~BBW, Parody, ~MWG - A parody of classic WG fiction elements
(Author’s Note: One day two lawyers happened to be debating a point in court. They were throwing around as many legal terms as they could, puffing their chests and raising their voices so as to be heard over the other. Suddenly, the judge, an old Southern gentleman, banged his gavel and called them both to the bench. In a stage whisper so everyone could hear, the judge asked them how many commandments there were.
After a brief consultation, the two lawyers agreed that there were ten.
“Wrong!” proclaimed the judge, “There is an eleventh commandment for lawyers: thou shalt not take thyself too seriously!”
The idea for a parody of weight gain fiction struck me a few weeks ago and I'd been mulling it over ever since. I tried to touch on some of the major elements of weight gain fiction and hope that the take that I presented was both respectful and funny at the same time. Please believe me when I say that this comes only out of love. This story is one part absurd, one part hilarious, one part self-aware, and one part all too true. With that in mind, enjoy!)
It goes without saying that Sarah was the most beautiful, smartest, most popular, and most all around awesomest girl in the entire town. The only reason it’s being said here is because you don’t know Sarah yet, but when you do meet her you’ll know that it goes without saying.
Perhaps some elaboration is necessary. Ever since Sarah was born, she excelled above and beyond everyone else. As an infant, she was cuter than every other baby. The fact that her parents had given her an all-American name like Sarah seemed perfectly fitting for such a perfect baby. In elementary school, she always did her homework and studied for every test even though she already knew all the answers. In middle school she single handedly set the world land speed record for a seventh grader in running the mile in PE before she went on to win the school spelling bee in the same day. This was in addition to the fact that everyone wanted to be friends with Sarah. Even the introverted goth kids (who didn’t like anybody) thought that Sarah was the sweetest, cutest, nicest, sweetest, and prettiest thing they’d ever seen, injecting sunshine and rainbows into their dark, vampire-infested world.
But all of this was inconsequential compared to Sarah’s life in high school. Sarah’s universal popularity meant that she made only the best and most desirable friends. Naturally, someone as popular as Sarah became a cheerleader instantly. In fact, the cheer advisor waived her tryout because it was so obvious that Sarah should be on the cheer team. Sarah naturally remained grounded while continuing to excel academically. In fact, she actually studied harder and quickly achieved higher than a 4.0 GPA. Though this might cause one to assume that Sarah wouldn’t have enough time to hang out with her myriad of friends, she actually had oodles of time with which to do just that. She was also quickly voted into the student government. Sarah was so popular that all of the other candidates immediately resigned as they couldn’t bear to run against someone so nice and so deserving of the post as Sarah.
In addition to all this was Sarah’s perfect family life. There was her loving, supporting, homemaking mother (who, by the way, happened to be an incredible cook). Sarah was blessed with hard-working and indulgent father. There was also two younger siblings of absolutely no consequence. Accordingly, they will remain nameless and be ignored from here on out. Had it been possible for the family to have had 3.18 children to be a truly perfect microcosm of American society, they would have. Unfortunately, the doctors, with tear-filled eyes, informed Sarah’s parents that they could not facilitate that service to the human race.
By Senior year—which is when all important things happen to teenage girls and she was fully age 18 so this story can be told —Sarah was perhaps the most perfect teenager Western civilization had ever seen. Not only was she captain of the cheerleading team, but she had also been elected student body President with 109% of the vote (the extra nine percent was due to the fact that all of the teachers, secretaries, guidance councilors, janitors, and the principal all cast extra votes for Sarah because she was so universally beloved). She was first chair violin in the school orchestra, which somehow did not conflict with being the lead in the school musical. There had also recently been the county soccer championship, in which Sarah had scored the winning goal in overtime. Sarah did take some time off to win the school’s chess tournament, though she declined to represent the school at the state championship despite the great clamor for her to do so. Sarah was also on track to be valedictorian and exit polling from the yearbook superlatives voting indicated that Sarah was going to win the sacred trifecta of “most likely to succeed”, “model student”, and “best smile”.
All of these achievements might cause one to neglect the fact that Sarah had grown up from being a cute baby. Now she was a beautiful young woman. Needless to say, Sarah was a beautiful natural blonde with beautiful blue eyes. Her skin was just tan enough to be nicely toned without making her look burnt. Her stomach was as flat as a washboard and her hips were shapely without being too big. Similarly, Sarah’s butt was bouncy enough for the boys without being too big. But of course all of this was inconsequential next to the fact that Sarah had gorgeous pert breasts. One might have been tempted to say that it didn’t make sense that someone as thin as Sarah should have such large breasts but nobody thought that—mainly because the boys were too busy ogling Sarah’s ridiculously enormous melons and the girls loved Sarah so much they would never think anything as negative as that.
It should also be noted that Sarah ate like a hummingbird. This may be exactly what many people might expect from someone as good looking and thin as Sarah, but many people don’t know that a hummingbird actually eats 50% of its weight each day. Sarah inhaled food like there was no tomorrow. This was fostered by the fact that her mother was one of the greatest cooks on the face of the planet. In fact, she had previously taught at a prestigious culinary school before she started a family. As a result, there was always an excess of tasty food at Sarah’s house. Fortunately, Sarah was blessed with the sturdiest of metabolisms, ensuring that she didn’t gain a single pound, despite the fact her ridiculously high calorie count was somewhere in the neighborhood of a floppity gillion.
Now it might seem surprising that someone as perfect as Sarah didn’t have a boyfriend, but that was the case. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anyone who liked Sarah (after all, she was universally beloved), but…well, nobody really ever thought about it. Maybe it was because they were too busy being enthralled with how perfect Sarah was that they didn’t ever think of a trivial thing like dating. Sarah didn’t even think about it herself. After all, her life was so wonderful that it was hard to imagine how much more amazing it could be if she added a boyfriend to it.
Even with her lack of a boyfriend, Sarah could not have been more perfect. In fact, she was dwelling on this exact thought one night before bed. It had been a wonderful day, as usual. She had gone to school where she had delighted the teachers by answering questions when nobody else could. After school, she made sure that the cheerleading team was in tiptop shape before she went home to engage in her assiduous study regimen before she hung out with the most popular and wonderful of her many friends. Then it was home for dinner for the incredible-as-always meal that Sarah’s mother produced, which always featured a decadently sinful dessert of which Sarah never left a crumb.
(It should also be noted at this point that Sarah’s family was fully defined in relation to her. Their names didn’t actually matter, hence everyone was known as “Sarah’s mother” or “Sarah’s brother”. Also understandable is the fact that Sarah needed no last name. All one had to do was say the name “Sarah” and people instantly understood who you were talking about.)
“Today was rather perfect. I don’t know how tomorrow could possibly be more perfect, but every day of my life has been just that! Oh how lucky I am to be me! It must be hard to be other people who are not as perfect as me,” Sarah mused to herself aloud. There was no vanity about her thoughts, but only the innocent working through of the universe that teenage girls are prone to do in their spare time. “But wait! They must all be happy because they know someone as perfect as me! But what about people who have never met me? Perhaps they are happy in their ignorance because they don’t know how wonderful it is to know me. And then if they should ever happen to meet me they will be all the happier for it!”
Satisfied with these thoughts, Sarah decided that it was time to go to sleep. As Sarah began to drift into blissful slumber, she heard the faint strains of a melody that were soon given words.
There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There’s too much confusion
I can’t get no relief
As Sarah slipped into the pleasant unconsciousness of sleep, she promptly forgot all about it.
***
(Author’s Note: One day two lawyers happened to be debating a point in court. They were throwing around as many legal terms as they could, puffing their chests and raising their voices so as to be heard over the other. Suddenly, the judge, an old Southern gentleman, banged his gavel and called them both to the bench. In a stage whisper so everyone could hear, the judge asked them how many commandments there were.
After a brief consultation, the two lawyers agreed that there were ten.
“Wrong!” proclaimed the judge, “There is an eleventh commandment for lawyers: thou shalt not take thyself too seriously!”
The idea for a parody of weight gain fiction struck me a few weeks ago and I'd been mulling it over ever since. I tried to touch on some of the major elements of weight gain fiction and hope that the take that I presented was both respectful and funny at the same time. Please believe me when I say that this comes only out of love. This story is one part absurd, one part hilarious, one part self-aware, and one part all too true. With that in mind, enjoy!)
Sarah’s Sudden Surprise
By The_Id
By The_Id
It goes without saying that Sarah was the most beautiful, smartest, most popular, and most all around awesomest girl in the entire town. The only reason it’s being said here is because you don’t know Sarah yet, but when you do meet her you’ll know that it goes without saying.
Perhaps some elaboration is necessary. Ever since Sarah was born, she excelled above and beyond everyone else. As an infant, she was cuter than every other baby. The fact that her parents had given her an all-American name like Sarah seemed perfectly fitting for such a perfect baby. In elementary school, she always did her homework and studied for every test even though she already knew all the answers. In middle school she single handedly set the world land speed record for a seventh grader in running the mile in PE before she went on to win the school spelling bee in the same day. This was in addition to the fact that everyone wanted to be friends with Sarah. Even the introverted goth kids (who didn’t like anybody) thought that Sarah was the sweetest, cutest, nicest, sweetest, and prettiest thing they’d ever seen, injecting sunshine and rainbows into their dark, vampire-infested world.
But all of this was inconsequential compared to Sarah’s life in high school. Sarah’s universal popularity meant that she made only the best and most desirable friends. Naturally, someone as popular as Sarah became a cheerleader instantly. In fact, the cheer advisor waived her tryout because it was so obvious that Sarah should be on the cheer team. Sarah naturally remained grounded while continuing to excel academically. In fact, she actually studied harder and quickly achieved higher than a 4.0 GPA. Though this might cause one to assume that Sarah wouldn’t have enough time to hang out with her myriad of friends, she actually had oodles of time with which to do just that. She was also quickly voted into the student government. Sarah was so popular that all of the other candidates immediately resigned as they couldn’t bear to run against someone so nice and so deserving of the post as Sarah.
In addition to all this was Sarah’s perfect family life. There was her loving, supporting, homemaking mother (who, by the way, happened to be an incredible cook). Sarah was blessed with hard-working and indulgent father. There was also two younger siblings of absolutely no consequence. Accordingly, they will remain nameless and be ignored from here on out. Had it been possible for the family to have had 3.18 children to be a truly perfect microcosm of American society, they would have. Unfortunately, the doctors, with tear-filled eyes, informed Sarah’s parents that they could not facilitate that service to the human race.
By Senior year—which is when all important things happen to teenage girls and she was fully age 18 so this story can be told —Sarah was perhaps the most perfect teenager Western civilization had ever seen. Not only was she captain of the cheerleading team, but she had also been elected student body President with 109% of the vote (the extra nine percent was due to the fact that all of the teachers, secretaries, guidance councilors, janitors, and the principal all cast extra votes for Sarah because she was so universally beloved). She was first chair violin in the school orchestra, which somehow did not conflict with being the lead in the school musical. There had also recently been the county soccer championship, in which Sarah had scored the winning goal in overtime. Sarah did take some time off to win the school’s chess tournament, though she declined to represent the school at the state championship despite the great clamor for her to do so. Sarah was also on track to be valedictorian and exit polling from the yearbook superlatives voting indicated that Sarah was going to win the sacred trifecta of “most likely to succeed”, “model student”, and “best smile”.
All of these achievements might cause one to neglect the fact that Sarah had grown up from being a cute baby. Now she was a beautiful young woman. Needless to say, Sarah was a beautiful natural blonde with beautiful blue eyes. Her skin was just tan enough to be nicely toned without making her look burnt. Her stomach was as flat as a washboard and her hips were shapely without being too big. Similarly, Sarah’s butt was bouncy enough for the boys without being too big. But of course all of this was inconsequential next to the fact that Sarah had gorgeous pert breasts. One might have been tempted to say that it didn’t make sense that someone as thin as Sarah should have such large breasts but nobody thought that—mainly because the boys were too busy ogling Sarah’s ridiculously enormous melons and the girls loved Sarah so much they would never think anything as negative as that.
It should also be noted that Sarah ate like a hummingbird. This may be exactly what many people might expect from someone as good looking and thin as Sarah, but many people don’t know that a hummingbird actually eats 50% of its weight each day. Sarah inhaled food like there was no tomorrow. This was fostered by the fact that her mother was one of the greatest cooks on the face of the planet. In fact, she had previously taught at a prestigious culinary school before she started a family. As a result, there was always an excess of tasty food at Sarah’s house. Fortunately, Sarah was blessed with the sturdiest of metabolisms, ensuring that she didn’t gain a single pound, despite the fact her ridiculously high calorie count was somewhere in the neighborhood of a floppity gillion.
Now it might seem surprising that someone as perfect as Sarah didn’t have a boyfriend, but that was the case. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anyone who liked Sarah (after all, she was universally beloved), but…well, nobody really ever thought about it. Maybe it was because they were too busy being enthralled with how perfect Sarah was that they didn’t ever think of a trivial thing like dating. Sarah didn’t even think about it herself. After all, her life was so wonderful that it was hard to imagine how much more amazing it could be if she added a boyfriend to it.
Even with her lack of a boyfriend, Sarah could not have been more perfect. In fact, she was dwelling on this exact thought one night before bed. It had been a wonderful day, as usual. She had gone to school where she had delighted the teachers by answering questions when nobody else could. After school, she made sure that the cheerleading team was in tiptop shape before she went home to engage in her assiduous study regimen before she hung out with the most popular and wonderful of her many friends. Then it was home for dinner for the incredible-as-always meal that Sarah’s mother produced, which always featured a decadently sinful dessert of which Sarah never left a crumb.
(It should also be noted at this point that Sarah’s family was fully defined in relation to her. Their names didn’t actually matter, hence everyone was known as “Sarah’s mother” or “Sarah’s brother”. Also understandable is the fact that Sarah needed no last name. All one had to do was say the name “Sarah” and people instantly understood who you were talking about.)
“Today was rather perfect. I don’t know how tomorrow could possibly be more perfect, but every day of my life has been just that! Oh how lucky I am to be me! It must be hard to be other people who are not as perfect as me,” Sarah mused to herself aloud. There was no vanity about her thoughts, but only the innocent working through of the universe that teenage girls are prone to do in their spare time. “But wait! They must all be happy because they know someone as perfect as me! But what about people who have never met me? Perhaps they are happy in their ignorance because they don’t know how wonderful it is to know me. And then if they should ever happen to meet me they will be all the happier for it!”
Satisfied with these thoughts, Sarah decided that it was time to go to sleep. As Sarah began to drift into blissful slumber, she heard the faint strains of a melody that were soon given words.
There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There’s too much confusion
I can’t get no relief
As Sarah slipped into the pleasant unconsciousness of sleep, she promptly forgot all about it.
***
