FaxMachine1234
you know it
[or, Ekim uses Dimensions as his online therapist version 3.0]
Okay, so I'm 20 years old, and in the middle of my sophomore year of college (why not a junior? don't ask). I started gaining for reals around '02 before my freshman year of high school, and i went from 160-200 (I'm 5'9" and without muscle tone, btw), which I stayed at until senior year, when I inadvertently dropped down to about 170. When I got to college...I'll admit it, I was homesick and depressed (even after I got my first girlfriend), and it just kept snowballing, and over the next year and a half I've gained up to where I currently am, 215.
I've been of two minds about this issue pretty much all my life. There been the "skinny" me, who wants me to get down to around 160-170, who likes not having to worry about the societal crap and just wants to be the same size as my friends. Then, there's the "fat" me, who gets a kick about eating a lot, putting on weight, and being fat in general. I've never been totally one guy or the other, which is why I've always been chubby, nothing else. And thankfully, I've got a small bit of charm in me which allows me to make friends despite all this mental haranguing.
The thing is, though, that up until now (like the last month or two), I've never been happy with myself. As an online acquaintance once put it, I'm too fat as the rest of the world sees it, and I'm too small for the online weight gain world. If I gained weight, then I'd be way bigger then my friends feel awkward around them, but if I lost weight, I'd feel like I was missing out on all the fun WG stuff that I read about and talked about with my online gaining/etc. friends. Seriously, it's been about five years of this back and forth.
But over this Christmas break, as I've reached the highest weight I've ever been, I've started to become a little bit more comfortable with being big. I still feel a little awkward, but I think I like fine in the mirror now and I think my friends have adjusted. Problem is, I'm still not satisfied with myself, because I don't want to be this particular weight. I've never envisioned myself as being 215 lbs.; in my mind I'm either about 250 or 150 lbs., and in my mind I feel like I could be either one if I put my mind to it. I get a kick out of having a lot of fat on me and being a big guy, but it definitely has its drawbacks and being within 40 pounds of a "normal" weight, the temptation to go back to that and just live out my life "normally" like all my friends do (and I did senior year) is very tempting. Then again, I know a number of fat people who have good social lives as well...and it just keeps going back and forth.
Being 20 years old and having spent my entire teenage years feeling down about myself for not being either skinny or fat but just the unsatisfactorily mushy middle, I don't want to spend one more second there than I need to. I especially feel my social life over the past year and a half at college has suffered, not because of my weight, but my lack of confidence over what I want to do with myself. I'm not pretending like coming to a decision about this will fix anything, but lord knows it'll be a good start.
So, ahem, thoughts/advice/relief?
Peeps who went through this kind of thing when they were my age would bring some awesome perspective, especially.
Okay, so I'm 20 years old, and in the middle of my sophomore year of college (why not a junior? don't ask). I started gaining for reals around '02 before my freshman year of high school, and i went from 160-200 (I'm 5'9" and without muscle tone, btw), which I stayed at until senior year, when I inadvertently dropped down to about 170. When I got to college...I'll admit it, I was homesick and depressed (even after I got my first girlfriend), and it just kept snowballing, and over the next year and a half I've gained up to where I currently am, 215.
I've been of two minds about this issue pretty much all my life. There been the "skinny" me, who wants me to get down to around 160-170, who likes not having to worry about the societal crap and just wants to be the same size as my friends. Then, there's the "fat" me, who gets a kick about eating a lot, putting on weight, and being fat in general. I've never been totally one guy or the other, which is why I've always been chubby, nothing else. And thankfully, I've got a small bit of charm in me which allows me to make friends despite all this mental haranguing.
The thing is, though, that up until now (like the last month or two), I've never been happy with myself. As an online acquaintance once put it, I'm too fat as the rest of the world sees it, and I'm too small for the online weight gain world. If I gained weight, then I'd be way bigger then my friends feel awkward around them, but if I lost weight, I'd feel like I was missing out on all the fun WG stuff that I read about and talked about with my online gaining/etc. friends. Seriously, it's been about five years of this back and forth.
But over this Christmas break, as I've reached the highest weight I've ever been, I've started to become a little bit more comfortable with being big. I still feel a little awkward, but I think I like fine in the mirror now and I think my friends have adjusted. Problem is, I'm still not satisfied with myself, because I don't want to be this particular weight. I've never envisioned myself as being 215 lbs.; in my mind I'm either about 250 or 150 lbs., and in my mind I feel like I could be either one if I put my mind to it. I get a kick out of having a lot of fat on me and being a big guy, but it definitely has its drawbacks and being within 40 pounds of a "normal" weight, the temptation to go back to that and just live out my life "normally" like all my friends do (and I did senior year) is very tempting. Then again, I know a number of fat people who have good social lives as well...and it just keeps going back and forth.
Being 20 years old and having spent my entire teenage years feeling down about myself for not being either skinny or fat but just the unsatisfactorily mushy middle, I don't want to spend one more second there than I need to. I especially feel my social life over the past year and a half at college has suffered, not because of my weight, but my lack of confidence over what I want to do with myself. I'm not pretending like coming to a decision about this will fix anything, but lord knows it'll be a good start.
So, ahem, thoughts/advice/relief?
Peeps who went through this kind of thing when they were my age would bring some awesome perspective, especially.
