~BBW, ~SWG - Brandon sorts out unexpected feelings from his inner self
Brandon, if you look at that clock one more time, Im going to take it off the wall and hand it to you! Mrs. Ellison scowled at him from the top of her wire-rimmed spectacles while a couple students chuckled.
Brandon felt Johanna shove his chair from behind, and he turned around to see her grinning at him.
No matter how hard he tried, Brandon could never get started on the stupid 10-minute Free-Writing assignments that his creative writing teacher made them do at the end of every class. The ideas just wouldnt come. He stared down at the empty white page and wished as hard as he could for some idea to pop into his head. Mrs. Ellison always told them to just start writing whatever they were thinking about, and that the ideas would flow from there.
Brandon fought the urge to look at the clock again (it had only been 3 minutes?!?) and wrote the first thing that came to mind: I am in creative writing class.
That was stupid, and he knew Johanna was going to make fun of him forever when they had to read their writing to the class. He would have to do better than that.
Johanna is sitting behind me. She is my girlfriend. We have been dating for 8 months and she likes to laugh at me a lot. She has curly brown hair and really hot legs. He looked this over- no, too much like a diary entry. Ugh. Brandon turned the page and started over. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine something-anything. He had been thinking about Johanna, so the first thing he imagined was a girl with brown hair.
There once was a girl who went who went to....uh, to... Brandons pencil stopped scratching. Why was this so hard? He rubbed his eyes with his hand as he listened to all of the other students furiously writing down free associations. He knew their time must be almost up. Another useless writing session with nothing to show for it.
He put his pencil back down and started writing automatically. He wasnt even paying attention to what was coming out on the page, he was just frustrated that he was having to take this stupid summer school class instead of going on vacation with his parents on a cruise to the Caribbean. If only he hadnt failed last years English composition class, he wouldnt be stuck inside this classroom with all the other losers and jokers who were having to take make-up sessions.
Brandon was so absorbed in his frustration that he was actually surprised when Mrs. Ellison shouted for them to stop writing and move their desks into a circle to share what they had free-associated.
Brandon sat between a still-giggling Johanna and a football guy named Tim. Across the room was Brandons best friend, Jackson, who made a face at him. Jackson was a horrible writer, but a great suck-up, and usually got away with whatever he wanted. Mrs. Ellison was proving a tough case to crack, despite Jacksons best efforts.
Jackson started the circle off with a poem about how his life had been forever changed by the caring ministrations of their most kind and erudite instructor. The class chuckled as Mrs. Ellison rolled her eyes. Brandon listened to some of the jocks write sports stories, the girls write dopey romance, and the one geeky computer kid write some weirdo epic about a clan of warrior elves who were crossing some mountain range on their way to battle something-or-other.
Johannas writing was a thinly fictionalized account of their last make-out session in the back of his truck. Now it was his turn to roll his eyes as the class laughed.
He knew she was just doing it to tease him, but Brandon wished she wouldnt treat everything they did as community property. He winced as she read a line about the heros plaid boxers and saw Jackson mime a high five from across the room.
Brandon was so relieved when she stopped reading that he forgot to be nervous that his turn was coming up. Suddenly, he found all eyes on him as he read the words he had written on the page in front of him.
In another world, theres a school like this one where everyone is different. They dont have the stress outlets we have here, like sports. They get frustrated with things like society and parents and pressure to always be good at everything, but they push it down inside of them. Every day, they stuff their problems way, way down deep inside and then bury them.
The room was silent as Brandon finished reading. Mrs. Ellison actually looked interested. Johanna looked surprised, along with the rest of the class.
Wow, Brandon, where did that come from, huh? Jackson joked as the students moved the desks back and collected their books to go home. Youre secretly some amazing creative genius and youve been hiding it from us!
Brandon smiled and gave him a shove, but in the back of his mind, he too was surprised at the words that had come from him seemingly out of nowhere. Especially the last line, which he had not read out loud: In this world, everyone is fat.
2
Brandon and Johanna pulled into the McDonalds on their way home from class. It had become part of their summer school routine. Johanna was still teasing him about blushing during her reading.
Youre such a prude! she said as she hopped out of the car and skipped toward the entrance of the fast food restaurant. It was supposed to turn you on!
Brandon hated when she said stuff like this. It made him feel like if he got embarrassed when she shared details of their personal lives then there must be something wrong with him. Johanna made it seem like any other guy would be totally cool with her spreading whatever stories she wanted to whoever she felt like, and that he was just supposed to act like that was normal.
He was still in a bad mood when they ordered and when they sat down to eat.
Whats with that thing you read in class today? Johanna asked as she bit into her cheeseburger. You got really deep all of a sudden, took us by surprise.
Brandons normal writings were random sentences about what was going on in his life that day, or about how he didnt know what he wanted to do when he graduated.
Yeah, I dont know, he mumbled. He hated when Johanna put him on the spot. He knew she wasnt doing it to be mean, she was just really inconsiderate sometimes and didnt think about how her actions would make other people feel. They had grown up in the same neighborhood and had gone to school with each other for years. Brandon had felt like the luckiest guy when they had started dating. She had been his first kiss.
Other than her capriciousness and irreverent tendency to giggle about even the most serious things, Johanna was a great girl. She had really pretty green eyes and long hair that he liked to play with when they were watching a movie together on his couch. She had freckles on her nose and was a really good kisser. He just hated how sometimes she would embarrass him in front of other people, or tell people stuff about him that he considered private.
Johanna was bubbly and laughing all the time, and never took anything seriously, so by the time they had finished their burgers and fries, he was in a better mood. Johanna went to the bathroom while he cleared the trays. He didnt want to mention it to his girlfriend, but he had some serious questions about his writing assignment in class. Where had that come from, especially the part about fat people? What did it mean about Brandon? Was there some part of himself that he didnt know about?
When he saw the familiar brown curls bounce past, he reached for her arm. Hey, Im over here.
The girl turned around, and Brandon saw his mistake. This girl had brown, bouncy curls, but she was much, much bigger than Johanna.
Surprised and embarrassed, Brandons eyes took in the smooth skin on her round face and bright green eyes; tiny, full lips painted a bright berry red; the barely-there shadow of a chin; a pair of big, round, blushing breasts peeping out over the neckline of a tight short-sleeved blouse; soft, round arms that dimpled at the elbow and the wrist, all pink and white and smooth like a babys skin; a thick, full waist that buoyed the girls breasts up almost into her chin; wide, round hips that were holding up a stack of rolls on either side of her belly, which filled the shirt she was wearing to its capacity and hung down over the waistband of her pants; and lastly, a pair of tiny, dainty feet, which only made her legs look even thicker and wider and rounder because they were so small in comparison.
Brandon stood there open mouthed as the girl smiled sweetly and expectantly. Yes?
Oh, Im sorry, I thought you were my girlfriend.
She laughed politely. Thats ok. Have a good night.
She turned to go, delicately navigating herself around the booths and chairs. Brandon made his way outside and saw Johanna sitting in his truck already, leaning out the window.
Where were you? she called, smiling. Lets go!
Brandon climbed into the truck beside her and tried to organize his thoughts as Johanna sang along to the country radio station. He didnt know why, but looking at the figure of the girl in McDonalds made him feel the same mild astonishment he had felt when he saw what he had written in class. He couldnt stop retracing the curves of her ample body in his mind, and as a result, he almost drove past his own driveway.
Whoa there! Johanna laughed and called him a space cadet. Their routine had been to grab dinner on the way home from class and then to Brandons house, where they would lounge in the hot tub for a few hours until Johanna had to be home. Brandons parents almost never went out of town, so the time alone in the house was a high school couples dream, a big step up from the back of Brandons truck.
Brandon liked the hot tub. It was a good way to relax, and he liked having Johanna there with him. She was funny and good company, and made him feel good about himself. Tonight, however, he found himself getting annoyed with her constant chatter and sexual innuendos. He had a lot of his mind, and all he really wanted right then was to be alone to do some thinking about all the weird thoughts that had begun to crowd his head and wouldnt leave him alone.
Johanna sensed his mind was elsewhere.
Youre not paying attention to me! she pouted and slid over next to him in the tub. When her curly hair was wet, it looked smaller and flatter against her head, which made her eyes look bigger and more childlike. Johanna was 18, but she looked (and sometimes acted) much younger. This was part of the reason that Brandon still hadnt slept with her.
He didnt know why he was waiting so long. She was plenty willing, and they had done everything but sex, but for some reason, Brandon just felt weird about it. He knew that she had dated other guys before him, and he was pretty sure that she had slept with at least one of them. He didnt want to ask her, though, because he just didnt want to think of her with anybody else. He knew she would deny it, and Johanna had always been a terrible liar.
He sighed again, and felt his bad mood from earlier returning. Johanna sensed it too, and slid onto his lap in the water, draping her arms around his shoulders.
Hey, she said, looking into his eyes, Whats wrong?
Instead of waiting for an answer, she gave him a kiss, long and hard. Brandon always liked kissing her, but Johanna seemed to think that making out was a solution to every problem, and sometimes Brandon suspected that she only kissed him as a way to avoid talking about problems. All these thoughts on top of the ones he had already been having kept him from being as excited as he normally would have been kissing Johannas talented little mouth.
He felt one of her slim hands slide from around his shoulder down his arm, down his waist, and into his lap, gently stroking him under the water. She giggled as she felt him get harder, and moved to kiss his ear, one of his favorite places. His mind was still preoccupied, so he didnt notice right away that he was fantasizing about a different girl.
With closed eyes, he began to imagine that the girl kissing him was the girl he had seen earlier, the girl whose roundness, whose fullness he couldnt seem to get out of his head. In the hot tub, he found it easy to imagine the size and weight of a bigger, heavier girl on top of him, caressing him slowly between his legs, and, shockingly, he realized that he had become rock hard.
Johanna had noticed too, and giggled in a self-satisfied way as she helped him find release. He shut his eyes and climaxed to a vision of fullness, roundness, warmth and sensuality. Spent, he shuddered and relaxed in the tub, laying his head back on the edge behind him.
Mmmm, was that nice? purred Johanna as she rested her head on his still heaving chest.
Yeah, murmured Brandon with his eyes still closed. Really nice.
3
The McDonalds was full of families and kids. Brandon tried to look inconspicuous as he sipped a Coke in the corner, but he stood out as the only person who was there alone.
He still couldnt believe that he was here. The whole idea was stupid. About a week after his first writing class, he had started having dreams and fantasies about bigger people. Not just girls, whole cities of fat people. He had no idea why this started, but he was finding it harder and harder to keep his thoughts from wandering to fatness.
He had attempted the creative free-writing exercise on his own at home a couple times, with similar results. It seemed like every time he touched his pencil to paper and let his mind wander, it would turn to detailed descriptions of fat bodies, or of people eating, stuffing themselves or each other. Sometimes, he would have a hard-on by the end, and have to stop writing to relieve himself.
Brandon was nervous. He knew that these types of thoughts and feelings must be either rare or taboo, because ne had never heard any guys talking about feeling like this before, or girls either, for that matter. He didnt know if it was normal. All he knew was what his body was telling him, and what his body wanted was more.
Brandons parents had returned home from the cruise, happy and sunburned, so Brandon had more time to himself in the evenings to think about his new problem.
He still hung out with Johanna, but he found himself choosing activities like seeing movies that didnt require much conversation. He liked being around her, but she wasnt such great company when you had a lot on your mind. If she noticed his preoccupation, he couldnt tell, and so he figured that if she noticed anything different about him, she would have told him by now.
He couldnt stop noticing hugely fat people wherever they went. Once Johanna actually slapped his hand playfully at an Italian restaurant when he trailed off in mid-sentence as he noticed a super-sized couple walk through the front door.
Brandon! Johanna said in mock seriousness, Dont stare, its so rude!
She thought he had been staring out of wonder and mild disgust, like so many others, when really he had been looking at the fat bodies as a type of puzzle that he was hoping to learn the answer to.
He began to notice the different ways that everyone carried fat on their bodies. He learned the difference in how a belly hung low and flabby or stuck out buoyant and rounded. He noticed lumbering, waddling, and the odd way that some people swung their legs in circles beneath their massive guts in order to shift their bulk forward. It fascinated him, all of it.
The day after his Italian food date, he began to drop Johanna off at her house right after class, claiming he had errands to run for his parents. He would drive past fast food restaurants and Wal-Marts, observing people and trying to analyze his feelings.
What about size and fat was sexually arousing for him? The worst part of the whole thing was the self-imposed secrecy. He had always been close to his parents, especially his Mom, and had always talked to her about any girl-problems he was having, and she would sometimes playfully tease him about how Johanna was too good for him!
He knew this issue was different, but he still wasnt comfortable bringing it up with either her or his Dad. The other night after dinner, his Mom had actually taken him aside.
Ive noticed youve been so quiet since weve been home. Did you and Johanna have a fight? Brandon wanted so much to tell her about all his weird dreams, the odd feelings he got when he did free writing exercises, and his new-found fascination with big bodies. He wanted her to reassure him and pat his hair in her Mom way and tell him that it was ok, that he wasnt weird, that there wasnt anything wrong with him.
Instead, he glumly shook his head and just said that summer school was getting him down, and he was still unsure of what to do when he graduated. She smiled and told him that he would figure everything out in his own time. Brandon sure hoped so.
No matter how much time he spent alone, he wanted more. He had ignored two calls from Jackson that week, and in class, he didnt feel like joking around or laughing at Jacksons lame attempts to brown-nose Mrs. Ellison. He didnt even blush when Johanna read a steamy sex scene that he guessed was supposed to be a fantasy about the two of them. He was in his own world. He told himself, he just really thought it was important to understand this part of himself. Always in the back of his mind was the body of that first beautiful fat girl, the one he had mistaken for Johanna.
Finally, he decided to try to find her. That was yesterday; now, he found himself squeezed behind a booth in a noisy, overly-bright restaurant sipping a flat Coke and trying not to look like a stalker.
He realized the futility of his mission. He knew nothing about this girl other than the fact that she had been at that McDonalds about this time last week.
Maybe she hated McDonalds! he thought. Maybe last week was a fluke. Maybe shes married with 18 kids and wants nothing to do with high school seniors. Maybe she doesnt even live in this town. Maybe I completely hallucinated this woman and I am sitting here for no reason.
Brandon told himself that as soon as he finished his drink, he was going to leave and go home and stop this nonsense. He had a great life and a great girlfriend and a great set of friends and two great, loving parents. He was growing away from all of them, and for what? Something he didnt understand. Brandon reached the bottom of his Coke and he felt disappointment.
Come on, he thought to himself as he stood up. What were you expecting? Some kind of answer to all your problems? Did you expect this mystery girl to come waltzing into the McDonalds like a fairy godmother to give you a Q and A session? Frustrated, he crushed his empty soda cup and tossed it into the trash. A hip bumped into him hard and jostled his arm, landing his cup on the floor instead of in the bin. He bent to pick it up, then stood to see a girl. Not the girl he was hoping for.
But a girl who was plump, pretty, and now apologizing for crashing into him.
Its crazy in here with all these kids, she said as she excused herself and moved toward the counter to order. Brandon could feel his heart beating in his ears. This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid, he was telling himself over and over, but he knew his body was interested.
He took a deep breath and walked up to the counter and ordered another soda. The girl was waiting by the side of the counter and he joined her. Brandon wasnt shy, but he wasnt exactly a ladies man who exuded confidence and charm. If he hadnt really wanted to talk to this girl, he would have kept quiet and shuffled his feet and stared at the floor, but he made himself look at her.
Pretty face, dark brown hair with highlights, glasses, pink lipgloss. She looked like she was in her mid-twenties. Chubby, bordering on fat, but held it all in her belly, which made Brandon inwardly smile.
Hi, he said and smiled.
The girl smiled politely but was clearly wondering why a boy in a McDonalds was talking to her. Hello, she said, and then turned back toward the counter where her order was almost ready. Brandon knew this was his one chance, but mentally consoled himself that if she totally blew him off, it was ok.
If youre not sitting with anyone, youre welcome to sit with me, he said in what he hoped was a confident tone, but which was really only loud.
The woman smiled her polite but puzzled smile again.
Um, ok, she answered just as loudly and a bit slowly. Brandon realized she probably thought he was hard of hearing, and blushed. He led her to the booth he had been occupying in the back of the restaurant, which was still noisy and crowded.
Sorry, I just figured you might join me, he said in a normal-volume voice as they sat down.
No, its fine, she said as she unwrapped her sandwich. I usually eat at home, but I didnt feel like cooking tonight. Im moving into a new apartment and still havent unpacked all of my dishes.
She spoke pleasantly and conversationally, though Brandon could tell that part of her wondered if he was going to ask her for money or say something completely bizarre. He resolved to be as normal as possible.
He asked her where she moved from and learned that she was a Texas native who had moved out of state after college to work as a student teacher at a local high school (not Brandons). She was 24 and had just gotten a dog.
Brandon told her that he was in his last year of school and was planning to go away for college too, which he made up on the spot. He mentioned some of the small towns attractions (hot rod custom car show, chili cook-off, drive-in theater once a month) and hoped to show her that he was really just interested in talking to her and not trying to get anything out of it.
She was really pretty. She carried herself in a way that wasnt overly self-conscious of her size. She moved naturally, not trying to make herself seem smaller than she was or embarrassed about how her belly stuck out, increasingly so as she consumed her chicken sandwich, large fries, and strawberry shake.
She never looked down at her tray with embarrassment or seemed to think about her wobbling belly filling up in front of her. For this girl, Brandon realized, fat wasnt something that dominated her thoughts every waking minute. It was just part of her everyday life, like having brown eyes or being left-handed. It just didnt seem to be a big deal.
She finished her meal and smiled. Well, Id better be getting home to let the dog out. It was nice talking to you. I hope you have a good night!
Brandon began to panic. Was he supposed to ask for her number? Would that be too forward? Did he even want to see her again? Was it just her shape he was fascinated with? By this time, it was too late, she had walked her tray to the trash, and was pushing open the door to the restaurant. Brandon snapped out of his indecision, pushed his way through the crowded restaurant, tossed his Coke, and pushed his way toward the door just in time to see this girl- Brandon realized that he didnt even know her name-drive off in her compact car.
Brandon imagined that girls full belly packed tightly into the tiny vehicle, jiggling every time she ht a pothole, and felt his heartbeat quicken and his face flush. He knew it might be superficial, but he knew he wanted to see that girl again, even if it was to just watch her eat. As he drove home, he formulated crazy schemes to break into the headmasters office to discover some kind of master roster of all of the school districts student teachers, but he realized he didnt even know her name.
When he got home, Brandon went right to his room, claiming he had some creative writing homework to do. He ignored a phone call each from Johanna and Jackson and lay down on his bed. He imagined the girl from the restaurant and thought of names for her. Beth? Too school-teacher-y. Cherry? Too much like a stripper. He imagined her in a little red bikini doing a striptease on a pole with that round belly on display for all to see, and got hard almost at once. The name game would have to wait, he had some unfinished business.
Afterward, when he was lying exhausted and red-faced on his comforter, he realized something: he knew the name of the apartment building complex she had moved into, and he knew she had a dog. He could definitely find a way to see her again. Ignoring another call from Johanna, he turned out his lamp and went to sleep.
The Writing Exercise
by Sweet Tea
by Sweet Tea
Brandon, if you look at that clock one more time, Im going to take it off the wall and hand it to you! Mrs. Ellison scowled at him from the top of her wire-rimmed spectacles while a couple students chuckled.
Brandon felt Johanna shove his chair from behind, and he turned around to see her grinning at him.
No matter how hard he tried, Brandon could never get started on the stupid 10-minute Free-Writing assignments that his creative writing teacher made them do at the end of every class. The ideas just wouldnt come. He stared down at the empty white page and wished as hard as he could for some idea to pop into his head. Mrs. Ellison always told them to just start writing whatever they were thinking about, and that the ideas would flow from there.
Brandon fought the urge to look at the clock again (it had only been 3 minutes?!?) and wrote the first thing that came to mind: I am in creative writing class.
That was stupid, and he knew Johanna was going to make fun of him forever when they had to read their writing to the class. He would have to do better than that.
Johanna is sitting behind me. She is my girlfriend. We have been dating for 8 months and she likes to laugh at me a lot. She has curly brown hair and really hot legs. He looked this over- no, too much like a diary entry. Ugh. Brandon turned the page and started over. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine something-anything. He had been thinking about Johanna, so the first thing he imagined was a girl with brown hair.
There once was a girl who went who went to....uh, to... Brandons pencil stopped scratching. Why was this so hard? He rubbed his eyes with his hand as he listened to all of the other students furiously writing down free associations. He knew their time must be almost up. Another useless writing session with nothing to show for it.
He put his pencil back down and started writing automatically. He wasnt even paying attention to what was coming out on the page, he was just frustrated that he was having to take this stupid summer school class instead of going on vacation with his parents on a cruise to the Caribbean. If only he hadnt failed last years English composition class, he wouldnt be stuck inside this classroom with all the other losers and jokers who were having to take make-up sessions.
Brandon was so absorbed in his frustration that he was actually surprised when Mrs. Ellison shouted for them to stop writing and move their desks into a circle to share what they had free-associated.
Brandon sat between a still-giggling Johanna and a football guy named Tim. Across the room was Brandons best friend, Jackson, who made a face at him. Jackson was a horrible writer, but a great suck-up, and usually got away with whatever he wanted. Mrs. Ellison was proving a tough case to crack, despite Jacksons best efforts.
Jackson started the circle off with a poem about how his life had been forever changed by the caring ministrations of their most kind and erudite instructor. The class chuckled as Mrs. Ellison rolled her eyes. Brandon listened to some of the jocks write sports stories, the girls write dopey romance, and the one geeky computer kid write some weirdo epic about a clan of warrior elves who were crossing some mountain range on their way to battle something-or-other.
Johannas writing was a thinly fictionalized account of their last make-out session in the back of his truck. Now it was his turn to roll his eyes as the class laughed.
He knew she was just doing it to tease him, but Brandon wished she wouldnt treat everything they did as community property. He winced as she read a line about the heros plaid boxers and saw Jackson mime a high five from across the room.
Brandon was so relieved when she stopped reading that he forgot to be nervous that his turn was coming up. Suddenly, he found all eyes on him as he read the words he had written on the page in front of him.
In another world, theres a school like this one where everyone is different. They dont have the stress outlets we have here, like sports. They get frustrated with things like society and parents and pressure to always be good at everything, but they push it down inside of them. Every day, they stuff their problems way, way down deep inside and then bury them.
The room was silent as Brandon finished reading. Mrs. Ellison actually looked interested. Johanna looked surprised, along with the rest of the class.
Wow, Brandon, where did that come from, huh? Jackson joked as the students moved the desks back and collected their books to go home. Youre secretly some amazing creative genius and youve been hiding it from us!
Brandon smiled and gave him a shove, but in the back of his mind, he too was surprised at the words that had come from him seemingly out of nowhere. Especially the last line, which he had not read out loud: In this world, everyone is fat.
2
Brandon and Johanna pulled into the McDonalds on their way home from class. It had become part of their summer school routine. Johanna was still teasing him about blushing during her reading.
Youre such a prude! she said as she hopped out of the car and skipped toward the entrance of the fast food restaurant. It was supposed to turn you on!
Brandon hated when she said stuff like this. It made him feel like if he got embarrassed when she shared details of their personal lives then there must be something wrong with him. Johanna made it seem like any other guy would be totally cool with her spreading whatever stories she wanted to whoever she felt like, and that he was just supposed to act like that was normal.
He was still in a bad mood when they ordered and when they sat down to eat.
Whats with that thing you read in class today? Johanna asked as she bit into her cheeseburger. You got really deep all of a sudden, took us by surprise.
Brandons normal writings were random sentences about what was going on in his life that day, or about how he didnt know what he wanted to do when he graduated.
Yeah, I dont know, he mumbled. He hated when Johanna put him on the spot. He knew she wasnt doing it to be mean, she was just really inconsiderate sometimes and didnt think about how her actions would make other people feel. They had grown up in the same neighborhood and had gone to school with each other for years. Brandon had felt like the luckiest guy when they had started dating. She had been his first kiss.
Other than her capriciousness and irreverent tendency to giggle about even the most serious things, Johanna was a great girl. She had really pretty green eyes and long hair that he liked to play with when they were watching a movie together on his couch. She had freckles on her nose and was a really good kisser. He just hated how sometimes she would embarrass him in front of other people, or tell people stuff about him that he considered private.
Johanna was bubbly and laughing all the time, and never took anything seriously, so by the time they had finished their burgers and fries, he was in a better mood. Johanna went to the bathroom while he cleared the trays. He didnt want to mention it to his girlfriend, but he had some serious questions about his writing assignment in class. Where had that come from, especially the part about fat people? What did it mean about Brandon? Was there some part of himself that he didnt know about?
When he saw the familiar brown curls bounce past, he reached for her arm. Hey, Im over here.
The girl turned around, and Brandon saw his mistake. This girl had brown, bouncy curls, but she was much, much bigger than Johanna.
Surprised and embarrassed, Brandons eyes took in the smooth skin on her round face and bright green eyes; tiny, full lips painted a bright berry red; the barely-there shadow of a chin; a pair of big, round, blushing breasts peeping out over the neckline of a tight short-sleeved blouse; soft, round arms that dimpled at the elbow and the wrist, all pink and white and smooth like a babys skin; a thick, full waist that buoyed the girls breasts up almost into her chin; wide, round hips that were holding up a stack of rolls on either side of her belly, which filled the shirt she was wearing to its capacity and hung down over the waistband of her pants; and lastly, a pair of tiny, dainty feet, which only made her legs look even thicker and wider and rounder because they were so small in comparison.
Brandon stood there open mouthed as the girl smiled sweetly and expectantly. Yes?
Oh, Im sorry, I thought you were my girlfriend.
She laughed politely. Thats ok. Have a good night.
She turned to go, delicately navigating herself around the booths and chairs. Brandon made his way outside and saw Johanna sitting in his truck already, leaning out the window.
Where were you? she called, smiling. Lets go!
Brandon climbed into the truck beside her and tried to organize his thoughts as Johanna sang along to the country radio station. He didnt know why, but looking at the figure of the girl in McDonalds made him feel the same mild astonishment he had felt when he saw what he had written in class. He couldnt stop retracing the curves of her ample body in his mind, and as a result, he almost drove past his own driveway.
Whoa there! Johanna laughed and called him a space cadet. Their routine had been to grab dinner on the way home from class and then to Brandons house, where they would lounge in the hot tub for a few hours until Johanna had to be home. Brandons parents almost never went out of town, so the time alone in the house was a high school couples dream, a big step up from the back of Brandons truck.
Brandon liked the hot tub. It was a good way to relax, and he liked having Johanna there with him. She was funny and good company, and made him feel good about himself. Tonight, however, he found himself getting annoyed with her constant chatter and sexual innuendos. He had a lot of his mind, and all he really wanted right then was to be alone to do some thinking about all the weird thoughts that had begun to crowd his head and wouldnt leave him alone.
Johanna sensed his mind was elsewhere.
Youre not paying attention to me! she pouted and slid over next to him in the tub. When her curly hair was wet, it looked smaller and flatter against her head, which made her eyes look bigger and more childlike. Johanna was 18, but she looked (and sometimes acted) much younger. This was part of the reason that Brandon still hadnt slept with her.
He didnt know why he was waiting so long. She was plenty willing, and they had done everything but sex, but for some reason, Brandon just felt weird about it. He knew that she had dated other guys before him, and he was pretty sure that she had slept with at least one of them. He didnt want to ask her, though, because he just didnt want to think of her with anybody else. He knew she would deny it, and Johanna had always been a terrible liar.
He sighed again, and felt his bad mood from earlier returning. Johanna sensed it too, and slid onto his lap in the water, draping her arms around his shoulders.
Hey, she said, looking into his eyes, Whats wrong?
Instead of waiting for an answer, she gave him a kiss, long and hard. Brandon always liked kissing her, but Johanna seemed to think that making out was a solution to every problem, and sometimes Brandon suspected that she only kissed him as a way to avoid talking about problems. All these thoughts on top of the ones he had already been having kept him from being as excited as he normally would have been kissing Johannas talented little mouth.
He felt one of her slim hands slide from around his shoulder down his arm, down his waist, and into his lap, gently stroking him under the water. She giggled as she felt him get harder, and moved to kiss his ear, one of his favorite places. His mind was still preoccupied, so he didnt notice right away that he was fantasizing about a different girl.
With closed eyes, he began to imagine that the girl kissing him was the girl he had seen earlier, the girl whose roundness, whose fullness he couldnt seem to get out of his head. In the hot tub, he found it easy to imagine the size and weight of a bigger, heavier girl on top of him, caressing him slowly between his legs, and, shockingly, he realized that he had become rock hard.
Johanna had noticed too, and giggled in a self-satisfied way as she helped him find release. He shut his eyes and climaxed to a vision of fullness, roundness, warmth and sensuality. Spent, he shuddered and relaxed in the tub, laying his head back on the edge behind him.
Mmmm, was that nice? purred Johanna as she rested her head on his still heaving chest.
Yeah, murmured Brandon with his eyes still closed. Really nice.
3
The McDonalds was full of families and kids. Brandon tried to look inconspicuous as he sipped a Coke in the corner, but he stood out as the only person who was there alone.
He still couldnt believe that he was here. The whole idea was stupid. About a week after his first writing class, he had started having dreams and fantasies about bigger people. Not just girls, whole cities of fat people. He had no idea why this started, but he was finding it harder and harder to keep his thoughts from wandering to fatness.
He had attempted the creative free-writing exercise on his own at home a couple times, with similar results. It seemed like every time he touched his pencil to paper and let his mind wander, it would turn to detailed descriptions of fat bodies, or of people eating, stuffing themselves or each other. Sometimes, he would have a hard-on by the end, and have to stop writing to relieve himself.
Brandon was nervous. He knew that these types of thoughts and feelings must be either rare or taboo, because ne had never heard any guys talking about feeling like this before, or girls either, for that matter. He didnt know if it was normal. All he knew was what his body was telling him, and what his body wanted was more.
Brandons parents had returned home from the cruise, happy and sunburned, so Brandon had more time to himself in the evenings to think about his new problem.
He still hung out with Johanna, but he found himself choosing activities like seeing movies that didnt require much conversation. He liked being around her, but she wasnt such great company when you had a lot on your mind. If she noticed his preoccupation, he couldnt tell, and so he figured that if she noticed anything different about him, she would have told him by now.
He couldnt stop noticing hugely fat people wherever they went. Once Johanna actually slapped his hand playfully at an Italian restaurant when he trailed off in mid-sentence as he noticed a super-sized couple walk through the front door.
Brandon! Johanna said in mock seriousness, Dont stare, its so rude!
She thought he had been staring out of wonder and mild disgust, like so many others, when really he had been looking at the fat bodies as a type of puzzle that he was hoping to learn the answer to.
He began to notice the different ways that everyone carried fat on their bodies. He learned the difference in how a belly hung low and flabby or stuck out buoyant and rounded. He noticed lumbering, waddling, and the odd way that some people swung their legs in circles beneath their massive guts in order to shift their bulk forward. It fascinated him, all of it.
The day after his Italian food date, he began to drop Johanna off at her house right after class, claiming he had errands to run for his parents. He would drive past fast food restaurants and Wal-Marts, observing people and trying to analyze his feelings.
What about size and fat was sexually arousing for him? The worst part of the whole thing was the self-imposed secrecy. He had always been close to his parents, especially his Mom, and had always talked to her about any girl-problems he was having, and she would sometimes playfully tease him about how Johanna was too good for him!
He knew this issue was different, but he still wasnt comfortable bringing it up with either her or his Dad. The other night after dinner, his Mom had actually taken him aside.
Ive noticed youve been so quiet since weve been home. Did you and Johanna have a fight? Brandon wanted so much to tell her about all his weird dreams, the odd feelings he got when he did free writing exercises, and his new-found fascination with big bodies. He wanted her to reassure him and pat his hair in her Mom way and tell him that it was ok, that he wasnt weird, that there wasnt anything wrong with him.
Instead, he glumly shook his head and just said that summer school was getting him down, and he was still unsure of what to do when he graduated. She smiled and told him that he would figure everything out in his own time. Brandon sure hoped so.
No matter how much time he spent alone, he wanted more. He had ignored two calls from Jackson that week, and in class, he didnt feel like joking around or laughing at Jacksons lame attempts to brown-nose Mrs. Ellison. He didnt even blush when Johanna read a steamy sex scene that he guessed was supposed to be a fantasy about the two of them. He was in his own world. He told himself, he just really thought it was important to understand this part of himself. Always in the back of his mind was the body of that first beautiful fat girl, the one he had mistaken for Johanna.
Finally, he decided to try to find her. That was yesterday; now, he found himself squeezed behind a booth in a noisy, overly-bright restaurant sipping a flat Coke and trying not to look like a stalker.
He realized the futility of his mission. He knew nothing about this girl other than the fact that she had been at that McDonalds about this time last week.
Maybe she hated McDonalds! he thought. Maybe last week was a fluke. Maybe shes married with 18 kids and wants nothing to do with high school seniors. Maybe she doesnt even live in this town. Maybe I completely hallucinated this woman and I am sitting here for no reason.
Brandon told himself that as soon as he finished his drink, he was going to leave and go home and stop this nonsense. He had a great life and a great girlfriend and a great set of friends and two great, loving parents. He was growing away from all of them, and for what? Something he didnt understand. Brandon reached the bottom of his Coke and he felt disappointment.
Come on, he thought to himself as he stood up. What were you expecting? Some kind of answer to all your problems? Did you expect this mystery girl to come waltzing into the McDonalds like a fairy godmother to give you a Q and A session? Frustrated, he crushed his empty soda cup and tossed it into the trash. A hip bumped into him hard and jostled his arm, landing his cup on the floor instead of in the bin. He bent to pick it up, then stood to see a girl. Not the girl he was hoping for.
But a girl who was plump, pretty, and now apologizing for crashing into him.
Its crazy in here with all these kids, she said as she excused herself and moved toward the counter to order. Brandon could feel his heart beating in his ears. This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid, he was telling himself over and over, but he knew his body was interested.
He took a deep breath and walked up to the counter and ordered another soda. The girl was waiting by the side of the counter and he joined her. Brandon wasnt shy, but he wasnt exactly a ladies man who exuded confidence and charm. If he hadnt really wanted to talk to this girl, he would have kept quiet and shuffled his feet and stared at the floor, but he made himself look at her.
Pretty face, dark brown hair with highlights, glasses, pink lipgloss. She looked like she was in her mid-twenties. Chubby, bordering on fat, but held it all in her belly, which made Brandon inwardly smile.
Hi, he said and smiled.
The girl smiled politely but was clearly wondering why a boy in a McDonalds was talking to her. Hello, she said, and then turned back toward the counter where her order was almost ready. Brandon knew this was his one chance, but mentally consoled himself that if she totally blew him off, it was ok.
If youre not sitting with anyone, youre welcome to sit with me, he said in what he hoped was a confident tone, but which was really only loud.
The woman smiled her polite but puzzled smile again.
Um, ok, she answered just as loudly and a bit slowly. Brandon realized she probably thought he was hard of hearing, and blushed. He led her to the booth he had been occupying in the back of the restaurant, which was still noisy and crowded.
Sorry, I just figured you might join me, he said in a normal-volume voice as they sat down.
No, its fine, she said as she unwrapped her sandwich. I usually eat at home, but I didnt feel like cooking tonight. Im moving into a new apartment and still havent unpacked all of my dishes.
She spoke pleasantly and conversationally, though Brandon could tell that part of her wondered if he was going to ask her for money or say something completely bizarre. He resolved to be as normal as possible.
He asked her where she moved from and learned that she was a Texas native who had moved out of state after college to work as a student teacher at a local high school (not Brandons). She was 24 and had just gotten a dog.
Brandon told her that he was in his last year of school and was planning to go away for college too, which he made up on the spot. He mentioned some of the small towns attractions (hot rod custom car show, chili cook-off, drive-in theater once a month) and hoped to show her that he was really just interested in talking to her and not trying to get anything out of it.
She was really pretty. She carried herself in a way that wasnt overly self-conscious of her size. She moved naturally, not trying to make herself seem smaller than she was or embarrassed about how her belly stuck out, increasingly so as she consumed her chicken sandwich, large fries, and strawberry shake.
She never looked down at her tray with embarrassment or seemed to think about her wobbling belly filling up in front of her. For this girl, Brandon realized, fat wasnt something that dominated her thoughts every waking minute. It was just part of her everyday life, like having brown eyes or being left-handed. It just didnt seem to be a big deal.
She finished her meal and smiled. Well, Id better be getting home to let the dog out. It was nice talking to you. I hope you have a good night!
Brandon began to panic. Was he supposed to ask for her number? Would that be too forward? Did he even want to see her again? Was it just her shape he was fascinated with? By this time, it was too late, she had walked her tray to the trash, and was pushing open the door to the restaurant. Brandon snapped out of his indecision, pushed his way through the crowded restaurant, tossed his Coke, and pushed his way toward the door just in time to see this girl- Brandon realized that he didnt even know her name-drive off in her compact car.
Brandon imagined that girls full belly packed tightly into the tiny vehicle, jiggling every time she ht a pothole, and felt his heartbeat quicken and his face flush. He knew it might be superficial, but he knew he wanted to see that girl again, even if it was to just watch her eat. As he drove home, he formulated crazy schemes to break into the headmasters office to discover some kind of master roster of all of the school districts student teachers, but he realized he didnt even know her name.
When he got home, Brandon went right to his room, claiming he had some creative writing homework to do. He ignored a phone call each from Johanna and Jackson and lay down on his bed. He imagined the girl from the restaurant and thought of names for her. Beth? Too school-teacher-y. Cherry? Too much like a stripper. He imagined her in a little red bikini doing a striptease on a pole with that round belly on display for all to see, and got hard almost at once. The name game would have to wait, he had some unfinished business.
Afterward, when he was lying exhausted and red-faced on his comforter, he realized something: he knew the name of the apartment building complex she had moved into, and he knew she had a dog. He could definitely find a way to see her again. Ignoring another call from Johanna, he turned out his lamp and went to sleep.
