Ok, i got something to say, but I don't where to say it so i'm just gonna throw it out there and you guys can read it or judge it or whatever. Don't expect it be stylish, poetic or even coherent, i'm just trying to textualise the clutter in my mind.
I just got out of a long distance relationship. As in she lived in Germany (I live in the UK). We spent a week together in Germany and feel madly in love and then when I returned home I promised i would go see her as much as I could. so the days passed and everyday I got a text message or we spoke on the internet and we would send pictures of ourselves to each other, but the recurring theme was the fact that we told each other we love one another. But as the time came closer to my return to Germany the 'I love you's faded and she blamed on no 'pay-as-you-go' credit on her phone. I accepted that, thinking no more of it.
When I arrived in Germany after 9 hours of trains, planes and tramps, I could clearly tell something was off. I quickly accredited this to the presence of her father whom I found to be overbearing and protective last time we met. On the drive back to where we were staying she failed to speak two words to me and when we got to where I was staying she showed me my flat and then left without a kiss or a proper goodnight. I felt that was a bit strange and perhaps I was being Naive but i blamed it on her nerves. (neither of us were hardly extrovertly brave people)
The next day i accompanied her to high school for want of something to do. During the day she seemed more interested in her friends than she was with me, but dutifully I looked over it and when the school day was over, we went back to the flat I was staying in and we watched a movie. I think here was a defining part in our relationship though I may not have noticed it. I put my arm around her but was too..i don't know...to notice that she failed to reciprocate the gesture, I think i may have spoke incessant love crap at here and finally she had to leave because it was late.
Over the rest of my sojourn to Germany she became increasingly distant and finally I confronted he, saying that I wasn't sure about her feelings about me. She told me she was very busy and school and with her family and that she didn't have time for a relationship. We became even more distant until finally I felt less of a guest of hers and more of a responsibility. The day before I left she sat down and told me everything I already knew and more that I didn't want to know. She said she wasn't the kind of person who liked relationships. How can you not like relationships? The idea seems absurd, to me being in a relationship is one of the most important things a person can have. There is no replacement for 'belonging' in my opinion.
I finally saw our relationship slip away down the plughole when she said goodbye to me at the airport, hugged me (a gesture) and then she walked away and didn't turn back, even once. The glass door slid shut behind her emotionlessly declaring our relationship over and now two weeks later we have only spoken token words over the internet.
When I finally realised it was over, it hurt like a bitch. I mean I was crushed, but body actually reciprocated the feelings as I lost my apetite and feel very frail and week. But now i'm home I'm eating better, I'm getting back into the routine and now I think I'm starting to let go. I still remember the fond times we had together, but when I do it seems like an echo or something that two completely differant people did. Perhaps that's what 'compartmentalising' is all about.
I think i'm over her now, but I'm never going to forget the emotions that I went through during the time we spent together.
So that's it. My bitter tale over and what not. I suppose the reason I posted was to say that it is never a good thing to scrabble at something that you know has past, you have to let go of the past to grab hold of the future. So when you feel lost:
Just let it all go.
I just got out of a long distance relationship. As in she lived in Germany (I live in the UK). We spent a week together in Germany and feel madly in love and then when I returned home I promised i would go see her as much as I could. so the days passed and everyday I got a text message or we spoke on the internet and we would send pictures of ourselves to each other, but the recurring theme was the fact that we told each other we love one another. But as the time came closer to my return to Germany the 'I love you's faded and she blamed on no 'pay-as-you-go' credit on her phone. I accepted that, thinking no more of it.
When I arrived in Germany after 9 hours of trains, planes and tramps, I could clearly tell something was off. I quickly accredited this to the presence of her father whom I found to be overbearing and protective last time we met. On the drive back to where we were staying she failed to speak two words to me and when we got to where I was staying she showed me my flat and then left without a kiss or a proper goodnight. I felt that was a bit strange and perhaps I was being Naive but i blamed it on her nerves. (neither of us were hardly extrovertly brave people)
The next day i accompanied her to high school for want of something to do. During the day she seemed more interested in her friends than she was with me, but dutifully I looked over it and when the school day was over, we went back to the flat I was staying in and we watched a movie. I think here was a defining part in our relationship though I may not have noticed it. I put my arm around her but was too..i don't know...to notice that she failed to reciprocate the gesture, I think i may have spoke incessant love crap at here and finally she had to leave because it was late.
Over the rest of my sojourn to Germany she became increasingly distant and finally I confronted he, saying that I wasn't sure about her feelings about me. She told me she was very busy and school and with her family and that she didn't have time for a relationship. We became even more distant until finally I felt less of a guest of hers and more of a responsibility. The day before I left she sat down and told me everything I already knew and more that I didn't want to know. She said she wasn't the kind of person who liked relationships. How can you not like relationships? The idea seems absurd, to me being in a relationship is one of the most important things a person can have. There is no replacement for 'belonging' in my opinion.
I finally saw our relationship slip away down the plughole when she said goodbye to me at the airport, hugged me (a gesture) and then she walked away and didn't turn back, even once. The glass door slid shut behind her emotionlessly declaring our relationship over and now two weeks later we have only spoken token words over the internet.
When I finally realised it was over, it hurt like a bitch. I mean I was crushed, but body actually reciprocated the feelings as I lost my apetite and feel very frail and week. But now i'm home I'm eating better, I'm getting back into the routine and now I think I'm starting to let go. I still remember the fond times we had together, but when I do it seems like an echo or something that two completely differant people did. Perhaps that's what 'compartmentalising' is all about.
I think i'm over her now, but I'm never going to forget the emotions that I went through during the time we spent together.
So that's it. My bitter tale over and what not. I suppose the reason I posted was to say that it is never a good thing to scrabble at something that you know has past, you have to let go of the past to grab hold of the future. So when you feel lost:
Just let it all go.
