For the past several years I've been consumed with a certain question: to parent or not to parent? Though marriage and motherhood are dreams I've nursed for as long as I can remember, lately I've found myself pondering the gloomy reality of my situation -- I'm too damned broke to have kids.
My ambivalence about having children is one of the reasons my last relationship foundered. At 36 and with my biological clock clattering loudly, I took stock of my life and finally faced up to the dilemma of my personal finances -- a problem which had been quietly simmering on the back burner of my concerns for the better part of a decade. Just to lay it out for you, I have $15,000 worth of student loans outstanding; $20,000 in medical bills (I got my creditors down from a high of $38,000 after threatening to file for bankruptcy); and a few other debts which add up to about $5,000. In all, I owe no less than $40,000 to various civic institutions -- and I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Neither do I expect the liberal arts degree for which I put myself into hock to yield a lucrative career, as I once imagined.
The happy fantasy of tending a brood of apple-cheeked cherubs has, for me, given way to the grim picture of struggling to survive under a mountain of money issues: how to feed, clothe, school and save for my children's future whilst freighted with debt, fighting tooth and nail for some kind of foothold in an economy that may never return to the kind of prosperity we once enjoyed?
Though I haven’t wholly closed the door to the prospect of giving birth, the thought of remaining childless, while still somewhat bitter, increasingly appeals to me. When I see my child-rearing friends struggling month in and month out to make ends meet, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm single; as bad as my situation sometimes seems, marriage looks even worse -- forget children.
What strikes me most about my surprising change of heart is that it seems representative of the sad state of affairs in our society. Our greed and short-sightedness over the last few decades has seen us collectively squander the generations of hard work which built our country into a great nation. Why should I help to grow the population of a country that appears to value the well-being of its own citizens so little? Why should I hold out hope for the future of my own lineage in a country that’s gone into decline? Why should I believe anymore that the next generation will be better off than the one that preceded it? I’ve searched my heart and instead of the life-affirming answers I ‘d hoped I'd find, all I found was fatigue at thought of being worn down in vain pursuit of a life that now seems out of reach for all but the most privileged people.
What do you think? Has the once verdant oasis of American life – the family – vanished like a mirage?
My ambivalence about having children is one of the reasons my last relationship foundered. At 36 and with my biological clock clattering loudly, I took stock of my life and finally faced up to the dilemma of my personal finances -- a problem which had been quietly simmering on the back burner of my concerns for the better part of a decade. Just to lay it out for you, I have $15,000 worth of student loans outstanding; $20,000 in medical bills (I got my creditors down from a high of $38,000 after threatening to file for bankruptcy); and a few other debts which add up to about $5,000. In all, I owe no less than $40,000 to various civic institutions -- and I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Neither do I expect the liberal arts degree for which I put myself into hock to yield a lucrative career, as I once imagined.
The happy fantasy of tending a brood of apple-cheeked cherubs has, for me, given way to the grim picture of struggling to survive under a mountain of money issues: how to feed, clothe, school and save for my children's future whilst freighted with debt, fighting tooth and nail for some kind of foothold in an economy that may never return to the kind of prosperity we once enjoyed?
Though I haven’t wholly closed the door to the prospect of giving birth, the thought of remaining childless, while still somewhat bitter, increasingly appeals to me. When I see my child-rearing friends struggling month in and month out to make ends meet, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm single; as bad as my situation sometimes seems, marriage looks even worse -- forget children.
What strikes me most about my surprising change of heart is that it seems representative of the sad state of affairs in our society. Our greed and short-sightedness over the last few decades has seen us collectively squander the generations of hard work which built our country into a great nation. Why should I help to grow the population of a country that appears to value the well-being of its own citizens so little? Why should I hold out hope for the future of my own lineage in a country that’s gone into decline? Why should I believe anymore that the next generation will be better off than the one that preceded it? I’ve searched my heart and instead of the life-affirming answers I ‘d hoped I'd find, all I found was fatigue at thought of being worn down in vain pursuit of a life that now seems out of reach for all but the most privileged people.
What do you think? Has the once verdant oasis of American life – the family – vanished like a mirage?
