Not sure how many of you have read Rodger's long manifesto, which is really a memory in book form. I read the whole thing, and thought a lot of what makes a seemingly pretty normal kid grow up to where unthinkable acts are first fantasies, then possibilities, then plans, then inevitability.
So there was a very intelligent young man capable of writing a long and carefully crafted memoir virtually devoid of errors, yet revealing a haunted personality yearning for female companionship that seemed unattainable to him. He never really tried to make contact, instead perceiving not being approached as deliberate snubs, which eventually grew into burning rage of being denied what he felt was duly his (girls, sex). Most tragically, authorities stood and interrogated mere feet away from his stash of weapons and writings, yet never searched for them, nor apparently checked for weapons purchase records.
I mentally compared his life to mine and wondered how conclusions and working through things can have such different outcomes, and also perhaps how close we all are from doing the wrong thing.
Rodgers was short as a kid, half Asian and half Caucasian, and had immigrated into the US with his parents at a young age. He had generally happy (and affluent) childhood years, albeit always with a burning drive and desire to be part of the cool kids, which always eluded him.
Puberty was deeply disturbing and baffling to him, as I suppose it's to most of us. He began to see girls as wildly desirable, but also unattainable and, worse, never even noticing him. His anger then extended to the cool kids who had no problem connecting. He came up with all sorts of schemes to be popular, like buying fancy clothes, having a fancy car, etc., etc., but never actually even tried to make contact. He simply flew into a rage whenever he saw happy young couples or girls he desired, always convinced they never even noticed him. To the extent where he quit classes, spent days and nights playing World of Warcraft, and just generally despaired.
I went to an all-boy high school and so never had the issue of being distracted by girls in school. And in my class we were all friends and there were no cliques. But I sure do remember the anxiety of having a girlfriend, wondering if this one or that was attainable, liked me, had interest in me, etc., etc. Being thrilled to go on a date, or deeply depressed over a breakup or when striking out when trying to get to connect with someone I was enchanted with. Or chastising myself when I didn't have the courage to even approach someone and ask.
Rodgers' conclusion simply was that sexuality was evil, made his life miserable, and he did not get what he felt he was entitled to. Those parts almost read like something out of a bizarro world where things simply don't proceed the way we instinctively know they should, where our inherent logic dictates what comes next and what should be done, and what not. Reading it, I almost wondered if that's one result of a society where competing is almost discouraged and simply showing up rewarded.
That all said, it also made me think just how dangerously powerful a force sexuality is. It's a source of great pleasure, as it needs to be or else humanity would long be extinct, but it has dark sides that all too easily can lead astray, and sometimes with disastrous consequences.
One day we'll likely figure out what, in a brain or consciousness, has the markers that indicate an individual's inability to stay within societal boundaries, and how strong those boundaries are. Or statisticians, having available for analysis an ever great flood of personal information, may develop automated multiple regression routines that can sound alarms.
Until then, these kinds of tragedies will continue to happen, and often where we least expect them.
So there was a very intelligent young man capable of writing a long and carefully crafted memoir virtually devoid of errors, yet revealing a haunted personality yearning for female companionship that seemed unattainable to him. He never really tried to make contact, instead perceiving not being approached as deliberate snubs, which eventually grew into burning rage of being denied what he felt was duly his (girls, sex). Most tragically, authorities stood and interrogated mere feet away from his stash of weapons and writings, yet never searched for them, nor apparently checked for weapons purchase records.
I mentally compared his life to mine and wondered how conclusions and working through things can have such different outcomes, and also perhaps how close we all are from doing the wrong thing.
Rodgers was short as a kid, half Asian and half Caucasian, and had immigrated into the US with his parents at a young age. He had generally happy (and affluent) childhood years, albeit always with a burning drive and desire to be part of the cool kids, which always eluded him.
Puberty was deeply disturbing and baffling to him, as I suppose it's to most of us. He began to see girls as wildly desirable, but also unattainable and, worse, never even noticing him. His anger then extended to the cool kids who had no problem connecting. He came up with all sorts of schemes to be popular, like buying fancy clothes, having a fancy car, etc., etc., but never actually even tried to make contact. He simply flew into a rage whenever he saw happy young couples or girls he desired, always convinced they never even noticed him. To the extent where he quit classes, spent days and nights playing World of Warcraft, and just generally despaired.
I went to an all-boy high school and so never had the issue of being distracted by girls in school. And in my class we were all friends and there were no cliques. But I sure do remember the anxiety of having a girlfriend, wondering if this one or that was attainable, liked me, had interest in me, etc., etc. Being thrilled to go on a date, or deeply depressed over a breakup or when striking out when trying to get to connect with someone I was enchanted with. Or chastising myself when I didn't have the courage to even approach someone and ask.
Rodgers' conclusion simply was that sexuality was evil, made his life miserable, and he did not get what he felt he was entitled to. Those parts almost read like something out of a bizarro world where things simply don't proceed the way we instinctively know they should, where our inherent logic dictates what comes next and what should be done, and what not. Reading it, I almost wondered if that's one result of a society where competing is almost discouraged and simply showing up rewarded.
That all said, it also made me think just how dangerously powerful a force sexuality is. It's a source of great pleasure, as it needs to be or else humanity would long be extinct, but it has dark sides that all too easily can lead astray, and sometimes with disastrous consequences.
One day we'll likely figure out what, in a brain or consciousness, has the markers that indicate an individual's inability to stay within societal boundaries, and how strong those boundaries are. Or statisticians, having available for analysis an ever great flood of personal information, may develop automated multiple regression routines that can sound alarms.
Until then, these kinds of tragedies will continue to happen, and often where we least expect them.
