This is my first post here. Dimensions was actually the first site of its kind that I browsed way back in 2000 when I first discovered I had this preference. I loved the fact that there was community out there of men and women who embraced size acceptance. It actually helped me come to grips with my preference after being told specifically by one woman, "You must be gay if you don't want this." So anyway, I've clearly been lurking for a really long time, and it's a shame that this has to be my first post, but I am looking for some advice from those who have a preference for curvier women because I think it is seriously damaging my marriage.
I've known my wife for 14 years, we've been married for five of those years. When I first met her, I thought she was perfect. Smart, career-oriented, funny with an incredible body. It was basically exactly what I wanted in a woman. When we first met, she was about 145 and 5'4, but her weight fluctuated throughout our time together. In university, she decided to diet and lost about 15 lbs. Initially, I supported her in this, but I didn't like the result in the end. She ended up gaining the weight back (although it wasn't something I pushed), but her weight has been a running theme in our relationship. I used to hate when she went to the gym (until I started going myself and learned how hard it is to lose weight), and while I didn't tell her this, my passive aggressive attitude likely told her what I thought. Putting that bit of asshole behaviour aside, this running theme of her weight came up on several occasions. When clothes didn't fit or when she was feeling unattractive, I always told her that she was beautiful. I hoped that she would accept, that she would eventually see in herself what I had seen all along, and there were times when I got through. But she always had issues with her body. This is a girl whose grandmother told her that her thighs were fat at 5 years old. But still i tried to make her feel comfortable in her body with varying degrees of success. I should note that she never hated her body, but there were always things that she wanted to change (like pretty much every person on the planet). She also wasn't trying to diet all the time and lose the weight. She was just someone who wasn't entirely happy with their body.
With kids, she gained some weight (up to 160 when we were married) and then back to her regular weight. However, a year after our second child was born, my wife lost about thirty five pounds (she is now about 110-115). It wasn't through anything she was actively trying to do (wasn't going to gym excessively or really dieting). It had everything to do with a food intolerance test and some wacky post-pregnancy hormones. The weight tumbled off of her and with that her curves too. After this happened, we went through a very, very difficult patch, going to counselling both couples and private. My therapist told me that if I just told my wife that I loved her, that she was beautiful, and that I showed her that then things would work out. He gave the example of a man whose wife had gained a significant amount of weight. Eventually, the wife started being active again with the support of her husband and everything turned out fine. Those of us with this preference know that most women, however, don't want to gain weight. I have never known a woman who wanted to gain weight beyond these forums basically. Is my wife happy with her body? No, of course not. Like when she was 145, she still doesn't like aspects of her body. In fact, she is judged now for being so small, with the clerk who hemmed her pants asking, "Do you even eat?" Her co-workers are surprised she eats fast food, likely think she is bulimic. I touched her hip the other day, and she said it felt gross. My therapist told me that basically I had to 'grieve' my wife's old body, and that once I did and came to acceptance that things would be OK.
I honestly feel like I am still grieving her body a year later. I've done my best to accept it, to show interest in her (even though I can't hide the fact that I am just not nearly as attracted to her as I used to be). I miss her curves, and the excitement that they would elicit when I would massage her legs or just touch her body. I find myself having to avoid areas on her body like angular hips and collar bones and the fact that she barely has a chest. I don't look at her the same way, and I am not a person who can hide these things. She knows that I used to love touching her body all over, and I just can't any longer. I honestly hate this preference because I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get over how she used to look (can't look at pictures of her from before the loss) and how her body felt. It is why I stopped coming to Curvage or Dimensions or looking at any curvy women on the net. I've stopped reading weight gain stories. I hadn't been on the site for anything except research for my problem for over a year now.
I feel like a shallow asshole who is basically putting far too much emphasis on looks, and it has seriously impacted our relationship. My wife doesn't understand why I put so much emphasis on how she looks, why I care. So I'm asking, does it get any easier? Is this something that I will come to accept for someone that I love? Can I reprogram myself after nearly twenty years of looking and being attracted to larger women? Can you suggest any ways that I can deal with this? She is not going to gain weight on purpose, but she does feel guilty for losing the weight, but she is also very resentful because she doesn't feel as wanted anymore. She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.
I think for me, I just need to keep at it. Move toward acceptance, remember who my wife is, remind myself that I love her and just accept her body as it is. I understand that it is her body, and that it is her choice. I shouldn't push her in a direction to suit my preference. At the same time, how do I do that and be sincere in my intimacy with her? Sorry for the length of this. I hope at least a few people read it and know where I am coming from. But really does it get any easier? Am I going to be able to look at her the same way I used to?
I've known my wife for 14 years, we've been married for five of those years. When I first met her, I thought she was perfect. Smart, career-oriented, funny with an incredible body. It was basically exactly what I wanted in a woman. When we first met, she was about 145 and 5'4, but her weight fluctuated throughout our time together. In university, she decided to diet and lost about 15 lbs. Initially, I supported her in this, but I didn't like the result in the end. She ended up gaining the weight back (although it wasn't something I pushed), but her weight has been a running theme in our relationship. I used to hate when she went to the gym (until I started going myself and learned how hard it is to lose weight), and while I didn't tell her this, my passive aggressive attitude likely told her what I thought. Putting that bit of asshole behaviour aside, this running theme of her weight came up on several occasions. When clothes didn't fit or when she was feeling unattractive, I always told her that she was beautiful. I hoped that she would accept, that she would eventually see in herself what I had seen all along, and there were times when I got through. But she always had issues with her body. This is a girl whose grandmother told her that her thighs were fat at 5 years old. But still i tried to make her feel comfortable in her body with varying degrees of success. I should note that she never hated her body, but there were always things that she wanted to change (like pretty much every person on the planet). She also wasn't trying to diet all the time and lose the weight. She was just someone who wasn't entirely happy with their body.
With kids, she gained some weight (up to 160 when we were married) and then back to her regular weight. However, a year after our second child was born, my wife lost about thirty five pounds (she is now about 110-115). It wasn't through anything she was actively trying to do (wasn't going to gym excessively or really dieting). It had everything to do with a food intolerance test and some wacky post-pregnancy hormones. The weight tumbled off of her and with that her curves too. After this happened, we went through a very, very difficult patch, going to counselling both couples and private. My therapist told me that if I just told my wife that I loved her, that she was beautiful, and that I showed her that then things would work out. He gave the example of a man whose wife had gained a significant amount of weight. Eventually, the wife started being active again with the support of her husband and everything turned out fine. Those of us with this preference know that most women, however, don't want to gain weight. I have never known a woman who wanted to gain weight beyond these forums basically. Is my wife happy with her body? No, of course not. Like when she was 145, she still doesn't like aspects of her body. In fact, she is judged now for being so small, with the clerk who hemmed her pants asking, "Do you even eat?" Her co-workers are surprised she eats fast food, likely think she is bulimic. I touched her hip the other day, and she said it felt gross. My therapist told me that basically I had to 'grieve' my wife's old body, and that once I did and came to acceptance that things would be OK.
I honestly feel like I am still grieving her body a year later. I've done my best to accept it, to show interest in her (even though I can't hide the fact that I am just not nearly as attracted to her as I used to be). I miss her curves, and the excitement that they would elicit when I would massage her legs or just touch her body. I find myself having to avoid areas on her body like angular hips and collar bones and the fact that she barely has a chest. I don't look at her the same way, and I am not a person who can hide these things. She knows that I used to love touching her body all over, and I just can't any longer. I honestly hate this preference because I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get over how she used to look (can't look at pictures of her from before the loss) and how her body felt. It is why I stopped coming to Curvage or Dimensions or looking at any curvy women on the net. I've stopped reading weight gain stories. I hadn't been on the site for anything except research for my problem for over a year now.
I feel like a shallow asshole who is basically putting far too much emphasis on looks, and it has seriously impacted our relationship. My wife doesn't understand why I put so much emphasis on how she looks, why I care. So I'm asking, does it get any easier? Is this something that I will come to accept for someone that I love? Can I reprogram myself after nearly twenty years of looking and being attracted to larger women? Can you suggest any ways that I can deal with this? She is not going to gain weight on purpose, but she does feel guilty for losing the weight, but she is also very resentful because she doesn't feel as wanted anymore. She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.
I think for me, I just need to keep at it. Move toward acceptance, remember who my wife is, remind myself that I love her and just accept her body as it is. I understand that it is her body, and that it is her choice. I shouldn't push her in a direction to suit my preference. At the same time, how do I do that and be sincere in my intimacy with her? Sorry for the length of this. I hope at least a few people read it and know where I am coming from. But really does it get any easier? Am I going to be able to look at her the same way I used to?
