounds like she was describing a monster truck now that I think of it!
The only time in my life I've ever been what society might call "skinny" was a few years ago when a couple of changes in medication did some odd things to my body chemistry. My mom was so eager to put me on a low-carb diet and take me to excersise classes, and I admit I was curious to see what having a greater selection of clothes would be like. So I worked out, ate right, and became downright obsessed; 1/4 of a cup of cereal meant exactly 1/4- if one single morsel would bounce out of the measuring cup, I had to start all over again. Yea...I know, I'm on something for that too.
Life was so EASY when I was thin. I was slightly muscular and "fit," and I got used to the looks on people's faces when they saw that the chubby duckling had turned into a neurotic swan. The funny thing was, it was hard for me to maintain my weight, even with excersise and diet. As a kid, I ate only healthy, organic foods, but I still managed to sport painful "inner thigh chub rub" ate age 9. I was never bothered that I got the fat end of the gene pool, it was just confusing to gain weight with such little effort....
This past summer I decided to "live it up," finally stomping out my obsessive diet. My God did that feel good. I forgot how much I loved to eat, and I didn't mind the attention my friends gave me for my natural ability to eat obscene amounts of food. It was glorious, it was heavenly, it was everything I had ever wanted...
The other side of the story that is making things hard for me right now is that all of my life I have wanted to be fat. I, like so many other people I never knew existed, used to spend Saturday mornings locked in my room stuffing my pyjamas with as many pieces of clothing as I could. At night I would fall asleep to thoughts of my body being so soft it would just quiety spread out over my entire bed. This and countless other thoughts would be just mine, special ideas that sort of troubled my young mind, but also gave me something to look forward to, in a way.
That being said, I went full blast this past summer, eating whatever and however much I wanted. I also stopped doing any excersise, which I think, now, was a big mistake. Right now at this moment I weight about 225lbs, and I adore my body. It just feels...right, natural, satisfying. The only problem is, and to anyone else this wouldn't be a problem, so I am sincerely hoping someone on here will see this from my point of view:
I need to lose weight for health reasons. This, to me, is unfair. It is depressing that, after waiting so long to take my desires into my own hands, I cannot keep the result. I can love myself no matter what I weight, I just need some reassurance that, although I love my current weight and would love for it to be much higher, whatever is best for me, physically, I should accept. Thankfully, no matter how much weight I lose I'd never fit into anything smaller than a size 10. I just wish there were a way for me to continue increasing my weight but not putting myself at risk for diabetes and other health issues.
I just need some help dealing with the fact that, because of my genetic makeup, I am basically not allowed to pursue my strongest sexual and personal desire. I guess fantasy will suffice, but if there is a doctor in the house, I'd love to know how to stay healthy but still keep my figure.
If you've read all of that, you rock. I like ya already. So, I hopefully have summed up my predicament in a readable and understandable form. I am greatly looking forward to any replies or advice or any sort of welcome.
Well, if you didn't need glasses before, I am sure you need them now! I'll just say in advance, "nice meeting you!" Take care, everyone!
-RJ
