BlondeBiGuy
Member
...no, not the R Kelly song.
Im bisexual, Im chubby and Im attracted to other chubby people. Im in the closet about being an FA. Ive known I was this way more or less my entire life. Im 21 now. I have serious psychological issues with my weight as well as with my sexual preferences. I cant accept myself the way I am. Id accept anyone else for who they are, no matter what, but as is normal for me, the only vicious judgements I make are levelled at myself.
Ive been going through the worst depression of my life recently because one of my best friends found out about what I like and tried to drop it conversation a few times. It was then that I realized id been keeping this a secret so long that when it came to it, I was actually incapable of talking about it. Instead of admitting it and discussing it, I just mumbled vague non-committal responses and prayed for the floor to open and devour me. I want to escape this so badly. Everything else in my life is perfect more or less, most people would probably think im a very strong, stable, cool-headed person because thats how I present myself, but the foundations of that personality are weak and theyre rotting away.
Has anyone else ever felt suicidal purely out of shame? Perhaps you understand where im coming from when I say its not like being suicidal out of depression; its an utterly overwhelming, compelling urge not to exist any longer, to kill yourself more or less instantly. Its like an instinct, resisting it feels entirely wrong. A few weeks ago I had to lock myself in my room because I was afraid of any rash decisions I might have made if I left the house. The only thing that truly held me back was that my desire not to hurt or harm others is stronger than my will to die, and I couldnt put my family through having to deal with my departure. I feel a bit better now, though I still hate myself for what I am, and im living in a kind of silent limbo where I cant talk to anyone or escape or get any kind of release whatsoever, I dont want to live or die. Posting here was my best bet really, despite the fact I know people arent going to like me because Im presenting fat admiration and larger people in a very negative light. I dont hate fat people, but I hate myself for being fat. I dont hate FAs, in fact I love it when people find me attractive for my size, but I hate myself for being an FA, does anyone understand? If I could accept myself, I could talk about it. If I talked about it, It might help me accept myself.
This is me now at 21. I cant even begin to imagine where ill be when im 31. Perhaps the desire to die will have overwhelmed the love I have for my family, perhaps itll consume my entire world. I dont know for sure, but im very afraid. I'm also afraid that even if I manage to come out about this to everyone and everyone is really nice to me about it, it's not going to fix the judgements I make about myself.
Ive tried not to speak out of hurt here, ive tried to just explain things, but I guess theres no real way to say any of this without sounding whiny and melodramatic.
Can anyone share their experiences of coming out, or make any kind of comment or suggestion that might help me? I really dont know what else to do or who to ask. Also, appologies, I realise there must be threads like this all the time, i'm sure it gets tedious for everyone.
Im bisexual, Im chubby and Im attracted to other chubby people. Im in the closet about being an FA. Ive known I was this way more or less my entire life. Im 21 now. I have serious psychological issues with my weight as well as with my sexual preferences. I cant accept myself the way I am. Id accept anyone else for who they are, no matter what, but as is normal for me, the only vicious judgements I make are levelled at myself.
Ive been going through the worst depression of my life recently because one of my best friends found out about what I like and tried to drop it conversation a few times. It was then that I realized id been keeping this a secret so long that when it came to it, I was actually incapable of talking about it. Instead of admitting it and discussing it, I just mumbled vague non-committal responses and prayed for the floor to open and devour me. I want to escape this so badly. Everything else in my life is perfect more or less, most people would probably think im a very strong, stable, cool-headed person because thats how I present myself, but the foundations of that personality are weak and theyre rotting away.
Has anyone else ever felt suicidal purely out of shame? Perhaps you understand where im coming from when I say its not like being suicidal out of depression; its an utterly overwhelming, compelling urge not to exist any longer, to kill yourself more or less instantly. Its like an instinct, resisting it feels entirely wrong. A few weeks ago I had to lock myself in my room because I was afraid of any rash decisions I might have made if I left the house. The only thing that truly held me back was that my desire not to hurt or harm others is stronger than my will to die, and I couldnt put my family through having to deal with my departure. I feel a bit better now, though I still hate myself for what I am, and im living in a kind of silent limbo where I cant talk to anyone or escape or get any kind of release whatsoever, I dont want to live or die. Posting here was my best bet really, despite the fact I know people arent going to like me because Im presenting fat admiration and larger people in a very negative light. I dont hate fat people, but I hate myself for being fat. I dont hate FAs, in fact I love it when people find me attractive for my size, but I hate myself for being an FA, does anyone understand? If I could accept myself, I could talk about it. If I talked about it, It might help me accept myself.
This is me now at 21. I cant even begin to imagine where ill be when im 31. Perhaps the desire to die will have overwhelmed the love I have for my family, perhaps itll consume my entire world. I dont know for sure, but im very afraid. I'm also afraid that even if I manage to come out about this to everyone and everyone is really nice to me about it, it's not going to fix the judgements I make about myself.
Ive tried not to speak out of hurt here, ive tried to just explain things, but I guess theres no real way to say any of this without sounding whiny and melodramatic.
Can anyone share their experiences of coming out, or make any kind of comment or suggestion that might help me? I really dont know what else to do or who to ask. Also, appologies, I realise there must be threads like this all the time, i'm sure it gets tedious for everyone.
