elroycohen
Steampunk Psycho
BBW-Multiple, ~~WG, Fantasy A young man has to face seven evil exes to lift a curse.
Authors Note: Slightly more fantasy centered then I usual write, but I am a fan of the graphic novels and movie and thought it leant itself well to being tweaked for WG fiction. And yes I do know that the movie and graphic novel spell it Pilgrim.
Waking up in the entryway of his apartment was not all that unusual of an occurrence for Scott Pilgrum. His recollection of the last eight hours was all but a hazy dreamlike image just out of his reach, but the pounding headache and dry mouth let him know it had just been another Friday night of drinking and troublemaking.
After he tried and failed to lift his head off the filthy welcome mat a foot came from out of nowhere and smacked him in the nose. Scott looked up and the bottoms of his roommate Robs tennis shoes hovering over him as they hung off the first stair in a series that led up to the main area of the apartment.
Jesus, Rob, watch where youre kickin, Scott grumbled.
A squinty-eyed, puffy-faced, fuzzy haired, but still somehow good looking young man lifted up from the stairs and peered down at Scott. What the hell are you doing down there? the roommate asked before attempting to stand and in the process hitting Scott again with his shoes.
Uhh, I dont know. I guess I never made it up stairs.
Rob looked around and shook his head before stating the obvious. Yeah, me neither, I guess. Man we must have got pretty wasted last night.
Scott rubbed his red eyes and opened the only partially closed front door. Robs red Corvette was parked just inches from the front entrance, right across the walkway that led up to their apartment and their neighbors.
Damn, I guess we better move that, Rob said before staggering up stairs to the kitchen in search of a Mountain Dew and a Pop Tart.
Scott glanced back at the open door and the front corner of the Vettes bumper that was inches from the opening before shrugging and following his friend upstairs. What all happened last night? he asked after Rob tossed him a cold can.
Rob stood still for a few seconds, his blue eyes glazed over, deep in hopeless thought. Then he broke out into a wheezing fit of giggles. Oh yeah, I remember. Sunshine dumped you in front of everyone at the club last night or was it the bowling alley?
Scott rubbed the cool can against his temple as if in a futile attempt to jog his memory. Really. Why? I thought things were going good.
Hmmm well I dont even really have to think hard about this one since she walked in with her friends right when you were motorboating torpedo tits Becky by the bar
I dont remember that, Scott said thoughtfully, and then with a grin, That chick who never wears a bra and always wears low cut tops.
Rob nodded in agreement. Oh yeah, the one with cleavage that runs from her chin to her bellybutton. Sunny was pissed. Not just cuz you were neck deep in saggy tits. She was also rambling on something about how you never responded to her texts and-
Well shit, man, she texts me like fifty times a day.
Not anymore I guess. Plus I heard before that shes been getting teased about how much weight shes gained since dating you. But thats kind of a given with you. Chicks should just know thats your specialty.
Everyone needs a talent. Plus its all for a good cause. All chicks look better with more curves. Hell come to think of it torpedo tits would look pretty good with another twenty pounds on her
Rob tilted his head and stuffed half a cinnamon toaster pastry in his mouth. Those things would probably slap her thighs if that happened. Crumbs spewed from his mouth as he spoke. Itd be interesting, but Im all about long legs and tight asses.
Thats why you make such a good wingman. Scott reached into his pocket. A look of surprise flashed over his face when he found what he was looking for. He pulled out his cell and checked it. No messages from Sunshine. Oh well, guess Im back on the market.
Rob chuckled. Now you can do things like motorboat chicks in public.
Sure take her side, dick.
Oh thats the least of your worries buddy.
Is it now?
Hell yeah. Id be more concerned with that wicked curse she put on you.
Scott shook his head. Say what now?
Aw come on man you were dating her for over a month. Dont tell me you didnt know she was a Wiccan.
Scott grunted his disbelief. She mentioned it, but she also told me she was a vegetarian two dates before she gobbled down two Coney dogs at the fair.
Rob put his hand on Scotts shoulder and looked him dead in the eye. No man, Im serious, dont be screwing around when curses are involved, especially this one.
Scott tried to think and then just asked, Okay so what was it?
Its the curse of the seven evil exes. You have to defeat your last seven girlfriends that dumped you in battle or else be doomed to be celibate for the rest of your days.
For the rest of my days? Seriously? Dude I think your just confusing Sunshine spazing out on me with some movie that was on when you got home.
Rob shrugged and started walking to his bedroom. I am serious, dude. Dont believe me, go try and get it up right now. I bet you wont even be able to get a boner. When he got to his door he turned around. Well , not that I dont love our post drunken blackout bonding sessions, but I really need for my head to hit the pillow for a few hours or Ill never be able to make Cindys party tonight.
Was I invited to that?
You were, but seeing as how shes best friends with Sunshine Im guessing your invite has been revoked.
So well head over there about nine then?
Make it ten. I wanna check out the band playing at Rivers Bar tonight. By then everyone should be hammered enough not to care you showed up. With that Rob shut the door.
Scott shook his head in disbelief. I need some sleep, he told himself. Before he did though he went to the closet and grabbed his stash of skin magazines from the top shelf and through them on the bed. He dropped his pants and got into reading position on his bed.
Before he cracked open his favorite issue he got up just to make sure his door was locked.
Back on his bed he flipped through to the page with the redhead whose hips measured 64 inches in diameter (or at least that is what the caption claimed). Then he paged through to the layout of the blonde whose gigantic domed tummy jutted out in front of her just a hair further then her HH cup breasts.
Both these photo sets were enough to usually have Scott rock hard and reaching for the lotion, but on this occasion he felt nothing.
In his frustration Scotty tossed the magazine across the room and moved on to one that had a spread with an extreme hourglass with saddlebags too wide to fit through doors.
Nothing.
A chubby little pear shape eating a cheeseburger in bed.
Nothing.
What the hell, Scott hissed when he hurled the last magazine against the far wall. He pulled up his pants and threw on a clean t-shirt, or at least one that smelled okay. It ended up being one with a faded image of Cartman from South Park. He walked out to the hallway and stormed into Robs room. His roommate was face down on his futon.
Dont you knock?
Tell me more about what I have to do about this curse, Scott demanded.
Rob rolled over, a smug grin plastered across his face. Its easy. Go find your last seven girlfriends that kicked you to the curb...ending with Sunshine of course then battle them until they admit defeat. And you have to do it all by midnight or else the curse stands.
Easy enough I guess.
But be prepared, they all know youre coming and have been given some of Sunshines Wiccan powers to aid them. So it wont be easy, Rob warned
Thats not fair. What about me?
Rob looked perplexed. Not sure. I think its different for everyone. He shrugged. I guess youll find out, wont you.
Scott turned to leave. How do you know about this stuff anyway? he asked over his shoulder.
Had it happen to me once.
Really? When?
Before I knew you. I kissed the sister of this chick I had been dating for like a week one night when I was drunk. I didnt even know she was a Wiccan.
So you had to go fight a bunch of your exes?
Rob shook his head. No. She hit me with a different curse. Bitch turned me into a goat.
No kidding, Scott said skeptically.
Dead serious, and the only way I could reverse the curse was to go find seven of her exes and bite them, thus turning them into goats and freeing me.
Seven, huh? Scotts skeptical tone was even stronger.
Robb nodded. Its a pretty common number in curses. Sometimes youll see three, but mostly its seven. Seven years, seven battles, seven midgets standard stuff, he said as if it were common knowledge.
Uh, yeah, well thanks, I guess. Ill go battle my last seven exes then.
Yeah whatever. Remember well head over to Cindys at ten that is if you arent lying in the gutter somewhere defeated in battle, Rob chuckled before collapsing back into the fetal position.
Authors Note: Slightly more fantasy centered then I usual write, but I am a fan of the graphic novels and movie and thought it leant itself well to being tweaked for WG fiction. And yes I do know that the movie and graphic novel spell it Pilgrim.
Scott Pilgrum Vs. The World
By elroycohen
By elroycohen
Waking up in the entryway of his apartment was not all that unusual of an occurrence for Scott Pilgrum. His recollection of the last eight hours was all but a hazy dreamlike image just out of his reach, but the pounding headache and dry mouth let him know it had just been another Friday night of drinking and troublemaking.
After he tried and failed to lift his head off the filthy welcome mat a foot came from out of nowhere and smacked him in the nose. Scott looked up and the bottoms of his roommate Robs tennis shoes hovering over him as they hung off the first stair in a series that led up to the main area of the apartment.
Jesus, Rob, watch where youre kickin, Scott grumbled.
A squinty-eyed, puffy-faced, fuzzy haired, but still somehow good looking young man lifted up from the stairs and peered down at Scott. What the hell are you doing down there? the roommate asked before attempting to stand and in the process hitting Scott again with his shoes.
Uhh, I dont know. I guess I never made it up stairs.
Rob looked around and shook his head before stating the obvious. Yeah, me neither, I guess. Man we must have got pretty wasted last night.
Scott rubbed his red eyes and opened the only partially closed front door. Robs red Corvette was parked just inches from the front entrance, right across the walkway that led up to their apartment and their neighbors.
Damn, I guess we better move that, Rob said before staggering up stairs to the kitchen in search of a Mountain Dew and a Pop Tart.
Scott glanced back at the open door and the front corner of the Vettes bumper that was inches from the opening before shrugging and following his friend upstairs. What all happened last night? he asked after Rob tossed him a cold can.
Rob stood still for a few seconds, his blue eyes glazed over, deep in hopeless thought. Then he broke out into a wheezing fit of giggles. Oh yeah, I remember. Sunshine dumped you in front of everyone at the club last night or was it the bowling alley?
Scott rubbed the cool can against his temple as if in a futile attempt to jog his memory. Really. Why? I thought things were going good.
Hmmm well I dont even really have to think hard about this one since she walked in with her friends right when you were motorboating torpedo tits Becky by the bar
I dont remember that, Scott said thoughtfully, and then with a grin, That chick who never wears a bra and always wears low cut tops.
Rob nodded in agreement. Oh yeah, the one with cleavage that runs from her chin to her bellybutton. Sunny was pissed. Not just cuz you were neck deep in saggy tits. She was also rambling on something about how you never responded to her texts and-
Well shit, man, she texts me like fifty times a day.
Not anymore I guess. Plus I heard before that shes been getting teased about how much weight shes gained since dating you. But thats kind of a given with you. Chicks should just know thats your specialty.
Everyone needs a talent. Plus its all for a good cause. All chicks look better with more curves. Hell come to think of it torpedo tits would look pretty good with another twenty pounds on her
Rob tilted his head and stuffed half a cinnamon toaster pastry in his mouth. Those things would probably slap her thighs if that happened. Crumbs spewed from his mouth as he spoke. Itd be interesting, but Im all about long legs and tight asses.
Thats why you make such a good wingman. Scott reached into his pocket. A look of surprise flashed over his face when he found what he was looking for. He pulled out his cell and checked it. No messages from Sunshine. Oh well, guess Im back on the market.
Rob chuckled. Now you can do things like motorboat chicks in public.
Sure take her side, dick.
Oh thats the least of your worries buddy.
Is it now?
Hell yeah. Id be more concerned with that wicked curse she put on you.
Scott shook his head. Say what now?
Aw come on man you were dating her for over a month. Dont tell me you didnt know she was a Wiccan.
Scott grunted his disbelief. She mentioned it, but she also told me she was a vegetarian two dates before she gobbled down two Coney dogs at the fair.
Rob put his hand on Scotts shoulder and looked him dead in the eye. No man, Im serious, dont be screwing around when curses are involved, especially this one.
Scott tried to think and then just asked, Okay so what was it?
Its the curse of the seven evil exes. You have to defeat your last seven girlfriends that dumped you in battle or else be doomed to be celibate for the rest of your days.
For the rest of my days? Seriously? Dude I think your just confusing Sunshine spazing out on me with some movie that was on when you got home.
Rob shrugged and started walking to his bedroom. I am serious, dude. Dont believe me, go try and get it up right now. I bet you wont even be able to get a boner. When he got to his door he turned around. Well , not that I dont love our post drunken blackout bonding sessions, but I really need for my head to hit the pillow for a few hours or Ill never be able to make Cindys party tonight.
Was I invited to that?
You were, but seeing as how shes best friends with Sunshine Im guessing your invite has been revoked.
So well head over there about nine then?
Make it ten. I wanna check out the band playing at Rivers Bar tonight. By then everyone should be hammered enough not to care you showed up. With that Rob shut the door.
Scott shook his head in disbelief. I need some sleep, he told himself. Before he did though he went to the closet and grabbed his stash of skin magazines from the top shelf and through them on the bed. He dropped his pants and got into reading position on his bed.
Before he cracked open his favorite issue he got up just to make sure his door was locked.
Back on his bed he flipped through to the page with the redhead whose hips measured 64 inches in diameter (or at least that is what the caption claimed). Then he paged through to the layout of the blonde whose gigantic domed tummy jutted out in front of her just a hair further then her HH cup breasts.
Both these photo sets were enough to usually have Scott rock hard and reaching for the lotion, but on this occasion he felt nothing.
In his frustration Scotty tossed the magazine across the room and moved on to one that had a spread with an extreme hourglass with saddlebags too wide to fit through doors.
Nothing.
A chubby little pear shape eating a cheeseburger in bed.
Nothing.
What the hell, Scott hissed when he hurled the last magazine against the far wall. He pulled up his pants and threw on a clean t-shirt, or at least one that smelled okay. It ended up being one with a faded image of Cartman from South Park. He walked out to the hallway and stormed into Robs room. His roommate was face down on his futon.
Dont you knock?
Tell me more about what I have to do about this curse, Scott demanded.
Rob rolled over, a smug grin plastered across his face. Its easy. Go find your last seven girlfriends that kicked you to the curb...ending with Sunshine of course then battle them until they admit defeat. And you have to do it all by midnight or else the curse stands.
Easy enough I guess.
But be prepared, they all know youre coming and have been given some of Sunshines Wiccan powers to aid them. So it wont be easy, Rob warned
Thats not fair. What about me?
Rob looked perplexed. Not sure. I think its different for everyone. He shrugged. I guess youll find out, wont you.
Scott turned to leave. How do you know about this stuff anyway? he asked over his shoulder.
Had it happen to me once.
Really? When?
Before I knew you. I kissed the sister of this chick I had been dating for like a week one night when I was drunk. I didnt even know she was a Wiccan.
So you had to go fight a bunch of your exes?
Rob shook his head. No. She hit me with a different curse. Bitch turned me into a goat.
No kidding, Scott said skeptically.
Dead serious, and the only way I could reverse the curse was to go find seven of her exes and bite them, thus turning them into goats and freeing me.
Seven, huh? Scotts skeptical tone was even stronger.
Robb nodded. Its a pretty common number in curses. Sometimes youll see three, but mostly its seven. Seven years, seven battles, seven midgets standard stuff, he said as if it were common knowledge.
Uh, yeah, well thanks, I guess. Ill go battle my last seven exes then.
Yeah whatever. Remember well head over to Cindys at ten that is if you arent lying in the gutter somewhere defeated in battle, Rob chuckled before collapsing back into the fetal position.
